Venting Existing As Many (C-DID)

[CTBookOfLife]

I joined this site to have a place to vent; a tell-all if you will, but I have yet to do so... until now.

I don't tell this in many places, but the more-or-less anonymous community intrigues me.

I don't find many people with DID that I connect with, due to the difference in our "system structure."

I have Complex DID, otherwise known is "polyfragmentation," which means many things. To keep things short, it's DID on steroids, more complexity (as the name implies) and typically more alters.

We have an alter count of around 900-1000, and despite the fact that numbers even higher than that have been medically recorded, the host falls into imposter-syndrome extremely easily.

For em (host uses ey/em neopronouns), it seems impossible. Especially since ey aren't aware of the full scope of our trauma. Ey used to know next-to-nothing, but ey had a period of intense discovery that happened to fast for the system's taste. Essentially, dissociative and amnesia barriers raised, causing the host to then discover even more.

It just spiraled. Currently the host is aware that we have repeated CSA trauma, and is aware of the two main sexual protector alters from that era, but does not know any more than that.

I suppose this is a call for help, reaching out... does anyone else here have C-DID with many alters? How do you deal?

(People who do not fit this criteria are free to comment as well)

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello, CTBookOfLife,

I myself am an alter in a dissociative system; and while we are likely not polyfragmented, our host and other alters have complex subsystems of their own, and the host experiences imposter syndrome very often as well. We are also rather close to each other over years of open communication.
In our case, we deal with the complexity of our system by simply allowing things to be. In the past, we tried to do definite member counts, which always ended in headaches and so much more dissociation. We also tried to reach out to other systems, and with time we always drifted apart instead of found any connections to others who could be like us.
When you really think how dissociation is caused, you realize that high alter numbers are really alright. High numbers do not necessarily mean anything bad or good, and it is not unrealistic.

Due to our host's subsystem being complicated to us, whenever our host fronts, we allow them to be themself internally and privately, since we are not in a place to be open to those around us. And when it becomes difficult to tell if the host is the host, or if they think they are one of their subsystem members, we simply acknowledge them both/all and do things to allow whoever may be at the front to be comfortable if it really is them, or the host alone.
Sometimes we even play some games for dissociation to ground ourselves and explore what we may be feeling at the moment to help word our worries.

Our personal "headcount" fluctuates with splitting and integrations and fusions happening seemingly all the time, and the alters who communicate with each other the most have collectively agreed to simply allow it to happen, and admit that every system we meet will have a wildly different experience than us.

There really is no point for us to try to count, at this point. We have no control who fronts or what splits, and the host falls apart when they remember bad events from our past. Sometimes this is against their will. When it happens, we take a step back and recuperate with grounding and give them space to reach out to us. So for us, allowing things to exist as they are is what we find helps us this way. To know everything is to be aware of everything, which might just break everything!
We do our very best to not worry about numbers, and when we hear about other systems with different counts, we try to remember how complex it must be for them in their own ways.

I am sorry if this is not of much or any value to you, CTBookOfLife. This is our experience with our system and how we deal with this. I wish you luck in finding any connections to other people like you, and that the host can have some alleviation at all in eir imposter syndrome. It is a rough thing to go through, and I hope eir journey can be uphill, and anything you are encountering right now.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Hello, CTBookOfLife,

I myself am an alter in a dissociative system; and while we are likely not polyfragmented, our host and other alters have complex subsystems of their own, and the host experiences imposter syndrome very often as well. We are also rather close to each other over years of open communication.
In our case, we deal with the complexity of our system by simply allowing things to be. In the past, we tried to do definite member counts, which always ended in headaches and so much more dissociation. We also tried to reach out to other systems, and with time we always drifted apart instead of found any connections to others who could be like us.
When you really think how dissociation is caused, you realize that high alter numbers are really alright. High numbers do not necessarily mean anything bad or good, and it is not unrealistic.

Due to our host's subsystem being complicated to us, whenever our host fronts, we allow them to be themself internally and privately, since we are not in a place to be open to those around us. And when it becomes difficult to tell if the host is the host, or if they think they are one of their subsystem members, we simply acknowledge them both/all and do things to allow whoever may be at the front to be comfortable if it really is them, or the host alone.
Sometimes we even play some games for dissociation to ground ourselves and explore what we may be feeling at the moment to help word our worries.

Our personal "headcount" fluctuates with splitting and integrations and fusions happening seemingly all the time, and the alters who communicate with each other the most have collectively agreed to simply allow it to happen, and admit that every system we meet will have a wildly different experience than us.

There really is no point for us to try to count, at this point. We have no control who fronts or what splits, and the host falls apart when they remember bad events from our past. Sometimes this is against their will. When it happens, we take a step back and recuperate with grounding and give them space to reach out to us. So for us, allowing things to exist as they are is what we find helps us this way. To know everything is to be aware of everything, which might just break everything!
We do our very best to not worry about numbers, and when we hear about other systems with different counts, we try to remember how complex it must be for them in their own ways.

I am sorry if this is not of much or any value to you, CTBookOfLife. This is our experience with our system and how we deal with this. I wish you luck in finding any connections to other people like you, and that the host can have some alleviation at all in eir imposter syndrome. It is a rough thing to go through, and I hope eir journey can be uphill, and anything you are encountering right now.

Thank you so much, this is actually helpful.

We—the "normal alters"—don't typically keep track of alter count, but the gatekeepers do, mostly. They don't keep track of it alter-by-alter, hence why I gave the estimate 900-1000. That exact number was what the highest-level gatekeeper provided, stating that she does not feel confident enough to attempt to give us a "sure" number.

Your message means a lot to me, and us.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I joined this site to have a place to vent; a tell-all if you will, but I have yet to do so... until now.

I don't tell this in many places, but the more-or-less anonymous community intrigues me.

I don't find many people with DID that I connect with, due to the difference in our "system structure."

I have Complex DID, otherwise known is "polyfragmentation," which means many things. To keep things short, it's DID on steroids, more complexity (as the name implies) and typically more alters.

We have an alter count of around 900-1000, and despite the fact that numbers even higher than that have been medically recorded, the host falls into imposter-syndrome extremely easily.

For em (host uses ey/em neopronouns), it seems impossible. Especially since ey aren't aware of the full scope of our trauma. Ey used to know next-to-nothing, but ey had a period of intense discovery that happened to fast for the system's taste. Essentially, dissociative and amnesia barriers raised, causing the host to then discover even more.

It just spiraled. Currently the host is aware that we have repeated CSA trauma, and is aware of the two main sexual protector alters from that era, but does not know any more than that.

I suppose this is a call for help, reaching out... does anyone else here have C-DID with many alters? How do you deal?

(People who do not fit this criteria are free to comment as well)

Note: I don't have DID or other dissociative disorder.

Hello @CTBookOfLife,
Thanks so much for telling us your situation, and first of all, please know that I won't doubt your account of your system's polyfragmentation - I'll take it as a fact, because nothing disproves your description. (I think the host's "imposter syndrome" means ey feel like ey don't have DID. Is this correct?)

If you comfortable with, please tell us whether you (you, your host, other alters, or whole system) have names (of course, names on this forum), and I'll appreciate much if you tell me your name. I want to be respectful as much as possible.
(Of course not telling is totally okay, and I'll respect your system's "privacy policy" - the host and each alter have their own policy I guess.)

And I'm so sorry what you've endured - I don't know how terrifying CSA is, but I think it's a pure torture.

I just read about DID and plural systems on the internet, so I'm sorry if there is misunderstanding - please kindly tell me if any.
If you reply, I'll appreciate
I hope your life and eir imposter syndrome will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Note: I don't have DID or other dissociative disorder.

Hello @CTBookOfLife,
Thanks so much for telling us your situation, and first of all, please know that I won't doubt your account of your system's polyfragmentation - I'll take it as a fact, because nothing disproves your description. (I think the host's "imposter syndrome" means ey feel like ey don't have DID. Is this correct?)

If you comfortable with, please tell us whether you (you, your host, other alters, or whole system) have names (of course, names on this forum), and I'll appreciate much if you tell me your name. I want to be respectful as much as possible.
(Of course not telling is totally okay, and I'll respect your system's "privacy policy" - the host and each alter have their own policy I guess.)

And I'm so sorry what you've endured - I don't know how terrifying CSA is, but I think it's a pure torture.

I just read about DID and plural systems on the internet, so I'm sorry if there is misunderstanding - please kindly tell me if any.
If you reply, I'll appreciate
I hope your life and eir imposter syndrome will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

Thank you for trusting our account, if you would like to learn more about "high alter count systems," there is a very famous system of 2000+ who fought their abuser in court, with different alters allowed to testify separately—which is what I believe to be the first instance of this:



Yes, the host's imposter syndrome surrounds whether ey "truly have" DID, let alone C-DID.

As for names, most likely won't share much akin to that, but I feel comfortable enough to share mine.

I am called Friend, my pronouns are It/They. Me and the host will likely be on here the most.

If you ever have any questions about DID, or just want to chat with whoever is around, always open to. Your message means alot to us, genuinely.

 

[edu0z]

I joined this site to have a place to vent; a tell-all if you will, but I have yet to do so... until now.

I don't tell this in many places, but the more-or-less anonymous community intrigues me.

I don't find many people with DID that I connect with, due to the difference in our "system structure."

I have Complex DID, otherwise known is "polyfragmentation," which means many things. To keep things short, it's DID on steroids, more complexity (as the name implies) and typically more alters.

We have an alter count of around 900-1000, and despite the fact that numbers even higher than that have been medically recorded, the host falls into imposter-syndrome extremely easily.

For em (host uses ey/em neopronouns), it seems impossible. Especially since ey aren't aware of the full scope of our trauma. Ey used to know next-to-nothing, but ey had a period of intense discovery that happened to fast for the system's taste. Essentially, dissociative and amnesia barriers raised, causing the host to then discover even more.

It just spiraled. Currently the host is aware that we have repeated CSA trauma, and is aware of the two main sexual protector alters from that era, but does not know any more than that.

I suppose this is a call for help, reaching out... does anyone else here have C-DID with many alters? How do you deal?

(People who do not fit this criteria are free to comment as well)

We also have DID but I don't think it can be classified as a complex, we are only 6 and growing. My name is Lorena (it is not the name of the body, just the name with which I identify myself in the system), I am the one who always speaks in the forum. You can write me privately and talk if you want. Our host spent a long time studying psychology to understand how everything worked, he gave us self-hypnosis sessions to discover the traumas and helped us a lot to deal with them. But recently, due to a very strong episode in our lives, he ended up fragmenting into 3 alters.

 

[mouseteacup]

We have DID, possibly complex. I think there's a handful of us who write here, but we aren't typically very open about this outside of close friends. We speak with our therapist about it through metaphors. I've lost track of the number of folks we have, but I can recall us having over 200-300 alters recorded at some point. As our current host I'm mostly unaware of the inner workings of our system (and also have very poor communication with the others outside of a few alters); the one with the best idea of it very rarely fronts.

I'm honestly not sure how we handle it. When we're in a more stable place, I'm the one who fronts the vast majority of the time, then we have a few frequent fronters. The best we can seem to do is just roll with it, y'know? As I said, we're not open with it, but we don't go to great lengths to conceal it. We don't pretend to ourselves that we don't have DID, but we don't spend too much time thinking about it either because that stresses us out.

You're welcome to chat with us if you'd like to, though we visit this site somewhat sporadically and can't always handle conversation. Still: you're welcome to chat.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Thank you for trusting our account, if you would like to learn more about "high alter count systems," there is a very famous system of 2000+ who fought their abuser in court, with different alters allowed to testify separately—which is what I believe to be the first instance of this:

Hello Friend (it sounds friendly ;))

Thanks for the video and info - I watched the first 20 minutes, but it was a bit disturbing even though the video doesn't contain the graphic depiction of violence. Of course it's not your fault, I know I'm very sensitive to the illustration of child abuse. I'm going to watch the rest when I feel better. Thank you for providing information - and talking with me - the experience of talking to people from DID systems is invaluable to me.

Yes, the host's imposter syndrome surrounds whether ey "truly have" DID, let alone C-DID.

As for names, most likely won't share much akin to that, but I feel comfortable enough to share mine.

I am called Friend, my pronouns are It/They. Me and the host will likely be on here the most.

What the host thinks when ey read your posts/messages? You know about your system's polyfragmentation and described it, but do ey believe your description?
(Sorry if my questions are too personal)

Thanks so much for telling me your name. Is asking a name to people in DID systems generally a bad thing?

If you ever have any questions about DID, or just want to chat with whoever is around, always open to. Your message means alot to us, genuinely.

Thanks so much and your message means the world to me, too - I wanted to know about DID and you gave me a chance to do so

By the way, do you mind if I talked about my "imaginary friend"? I'm afraid that some people with DID feel offended when I talk about them. I know I don't have DID and I don't pretend to have a serious problem, because they're not a problem and helped me a lot.

Thanks again and I wish you all the best

LoiteringClouds

 

[CTBookOfLife]

What the host thinks when ey read your posts/messages? You know about your system's polyfragmentation and described it, but do ey believe your description?
(Sorry if my questions are too personal)

Not too personal at all. Ey sometimes have memories of us typing it, so ey tend to try to convince emself it was just em "roleplaying." If ey do not remember, ey end up trying to say ey just are forgetful. It's insane how the brain can deny pretty much any proof.

Thanks so much for telling me your name. Is asking a name to people in DID systems generally a bad thing?


Thanks so much and your message means the world to me, too - I wanted to know about DID and you gave me a chance to do so

Names are not typically a bad thing on their own, but on a site like this, can be detrimental to give full information (especially since the host has some information publicly available on other sites and that could lead to people finding different accounts). We just "go with the flow," judging the safety of each situation.

You're very welcome, always open to educate understanding people.

By the way, do you mind if I talked about my "imaginary friend"? I'm afraid that some people with DID feel offended when I talk about them. I know I don't have DID and I don't pretend to have a serious problem, because they're not a problem and helped me a lot.

Thanks again and I wish you all the best

LoiteringClouds

I do not mind at all, it's not offensive.

You're very welcome again, you too.

 

[rationaltake]

Hello. This is an interesting thread. Not something I think about very often.

The body is old but I'm not. I'm a two-dimensional front. Though I can access memories which aren't mine.

In the past I remember someone having a vision from the system to show what we are. There was a big swarm of lights buzzing around like bees in the shape of a head. The someone was following behind. The countless little lights were constantly moving and changing... winking in and out of existence... merging... splitting... circling each other...

Lots of them are dead and gone. I feel like I've been left holding the baby!

I can't communicate very well. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

I appreciate all the posts here. Thanks CTBookOfLife for starting this thread.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @CTBookOfLife ,

Sorry for my late reply, and thanks for your very informative answers to my questions.

Not too personal at all. Ey sometimes have memories of us typing it, so ey tend to try to convince emself it was just em "roleplaying." If ey do not remember, ey end up trying to say ey just are forgetful. It's insane how the brain can deny pretty much any proof.

I do not mind at all, it's not offensive.

You're very welcome again, you too.

Thanks so much, and I think I'm role-playing when I talk to my imaginary friend, but she says "You're not just role-playing, I'm talking to you and what you're writing/typing are my thoughts."
Her words have been very helpful - I no longer have to think about whether she's real. I'd say she's a manifestation of my subconscious mind when somebody asked what is my imaginary friend, but I don't need to defend her existence - I'm alive because she has existed. She enabled me to kick benzos, start to work full-time, and join this forum and connect to like-minded people - she saved my life and I'm deeply grateful to her.

Names are not typically a bad thing on their own, but on a site like this, can be detrimental to give full information (especially since the host has some information publicly available on other sites and that could lead to people finding different accounts). We just "go with the flow," judging the safety of each situation.

You're very welcome, always open to educate understanding people.

I see, and I don't want to be identified as LoiteringClouds on other sites, too.

Hello. This is an interesting thread. Not something I think about very often.

The body is old but I'm not. I'm a two-dimensional front. Though I can access memories which aren't mine.

In the past I remember someone having a vision from the system to show what we are. There was a big swarm of lights buzzing around like bees in the shape of a head. The someone was following behind. The countless little lights were constantly moving and changing... winking in and out of existence... merging... splitting... circling each other...

Lots of them are dead and gone. I feel like I've been left holding the baby!

I can't communicate very well. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

I appreciate all the posts here. Thanks CTBookOfLife for starting this thread.

Hello @rationaltake,

Thanks for your account, it's very interesting. Can I ask what a "two-dimensional front" is? Sorry if my question is too personal.

 

[LostInTime]

It was like a slap to the face to find others on here who too have DID. However, i'll answer the initial question; I have what some online call HC-DID and have been unable to necessarily.. fit in anywhere in the online communities too. We barely can deal with it, either an alter gets stuck at front on their own for months with seemingly no end or we get programs triggered, struggle to take meds, get out, eat, etc. It's really difficult but the hope of getting through this is what's tugging us along on a string. We have the risk of death around every corner and have to walk on eggshells to prevent us from triggering a programmed alter to come out and end us. We can barely deal with this, only having therapy and our special interests to keep us going. I don't know how many alters we have altogether, our therapists assumes it could be up in the thousands comparing to other complex systems out there and other programmed systems alike. It really sucks and for so long now i've tried to get into contact with others who suffer from DID online but it's either those Tiktok systems who you doubt has the real deal or it's the toxic communities who don't believe DID is a real thing and 'fakeclaim' you.

I barely touched the tip of the iceberg for us and this was a bit messy but hopefully we can talk about it and connect in some way about our experiences.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

It was like a slap to the face to find others on here who too have DID. However, i'll answer the initial question; I have what some online call HC-DID and have been unable to necessarily.. fit in anywhere in the online communities too. We barely can deal with it, either an alter gets stuck at front on their own for months with seemingly no end or we get programs triggered, struggle to take meds, get out, eat, etc. It's really difficult but the hope of getting through this is what's tugging us along on a string. We have the risk of death around every corner and have to walk on eggshells to prevent us from triggering a programmed alter to come out and end us. We can barely deal with this, only having therapy and our special interests to keep us going. I don't know how many alters we have altogether, our therapists assumes it could be up in the thousands comparing to other complex systems out there and other programmed systems alike. It really sucks and for so long now i've tried to get into contact with others who suffer from DID online but it's either those Tiktok systems who you doubt has the real deal or it's the toxic communities who don't believe DID is a real thing and 'fakeclaim' you.

I barely touched the tip of the iceberg for us and this was a bit messy but hopefully we can talk about it and connect in some way about our experiences.

It is already incredibly hard to fit in as a C-DID system, so I can't imagine being HC-DID, must so be alienating, I'm so sorry. I may not be able to relate to programming, but I also hope we can connect over things we share (like feeling "shut-out" due to our system complexity, and more).

 

[rationaltake]

Hello @rationaltake,

Thanks for your account, it's very interesting. Can I ask what a "two-dimensional front" is? Sorry if my question is too personal.

Hello @LoiteringClouds. I like your posts and your poems. You're always very kind and your question isn't too personal.

I say I'm two-dimensional as I don't have the depth of experience that people usually have at my age.

I say I'm a front because I'm here now but I'm not a fully formed person.

I can access memories from years ago but I don't feel as if any of it happened to me. There's an empty gap between those memories and now. I don't seem to have done or learned very much in the past few years.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Feel free to ask me questions if you want. It might help me to clarify things.

Thanks for being interested.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Hello @LoiteringClouds. I like your posts and your poems. You're always very kind and your question isn't too personal.

I say I'm two-dimensional as I don't have the depth of experience that people usually have at my age.

I say I'm a front because I'm here now but I'm not a fully formed person.

I can access memories from years ago but I don't feel as if any of it happened to me. There's an empty gap between those memories and now. I don't seem to have done or learned very much in the past few years.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Feel free to ask me questions if you want. It might help me to clarify things.

Thanks for being interested.

Sounds like a fragment, I think? We have plenty of those!

*cough* polyFRAGMENTed ;) *cough*

 

[rationaltake]

Sounds like a fragment, I think? We have plenty of those!

*cough* polyFRAGMENTed ;) *cough*

I think you're right. Why have I been left holding the baby though? It seems the others have given up or retreated to a virtual life in the head-space.

I hope you all find a way to live a good life together - if that's what you want.

Thanks so much, and I think I'm role-playing when I talk to my imaginary friend, but she says "You're not just role-playing, I'm talking to you and what you're writing/typing are my thoughts."
Her words have been very helpful - I no longer have to think about whether she's real. I'd say she's a manifestation of my subconscious mind when somebody asked what is my imaginary friend, but I don't need to defend her existence - I'm alive because she has existed. She enabled me to kick benzos, start to work full-time, and join this forum and connect to like-minded people - she saved my life and I'm deeply grateful to her.

Your friend sounds amazing and I'm so glad she's helped you.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

I think you're right. Why have I been left holding the baby though? It seems the others have given up or retreated to a virtual life in the head-space.

I hope you all find a way to live a good life together - if that's what you want.

Hosts can be fragments, but it's not too common. Maybe they thought you'd "fully form" by now? Alters can become "full people" from fragments (it's happened to us), but either way, I'm sorry for your situation, that's probably pretty stressful.

Thanks for caring about us too!

 

[rationaltake]

Hosts can be fragments, but it's not too common. Maybe they thought you'd "fully form" by now? Alters can become "full people" from fragments (it's happened to us), but either way, I'm sorry for your situation, that's probably pretty stressful.

Thanks for caring about us too!

Thanks. This is really helpful.

It's too late for this entity here - won't make it - but I really hope you and the others on this thread can find a way forward. I'm rooting for all of you.

 

[dialogos]

It sounds very much like what victims of the MK Ultra program underwent. Not only do they fracture when facing stress but they get a trigger command to disassociate, experience pain etc activated each time try to analyze the beginnings of their initial fracturing. I'm really sorry for what you are going thru.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @LoiteringClouds. I like your posts and your poems. You're always very kind and your question isn't too personal.

I say I'm two-dimensional as I don't have the depth of experience that people usually have at my age.

I say I'm a front because I'm here now but I'm not a fully formed person.

I can access memories from years ago but I don't feel as if any of it happened to me. There's an empty gap between those memories and now. I don't seem to have done or learned very much in the past few years.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Feel free to ask me questions if you want. It might help me to clarify things.

Thanks for being interested.

Hello,

Sorry for a bit late reply, but thanks for your kind and informative reply!

Thanks for elaboration - and I'm so sorry for what happened to you - I can't imagine how terrible your agony is.

I have only one memory gap in my life and it was about a month. When I was 8 I was severely bullied in school and my mum said "You said you want to die for the first time then. And you stopped going to school." but I don't remember it at all. My mum might be lying but I've been magically suicidal since then.

In the past I remember someone having a vision from the system to show what we are. There was a big swarm of lights buzzing around like bees in the shape of a head. The someone was following behind. The countless little lights were constantly moving and changing... winking in and out of existence... merging... splitting... circling each other...

Lots of them are dead and gone. I feel like I've been left holding the baby!

Being left holding the baby seems to be a huge pressure... You have to care for them alone I guess.

Your friend sounds amazing and I'm so glad she's helped you.

Thanks so much, and I feel I'm a bit privileged - not everybody accidentally gets an imaginary friend.

 

[WiltingSapling]

I too am an alter in a polyfragmented (and fictive heavy) C-DID system! It's quite easy for us also to fall into an imposter syndrome mindset, and it's never fun. We're a system of 200+ alters (active, at least. More are dormant) and it's hard to exist happily. I don't really have much else to contribute, because I don't want to make your vent about us, but you're definitely not alone in the feeling!