Discussion Expectations in Relationships.

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think we can form strong relationships/friendships without having expectations of people? Surely, trust depends on having an expectation that a person will or won't behave in a particular way. But then, is it right to have expectations of people?

I remember having a conversation with a lady at work. At the time, and I can't even remember the details but, something must have happened to make me doubt my friendship with someone. I must have said that it was unwise to have relied on them and my colleague replied that we shouldn't rely/ have expectations on others and they shouldn't rely or have expectations on us in return. It seemed kind of cold at the time but I realised it was the only way not to get hurt or let down.

Maybe there are relationships where you can have expectations of one another. Marriage is pretty much an agreement that you're going to act in some ways and not others. Parents I feel should be expected to support their children- they brought them in to all this after all. Should children be expected to then support their parents? I guess the ideal is that they love them enough to want to but, should it be expected? I think some parents have children for this purpose almost. Like paying in insurance when they're young and helpless- hoping they will then return the favour when their parents become old and helpless.

I think in friendships, it's more based on hope. We hope that if we are kind, supportive and generous with people that we can expect to receive the same back.

What are your thoughts and experiences on this? Do you expect a lot of the people in your life? Have they lived up to that? Have they let you down? Have you ever thought your expectations of others or, those placed on you were unreasonable? Maybe the worst of it is when you feel expectations placed on you- which you fulfilled but, when it comes round to them helping you, they don't. Kind of lopsided relationships/friendships.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

If you expect your cat to mow your lawn, or for a rose bush to support the treehouse you've always wanted to build, you'll find yourself disappointed.

I am far from an authority when it comes to any kind of relationship except the one you have with yourself and my brain is unhealthy but I have a paranoia about people's intentions. I don't want people to lie or pretend just to get closer to me. I find that if you're getting to know someone and you tell them what your expectations are upfront, they can simply pretend to be all of those things until they get what they want.

There's this quote I came across once that stuck with me. It went something like, "Let people do what they want to do so you can see what they'd rather do."
Give people the freedom to be who they are without expectations and then decide if who they are as a person by default is who you want to be around. Then it's not quid pro quo that they're supportive to you because you were supportive first. They're supportive because that's just who they are. And if they're not, you already know so you won't get your feelings hurt by tying to build a treehouse on a rose.

When there are no expectations, you know that everything a person does is because they want to do it, not because they have to. And I don't know why but that has always been important to me.

 

[foreverfalling]

I think it's unavoidable to have expectations. All relationships are transactional, if there's nothing someone wants then why would there be a relationship in the first place? Even in the case of being in a relationship with someone doing what they want to do because they want to, that then becomes your expectation that they continue doing so, and there's nothing stopping the other person from changing.

Yes I've experienced giving myself and the friendship turning lopsided. At first I thought I was being a good friend and not putting high expectations on the other side, that good friend didn't need to keep track of favors. But I was getting less and less in return, and all of a sudden felt 'taken advantage' of. We always keep track, it's in our nature as humans. Why would we expend our resources for nothing in return?

 

[Pluto]

 

[alienfreak]

I do my best to keep my expectations low but somehow I still end up disappointed. I think it is unavoidable. In order to function, we need to try to make models in our minds of what other people will likely do. I think it could be argued that the main function of our intelligence is to predict the future with models like this, so we can make better actions that will increase our chances of survival. Models are always wrong and I suppose we shoudn't blame other people for being too complex for us to predict. I can't even predict myself, after all.

Should children be expected to then support their parents? I guess the ideal is that they love them enough to want to but, should it be expected? I think some parents have children for this purpose almost. Like paying in insurance when they're young and helpless- hoping they will then return the favour when their parents become old and helpless.

My mother was like this. She worried for me because i didnt have children to take care of me when im old. I have essentially abandoned her, though she still has my sibling. I felt it was wrong and upsetting that she had that expectation of me, like I was brought into the world for her selfish reasons.

There's this quote I came across once that stuck with me. It went something like, "Let people do what they want to do so you can see what they'd rather do."

When there are no expectations, you know that everything a person does is because they want to do it, not because they have to. And I don't know why but that has always been important to me.

This was helpful for me, thanks

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

All relationships are transactional, if there's nothing someone wants then why would there be a relationship in the first place?

This is something I've been thinking about and I can't say that I agree. I used to believe this myself so I understand the sentiment but I find that if you keep digging, there are distinctions that can be made.

A transaction is an exchange. It works when we want different things. I give you money, you give me bread etc. These relationships absolutely exist.

But there are also collaborative relationships. We exchange nothing, but together we are able to accomplish something that neither of us could on our own, or even simply wanting the same thing. You bring the console, I bring the tv, now we can play videogames together. I have a hard time classifying this as a transaction because by definition it isn't. Is that too pedantic?

In the latter half, I do agree. If two people for whatever reason are inspired by nothing in the other, they'd probably both spend their time better elsewhere.


As far as giving too much and feeling taken advantage of.
In my mind I always sort of see it as taking a walk with a friend. If we go walking together and I'm walking too fast and my friend is out of breath, I don't get mad and tell them to go faster than they're able. I also don't leave them behind. I adjust my own speed to accommodate them. If they want to stop and smell the roses we can do that. If I am giving to a friend and they are unwilling or unable to give back, I don't get mad. I just adjust my own speed when I walk with them. If I want to go faster, I'll go alone instead of asking them to join me, or with another friend that can keep up.

 

[Ashu]

This is something I've been thinking about and I can't say that I agree. I used to believe this myself so I understand the sentiment but I find that if you keep digging, there are distinctions that can be made.

A transaction is an exchange. It works when we want different things. I give you money, you give me bread etc. These relationships absolutely exist.

But there are also collaborative relationships. We exchange nothing, but together we are able to accomplish something that neither of us could on our own, or even simply wanting the same thing. You bring the console, I bring the tv, now we can play videogames together. I have a hard time classifying this as a transaction because by definition it isn't. Is that too pedantic?

I think so, yes.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

You bring the console, I bring the tv, now we can play videogames together.

I really like this

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'd expect someone I'm in a relationship with to like me, which is already too much to ask.