Venting Existence

[BecomingTired]

I don't understand why I exist. I wasn't supposed to be born, even the doctors reinforced that I was most likely a stillborn that could potentially also permanently cause multiple medical complications and i just ended up a burden on a household already breaking apart; I remember every time I was beaten to the point it would be too obvious to any outsiders, my mother would reinforce the fact that my birth was a "miracle" and I should be grateful to her as well as God. But I don't think I ever experienced a proper happy period in my life outside the first few days of me moving out; I never really expressed this to anyone but I would feel a genuine desire to kill my mother and step-father when I was a kid whenever she preached this despite my mental state hitting rock bottom, it was to the point I would constantly envisioned multiple scenarios of me killing them both then killing myself whenever I saw any potential weapons laying around.

My whole life is full of medical, situational and mental problems outside of my control and I've been just utterly hopeless to any of it; the only drive I had was that my life would somehow change once I leave the council housing that my family barely hang onto after years but it just made me despair even more, nothing changed. It is only continually getting worse, yet my lack of willpower won't even let me die on my own terms.

I can never understand why people can feel as though the act of being live alone is enough for someone to be grateful even in the worst of circumstances; neither of them never once blamed their god for causing their homelessness, anger, pain, medical conditions or any kind of situation in their lives even when it was only getting worse and for the life of me I just don't get it. How can I love a supreme entity who only ever made me experience pain and constant growing suffering, if this entity even existed?

Why is life a blessing when clearly it only brought more anguish? I hate this sort of thinking so much; I genuinely see no meaning to life, nor can I see any potential way of "finding your own meaning"… Each and every forced "meaning" people uselessly make up ultimately means nothing, it's just puffing air in a suffocating void; none of it is eternal and much less guaranteed, it's all a useless struggle to try to reason coming to terms with an utterly pointless existence, built on societal conditioning and imagination. Human life regardless is a constant chain of struggle and suffering, especially if you start off far worse off than others; "creating" meaning, values or any arbitrary concept of self holds no purpose, it doesn't change circumstances nor does it truly add to your being, you can only despair realising how stupid it all is. Believing otherwise is just built on arrogance and ignorance, thinking it somehow builds self-worth and significance.
There is no true joy, at best a tiny uphill in an overall sharp fall of despair and loss of self.
Down to my core I really despise the fact that I have to be in this present moment due to a whim decided before I was even born, I been sobbing and breaking down throughout the entire day since my attempt yesterday; i am so tired of this feeling of suffocation it hurts so bad…

 

[BecomingTired]

I just don't see the point anymore, I feel I already went past a certain point in my mind, it just been blank since. The failed ctb really killed any last shred of respect I had for myself.