Discussion Experiences opening about CTB to other people

[saii]

What is your experience with sharing your feelings to CTB to other people? People always say stuff like "I am here for you", but in my personal experience it couldn't be further from the truth, but maybe unlike me you have positive experiences opening up.

For me, I am in my late twenties but I started feeling it in my late teens when I began to experience chronic pain which resulted in me being secluded in one room for years.

I searched for what you are "supposed to" do on the internet which was to seek professional help, after opening up about it to my psychiatrist she told me that she couldn't help me and that I should seek help from a psychiatrist who specializes in suicides but that they have a long waiting/appointment time 1-2 years, to which I responded that I would most likely not be alive by that time, haven't seen her after but I did my first attempt shortly after.

I told my mother and she responded that I should do it because I am a burden to her (Being disabled and all). I told my friends, a good chunk of them cut contact with me because it made them uncomfortable. Those who remained tried to be supportive but our friendship turned toxic as I was out of it most of the time being on heavy painkillers and feeling almost manic, I eventually ended up alone wishing I never opened up to anyone.

 

[Kalista]

one basically told me to be grateful someone called the cops on me as it means 'they care.' that was one of the last few times i've spoken to that bitch who angrily said that to me.
the one who called the cops on me said she doesn't have the energy to deal with me. got deleted from her list and later lost contact fully
another said the same thing and also removed me
this was when i used a belt to constrict my neck. didn't do it right. struggled to talk for more than a month. voice was raspy and would stutter a lot.

one kept saying it's not worth it. 'don't do something permanent over something temporary.' that was the beginning of me hating that god damn phrase as it felt so wrong to hear in that moment. just didn't have to words to express it

one got her fucking best friend to basically tell me to fuck off over the phone and treated me like a criminal. she works as a dispatcher for a police station. there was a lot of misunderstanding that happened but she didn't care. she tried to listen to me but lost patience. broke that day. cried heavily. never been treated like that before
the one that told her best friend said to me that she's sorry, but that was it. a month or so later she text to see if i was still alive. i responded, then that was the last time i heard from her even when i tried to message months later

confided to one of my past roommates. only told her because it felt like i could trust her. don't remember if i said not to tell the others. she told the others. soon after they did a whole intervention right in the dining room. tried to give it a chance, but that was the start of an awkward and shit relationship with everyone in that house.
not long after, we all drank and hung out in the dining room. one tried to start a drinking game for us to play -- russian roulette. he bought a fucking nerf gun and explained the rules of having to shoot yourself in the head as he did a show and tell. after i told them i'm suicidal. never played the game.

one said she's not equipped to help me and that i should speak to a professional. while it can be understandable why people respond in this way, still feels so fucking insulting when they do. removed me from her list after

one was just stuck saying repeatedly 'i'm sorry. i hope you feel better (pat-emote).' this is someone i've explained most of what i've dealt with yet still says things i told her not to say to me backed with reasons. like talking to a fucking wall.

one said 'don't do it, it's not worth it.' never responded. too tired to explain anything at that point.

used to get a lot of 'i'm here to talk/listen if you ever need someone' and they're all the same. i no longer respond to these types of 'help.' their approach at times can be agressive in stopping you from killing yourself. after talking about everything, they either disappear afterwards or will linger for a few days or weeks, then disappear. only made me feel lonelier

i'd also get the same god damn questions from these people such as, 'do you have any hobbies?' -- 'what can you do to distract yourself right now?' -- 'can you go out for a walk while maybe listening to music?' -- 'let's play some games later/sometime,' then we never do
that's all it is, just doing a series of activities in order to cope until you want to kill yourself again because thoughts and feelings never left. just temporarily distracted by other things. oh, look -- even joy/happiness is temporary. who would have fucking thought
while the need to kill yourself stays permanently because you learned and now know too fucking much about the world and its people

there are many more. lost a lot of people by this whether they were close or new. in this world, talking about and expressing suicide is very punishing. you're ostracized. this is a social issue that will never change. so do what you have to.