Story Exhausted and confused

[I’mDone]

I'm so certain that I'm unfixable, decided 100% that before the end of this year I'll ctb.

Then I get a text message asking me to try one more course of therapy. I'm so tired. Exhausted of delving deep into my suppressed memories, confronting the pain I had buried, then trying to neutralise it.

I'm like a fucking onion. Each layer I peel away just reveals another layer underneath, and each time there are more tears.

Do I owe it to those around me to keep trying to fix myself, in the hope of having a few happy years before old age takes me anyway?

I don't know any more. I'm not sure I'm fixable. I don't know if I even want to try to fix myself any more. But I can't deal with the guilt of how I would impact those around me.

I know nobody can answer these questions but me, but I'm too tired and confused to even think straight and just go round and round in circles in my head.

Sorry, I needed to get this off my chest and this forum is the only place I feel safe doing so.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Very relatable.

 

[Nomolos92]

I think there comes a time when you just have to do what's really right for you.
I'm 48 and feel like I've spent the last 20 odd years just going through the motions and surviving for the benefit of those around me but I'm so tired & just want to find peace now.

 

[Bct]

It's okay to vent since this is a safe space for us.

I also think I'm unfixable despite haven't done any therapies, but a bit curious though.

If I have to do one, I don't know for how long I should endure it, and I also can't afford it especially this pandemic means less income to spend. And of course the relapse that takes away years of progress...

 

[ForeverStunted]

I feel you so hard. I'm YEARS deep into therapy and haven't even covered half of it. I'm in misery. I've already destroyed my marriage via self sabotage. I can't deal with inadvertently hurting my spouse DAILY because I'm too fucking crazy to function.

I've played with this idea many times. This time is different. I feel peace. I feel calm. I'm ready.

 

[I’mDone]

I think there comes a time when you just have to do what's really right for you.
I'm 48 and feel like I've spent the last 20 odd years just going through the motions and surviving for the benefit of those around me but I'm so tired & just want to find peace now.

Similar age. It gets exhausting, doesn't it? ❤❤

I feel you so hard. I'm YEARS deep into therapy and haven't even covered half of it. I'm in misery. I've already destroyed my marriage via self sabotage. I can't deal with inadvertently hurting my spouse DAILY because I'm too fucking crazy to function.

I've played with this idea many times. This time is different. I feel peace. I feel calm. I'm ready.

Sending you love and peace.