Exit Bag Failure

[NekoNomNom]

I tried. I really did. I was suprised that it took so much out of me to get to that point. Here I thought I was ready, but to be honest, I knew that there was a part of me that didn't want to go. Simply because I don't want to leave my son.

I had it set up for a few hours, but I couldn't bring myself to do it right away. When I finally did, I put the bag on top of my head. I turned the tank on. I've found out that helium is cold. I put the bag on and tightened the draw strings. It didn't take long, maybe 15 to 20 seconds. Apparantly I looked like I'd gone. I was out and unmoving. I felt like I was moving around a lot, though. I didn't feel comfortable. It was black, and my mind was blank, but I could still feel, as in emotionally. And in that moment, I guess my brain felt that this wasn't right. I was told that I shot up really fast and tore the bag off. Even though I couldn't see, I could feel the deftness of pulling the drawstrings loose and taking the bag off. It was swift and accurate. I didn't fumble. But I know I wasn't consciously doing it. SI is no joke.

I feel sorry. Sorry that I failed; but I'm also relieved that I did. I don't think that makes any sense. I felt sick all day yesterday, and just wanted to sleep, but couldn't. I eventually did when I went back home. It felt like a walk of shame as I made my way to my bedroom.

Thank you, everybody, for your support through this. I may be successful another day, but that remains to be seen for now.

 

[Meowkin]

I tried. I really did. I was suprised that it took so much out of me to get to that point. Here I thought I was ready, but to be honest, I knew that there was a part of me that didn't want to go. Simply because I don't want to leave my son.

I had it set up for a few hours, but I couldn't bring myself to do it right away. When I finally did, I put the bag on top of my head. I turned the tank on. I've found out that helium is cold. I put the bag on and tightened the draw strings. It didn't take long, maybe 15 to 20 seconds. Apparantly I looked like I'd gone. I was out and unmoving. I felt like I was moving around a lot, though. I didn't feel comfortable. It was black, and my mind was blank, but I could still feel, as in emotionally. And in that moment, I guess my brain felt that this wasn't right. I was told that I shot up really fast and tore the bag off. Even though I couldn't see, I could feel the deftness of pulling the drawstrings loose and taking the bag off. It was swift and accurate. I didn't fumble. But I know I wasn't consciously doing it. SI is no joke.

I feel sorry. Sorry that I failed; but I'm also relieved that I did. I don't think that makes any sense. I felt sick all day yesterday, and just wanted to sleep, but couldn't. I eventually did when I went back home. It felt like a walk of shame as I made my way to my bedroom.

Thank you, everybody, for your support through this. I may be successful another day, but that remains to be seen for now.

It sounds like you have a lot of strong and contradictory feelings after the attempt. I hope you get enough rest after this. You've been through a lot recently.

Please don't be too hard on yourself that the attempt didn't work. It just doesn't sometimes. Whatever happens after this, I wish you good luck.

 

[Giraffey]

I hate that there is so much stigma and shame attached to changing your mind at the very last second. There is this notion that if you commit to ending your life at that particular moment and then change your mind, then you've somehow failed, it's as if the whole life-endangering actions cease to be a legitimate path that we walked and turned away from and instead become an act of self-harm, an attention-seeking action for which we are undeserving of empathy and compassion.

Whatever it was deep down that caused you to pull yourself back from the brink NekoNomNom, it's important that you take the time to re-evaluate whether indeed this is the right thing to do - I think you've at least discovered that now is not the right time, one day it might be, but not right now.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything wiser or more insightful to say, I'm struggling myself today with conflicting thoughts between ending my pain and the wish not to abandon those precious few whom I dearly love, so much so that perhaps I would give my life for them - the sacrifice of non-suicide.

Either way, I hope that you can eventually re-frame this situation and see it not as a failure, but as an opportunity to think again whether this is the right path. That is exactly the conundrum I am facing right now and likewise, I am struggling not to feel ashamed - but we mustn't.

Keeping you in my thoughts today and sending big virtual stranger hugs

 

[Kumachan]

I hear you cant get pure helium nowadays - they mix it with oxygen to prevent CTB, i dont think youd be able to feel anything had you really passed out. There could be some oxygen seeping in somehow... Anyway maybe its a chance to reevaluate Neko chan?

 

[NekoNomNom]

I hear you cant get pure helium nowadays - they mix it with oxygen to prevent CTB, i dont think youd be able to feel anything had you really passed out. There could be some oxygen seeping in somehow... Anyway maybe its a chance to reevaluate Neko chan?

For $200 and what was advertised as 99% helium on a gas depot website, it had better be pure helium. No, I didn't physically feel anything. What I felt was pure emotion.

Thank you guys for your kind words. I'm going to go back to bed after I get off work. Or at least try to.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I set up an exit bag last year. It was just party helium. At the time I didn't see any issues with that, so thought it'd work. Anyway, when I went to put my head under the bad I got a distinct feeling of panic in the centre of my chest, so profound I abandoned the whole thing and threw the helium in the trash. Then I reevaluated things.

I wouldn't feel bad about it. If anything you get an opportunity to reframe things, and contemplate everything in a fresh perspective. Wishing all the best for you

 

[NekoNomNom]

I set up an exit bag last year. It was just party helium. At the time I didn't see any issues with that, so thought it'd work. Anyway, when I went to put my head under the bad I got a distinct feeling of panic in the centre of my chest, so profound I abandoned the whole thing and threw the helium in the trash. Then I reevaluated things.

I wouldn't feel bad about it. If anything you get an opportunity to reframe things, and contemplate everything in a fresh perspective. Wishing all the best for you

Thank you. I also bought a party tank initially. Realized that it wasn't pure, so then I began the hunt for a pure tank.

I wouldn't say that I felt panic; I just didn't feel...right. I don't know how else to describe it. It was as if my body was its own entity separate from me. I was 100% unconscious, yet at the last second, my body still reacted to what was going on.

 

[SpottedPanda]

Thank you. I also bought a party tank initially. Realized that it wasn't pure, so then I began the hunt for a pure tank.

I wouldn't say that I felt panic; I just didn't feel...right. I don't know how else to describe it. It was as if my body was its own entity separate from me. I was 100% unconscious, yet at the last second, my body still reacted to what was going on.

Our survival instinct is a curious thing

 

[Giraffey]

Thank you. I also bought a party tank initially. Realized that it wasn't pure, so then I began the hunt for a pure tank.

I wouldn't say that I felt panic; I just didn't feel...right. I don't know how else to describe it. It was as if my body was its own entity separate from me. I was 100% unconscious, yet at the last second, my body still reacted to what was going on.

Your experience sounds very similar to those commonly reported by anesthetised patients who experience Near-Death Experiences, a kind of altered state of consciousness. People who report near-death experiences from hypoxia (usually due to cardiac arrest) generally report having spiritual and emotional experiences, the research into all of that is fascinating but pretty dense (at least for me, and I'm studying it at the moment).

Should I go ahead and end my life with the exit bag method, my intention is to take a fairly fast-acting anxiolytic first to help suppress the survival instinct (a Lorazepam perhaps). The fact that I lose my instinctive ability to back out at the very last second with that approach is another reason why I'm agonising so much over the final decision, I want to be absolutely sure. After all, I have to not live with the decision for the rest of my life.

 

[Broken Chimera]

It just wasn't your time. You'll get another chance if you get to that point again. Until then be kind to yourself.

 

[Living sucks]

You speak as though you had a witness observing you .. was someone with you?

 

[NekoNomNom]

You speak as though you had a witness observing you .. was someone with you?

There was.

 

[Living sucks]

There was.

I have a question regarding that. If you had a partner with you that was going to live, and the hotel found you the next day, wouldn't the hotel acknowledge that you were with somebody to authorities? And they would check the hotel videos and then the person that was with you becomes possibly a murder suspect? Or accomplice?

 

[Darksektori]

I tried. I really did. I was suprised that it took so much out of me to get to that point. Here I thought I was ready, but to be honest, I knew that there was a part of me that didn't want to go. Simply because I don't want to leave my son.

I had it set up for a few hours, but I couldn't bring myself to do it right away. When I finally did, I put the bag on top of my head. I turned the tank on. I've found out that helium is cold. I put the bag on and tightened the draw strings. It didn't take long, maybe 15 to 20 seconds. Apparantly I looked like I'd gone. I was out and unmoving. I felt like I was moving around a lot, though. I didn't feel comfortable. It was black, and my mind was blank, but I could still feel, as in emotionally. And in that moment, I guess my brain felt that this wasn't right. I was told that I shot up really fast and tore the bag off. Even though I couldn't see, I could feel the deftness of pulling the drawstrings loose and taking the bag off. It was swift and accurate. I didn't fumble. But I know I wasn't consciously doing it. SI is no joke.

I feel sorry. Sorry that I failed; but I'm also relieved that I did. I don't think that makes any sense. I felt sick all day yesterday, and just wanted to sleep, but couldn't. I eventually did when I went back home. It felt like a walk of shame as I made my way to my bedroom.

Thank you, everybody, for your support through this. I may be successful another day, but that remains to be seen for now.

It seems like you may not be ready or there's still a part of you that wants to live, which is entirely your decision, it's up to you ultimately, but you need to place yourself in the correct mindset or else you run the risk of your CTB failing, being interrupted or someone finding out your CTB plan altogether. Or even worse having to experience a CTB with excessive pain and suffering which is a risk if you screw up or hesitate. Whatever you do make sure you it correctly that's all I'm saying.
Just because someone's life sucks doesn't mean his final journey to eternal peace has to.

 

[Walilamdzi]

There was someone with you?

 

[Living sucks]

Азот

You really should put that in a spoiler with a trigger warning for people who do not want to see gore.

 

[TastySorrow]

I feel very happy for you and your son since it seems like you really don't want to leave him alone.

This is absolutely soul crushing for me since I thought I was so lucky to have one of the admittedly "most reliable" methods at disposal since I work with inert gases. SI is a bitch.