Not overly sure what I'm looking for from this post/thread/essay, not sure there's a 'question' as such but maybe it might be fishing for some reassurance or maybe just sharing of anyone else's anecdotes/experiences and a chance for discussion. 
It's certainly me just rambling and trying to make sense in a world of jumble, trying to get to grips with articulating things. I guess thats one of the best aspects of this forum.
Exercise is good. Its certainly better than some other activities/strategies out there. Heck, it even could be seen as beneficial for longevity/long term health (lol). But does it become bad? and if so when is too much? Over years/maybe decades now I have kept building and building. Expecting or hoping to maybe break to prove a point (maybe get some attention that way). But I just kept getting stronger and fitter. That's a good thing you might all say. Except it kinda just means my baseline is annoyingly high now. I don't consider any walks shorter than at least an hour worthwhile, hiking routes should be absolute minimum 20km, weights sessions are doubled up or with intervals, I cycle or walk everywhere meaning my 30 mins cycle to work doesn't count as 'training' to my brain. If I had to drive or bus the commute, I'd feel like I was lazier than sedentary. It can also mean if I'm having a 'bad' day, sometimes exercise is no longer an option for me to 'blast it out' because I have likely already done stuff that day or am planning something big the next day which I don't want to sabotage. But then on the other hand I am fully aware that I am nowhere near 'the strongest', and the world of ultra running puts my distances to shame/short jogs. I could always do more/faster/harder/heavier.
Coping/regulation
But it all helps so much. Doing something (especially high intensity) in the morning means I often feel so much calmer and clearer and 'prepared' and able to just crack on with things than if I were to lie in and get more sleep (like most the world does). Feeling heightened feels functional. Yet if I ever discuss my activity levels with 'society' (e.g. colleagues or even gym staff) they generally comment I'm something like a mentalist doing so much. And they also 'win' because as/when I am tired or grumpy or tantrum, burnout just gets blamed. But then I get scared people might tell me off that I'm doing too much and need to stop (so I avoid the risk by hiding activity levels and/or burnout feelings). But thats when I fall apart in so many ways, if I try to force rest.
Exercising keeps me busy/distracted. And with an activity that doesn't need further context or explanation to society. Mainly, it makes me put down my phone. Partially to stop scrolling but partially to stop typing. Less of an issue in the past few years as I've isolated, but it still distracts me from the urge of attention seeking and some sort of needy equivalent of drunk texting randomly. Quiet for my is typically good news - I'm busy.
With super easy/steady state/low intensity exercise, I can fully zone out. Let my brain bounce wherever it wants to go. Usually on a solo hike (so am away from people - probably harder in a busy gym context), which means I can cry and shout and laugh and whatever. And forget it all jumping between it. Almost like on tv/film where someone who's dying shows jumpy flashbacks of their life and memories. Lose myself in something similar to that. Over time I guess I've learnt I can't articulate any of it so just accept and disappear into it.
With harder/higher intensity stuff I'm usually kept busy by the need to pay full attention with what I'm doing. More 'in the zone' than 'zone out'. Heavy weights need perfect technique, winter mountains need spot-on navigation and technical route choices, gym classes/intervals just need all-out grunt (although the controlled environment there can lead equally to safe zoning out).
And then theres the aches and fatigue. Being physically knackered at the end of the day helps point me to bed and sleeping better. And my brain feeling that rest is whats needed and being knackered in itself from either bouncing all over the place, or from intense focus. And feeling generally 'accomplished'/satisfied with my day having 'achieved' something. However, the shifting baseline theory means I need to do really quite a lot in a day to reach this zen/knackered state.
Reassurance/functioning
Society also gives so many mixed messages. BS influencers touting and spouting whatever they can as clickbait and most mainstream media not much better (especially this time of year). In past lives I have studied sports science, as well as playing sport at an elite level. Ask one person and they say I'm doing way too much and rest is good. Ask another and they say any/all exercise is good. It doesn't help that I hate (and always have) my body. I've always been bigger and so becoming strong gave me a way to 'accept' being not skinny - theres an 'excuse' - I'm 'strong'. But then strong makes clothes even harder to find/buy/wear and makes me feel even more awkward. And also kicks off spirals about how I 'should' be smaller given the stuff I do.
On the other side to this is nutrition. I struggle with appetite and things like restriction/bingeing/loss of interest/too much interest. All averages out to 'nothing of concern to see here' even if I feel like I'm bouncing to extremes all over the place. But the exercise makes me look at nutrition. Kinda disjointed and not as food but as fuel - I'm eating meals because I know I need to not sabotage my next session(s), both energy and recovery. More often than not, eating by logic and not feel, almost formulaic. I know this is a positive thing, just get caught up on the fact it feels so removed from anything I feel or think. Not that I successfully feel or think anything.
On top of nutrition is personal hygiene. Being active can force me to shower etc. I'm weirdly neutral and lazy about it (also lots of living outdoors, travelling and expeds teach you generally nothing bad happens, plus the idea of not wasting so much energy/water/products on myself), but having done exercise can force me to make my brain accept that its ok to shower.
I never trust my memory, and have zero confidence/self-worth. To the point that if I haven't done a particular session in a few days/a week then I question and doubt and assume I've lost all my fitness. Even though science, logic and experience all know that years of training is not undone in a week or two. But doing each session feels a huge sense of relief and reassurance that I 'can' do the thing. Even keeping up routine weekly sessions, just before each session I have to shut off any anticipation and just go and do exactly the same thing on autopilot so that I get it done and can then calm myself that 'yes, see, its ok I'm still strong, I still can do the one thing I'm functional for' - which is kinda ridiculous. And hard to process now I'm too old for elite/competitive sport (and not interested in it after failing and falling on my face massively in past attempt, saved/kicked out by covid)
Addiction
I don't even know what counts as a 'problem' these days. And I'm not sure I can deal with 'labels' and 'diagnoses' unless they have actions and solutions. But everything can be a problem if it disrupts your life. But what if this is my life. Aside from neurodivergence/neurotypical, everyone is neurodiverse, we all are unique and maybe its just this is what 'works' for me, whatever that means, and assuming it is 'actually' 'working'.
Treatment/prevention
An added personal complication is ongoing back pain thats undergoing investigation and waiting lists. It could well be something chronic/lifelong/deteriorating. But after getting over the fact I am still doing things the way I am doing them, both physio and gp sort of didn't ask questions and said not to change anything for now (zero mental health context involved). But researching leads me to realise that maybe me forcing and pushing through this pain is a good thing as its maybe stopped this becoming a restrictive condition (yet). But then does that then mask for being offered preventative treatment - confusing whether I can even be 'ill' if I'm hiking and heavy weightlifting etc. But maybe my exercise is just that - and its not involving BigPharma. I'm one of the folk here who is stuck in that void of not living but not actively managing to plan dying. So I guess there's no point stopping to make things worse (it would be slow deterioration).
For now I guess its what/all I've got, so may as well just allow my autopilot self to keep going/moving. Even though its exhausting keeping up so much at times fitting in the plans, Its usually way less exhausting to just fo it than any alternatives (including rest). I'm just weird. But it helps, I think. But its also likely setting myself up to fail, either burnout or if/when I get ill or injured where would I even look. And this is all with actively preventing my brain from looking at the bigger picture and existentialism and what even is the point in being here to run around in circles and throw heavy things around on repeat. And yes, I am also very very conscious of the fact that if this is all I'm venting about then I'm grand in the bigger picture. Even if it feels like I'm maxed out in the sense of nowhere else to turn or try when I have bad days.
Thanks for your time and humouring me with your attention if you're still here.
It's certainly me just rambling and trying to make sense in a world of jumble, trying to get to grips with articulating things. I guess thats one of the best aspects of this forum.Exercise is good. Its certainly better than some other activities/strategies out there. Heck, it even could be seen as beneficial for longevity/long term health (lol). But does it become bad? and if so when is too much? Over years/maybe decades now I have kept building and building. Expecting or hoping to maybe break to prove a point (maybe get some attention that way). But I just kept getting stronger and fitter. That's a good thing you might all say. Except it kinda just means my baseline is annoyingly high now. I don't consider any walks shorter than at least an hour worthwhile, hiking routes should be absolute minimum 20km, weights sessions are doubled up or with intervals, I cycle or walk everywhere meaning my 30 mins cycle to work doesn't count as 'training' to my brain. If I had to drive or bus the commute, I'd feel like I was lazier than sedentary. It can also mean if I'm having a 'bad' day, sometimes exercise is no longer an option for me to 'blast it out' because I have likely already done stuff that day or am planning something big the next day which I don't want to sabotage. But then on the other hand I am fully aware that I am nowhere near 'the strongest', and the world of ultra running puts my distances to shame/short jogs. I could always do more/faster/harder/heavier.
Coping/regulation
But it all helps so much. Doing something (especially high intensity) in the morning means I often feel so much calmer and clearer and 'prepared' and able to just crack on with things than if I were to lie in and get more sleep (like most the world does). Feeling heightened feels functional. Yet if I ever discuss my activity levels with 'society' (e.g. colleagues or even gym staff) they generally comment I'm something like a mentalist doing so much. And they also 'win' because as/when I am tired or grumpy or tantrum, burnout just gets blamed. But then I get scared people might tell me off that I'm doing too much and need to stop (so I avoid the risk by hiding activity levels and/or burnout feelings). But thats when I fall apart in so many ways, if I try to force rest.
Exercising keeps me busy/distracted. And with an activity that doesn't need further context or explanation to society. Mainly, it makes me put down my phone. Partially to stop scrolling but partially to stop typing. Less of an issue in the past few years as I've isolated, but it still distracts me from the urge of attention seeking and some sort of needy equivalent of drunk texting randomly. Quiet for my is typically good news - I'm busy.
With super easy/steady state/low intensity exercise, I can fully zone out. Let my brain bounce wherever it wants to go. Usually on a solo hike (so am away from people - probably harder in a busy gym context), which means I can cry and shout and laugh and whatever. And forget it all jumping between it. Almost like on tv/film where someone who's dying shows jumpy flashbacks of their life and memories. Lose myself in something similar to that. Over time I guess I've learnt I can't articulate any of it so just accept and disappear into it.
With harder/higher intensity stuff I'm usually kept busy by the need to pay full attention with what I'm doing. More 'in the zone' than 'zone out'. Heavy weights need perfect technique, winter mountains need spot-on navigation and technical route choices, gym classes/intervals just need all-out grunt (although the controlled environment there can lead equally to safe zoning out).
And then theres the aches and fatigue. Being physically knackered at the end of the day helps point me to bed and sleeping better. And my brain feeling that rest is whats needed and being knackered in itself from either bouncing all over the place, or from intense focus. And feeling generally 'accomplished'/satisfied with my day having 'achieved' something. However, the shifting baseline theory means I need to do really quite a lot in a day to reach this zen/knackered state.
Reassurance/functioning
Society also gives so many mixed messages. BS influencers touting and spouting whatever they can as clickbait and most mainstream media not much better (especially this time of year). In past lives I have studied sports science, as well as playing sport at an elite level. Ask one person and they say I'm doing way too much and rest is good. Ask another and they say any/all exercise is good. It doesn't help that I hate (and always have) my body. I've always been bigger and so becoming strong gave me a way to 'accept' being not skinny - theres an 'excuse' - I'm 'strong'. But then strong makes clothes even harder to find/buy/wear and makes me feel even more awkward. And also kicks off spirals about how I 'should' be smaller given the stuff I do.
On the other side to this is nutrition. I struggle with appetite and things like restriction/bingeing/loss of interest/too much interest. All averages out to 'nothing of concern to see here' even if I feel like I'm bouncing to extremes all over the place. But the exercise makes me look at nutrition. Kinda disjointed and not as food but as fuel - I'm eating meals because I know I need to not sabotage my next session(s), both energy and recovery. More often than not, eating by logic and not feel, almost formulaic. I know this is a positive thing, just get caught up on the fact it feels so removed from anything I feel or think. Not that I successfully feel or think anything.
On top of nutrition is personal hygiene. Being active can force me to shower etc. I'm weirdly neutral and lazy about it (also lots of living outdoors, travelling and expeds teach you generally nothing bad happens, plus the idea of not wasting so much energy/water/products on myself), but having done exercise can force me to make my brain accept that its ok to shower.
I never trust my memory, and have zero confidence/self-worth. To the point that if I haven't done a particular session in a few days/a week then I question and doubt and assume I've lost all my fitness. Even though science, logic and experience all know that years of training is not undone in a week or two. But doing each session feels a huge sense of relief and reassurance that I 'can' do the thing. Even keeping up routine weekly sessions, just before each session I have to shut off any anticipation and just go and do exactly the same thing on autopilot so that I get it done and can then calm myself that 'yes, see, its ok I'm still strong, I still can do the one thing I'm functional for' - which is kinda ridiculous. And hard to process now I'm too old for elite/competitive sport (and not interested in it after failing and falling on my face massively in past attempt, saved/kicked out by covid)
Addiction
I don't even know what counts as a 'problem' these days. And I'm not sure I can deal with 'labels' and 'diagnoses' unless they have actions and solutions. But everything can be a problem if it disrupts your life. But what if this is my life. Aside from neurodivergence/neurotypical, everyone is neurodiverse, we all are unique and maybe its just this is what 'works' for me, whatever that means, and assuming it is 'actually' 'working'.
Treatment/prevention
An added personal complication is ongoing back pain thats undergoing investigation and waiting lists. It could well be something chronic/lifelong/deteriorating. But after getting over the fact I am still doing things the way I am doing them, both physio and gp sort of didn't ask questions and said not to change anything for now (zero mental health context involved). But researching leads me to realise that maybe me forcing and pushing through this pain is a good thing as its maybe stopped this becoming a restrictive condition (yet). But then does that then mask for being offered preventative treatment - confusing whether I can even be 'ill' if I'm hiking and heavy weightlifting etc. But maybe my exercise is just that - and its not involving BigPharma. I'm one of the folk here who is stuck in that void of not living but not actively managing to plan dying. So I guess there's no point stopping to make things worse (it would be slow deterioration).
For now I guess its what/all I've got, so may as well just allow my autopilot self to keep going/moving. Even though its exhausting keeping up so much at times fitting in the plans, Its usually way less exhausting to just fo it than any alternatives (including rest). I'm just weird. But it helps, I think. But its also likely setting myself up to fail, either burnout or if/when I get ill or injured where would I even look. And this is all with actively preventing my brain from looking at the bigger picture and existentialism and what even is the point in being here to run around in circles and throw heavy things around on repeat. And yes, I am also very very conscious of the fact that if this is all I'm venting about then I'm grand in the bigger picture. Even if it feels like I'm maxed out in the sense of nowhere else to turn or try when I have bad days.
Thanks for your time and humouring me with your attention if you're still here.
