Story Ex-girlfriend CTB and I'm crushed

[LetItBleed]

Hello everyone,

I learnt a few days ago that my ex CTB. It's been really hard for me and I can't stop feeling guilty for it. Because I ended the relationship, for reasons I felt objectively reasonable at the time - i.e., I didn't have the strength in me to provide her the love and affection she needed and deserved - but which were also pretty selfish. I needed a time-out. I felt overwhelmed by other things and I thought cutting her out would make feel better. At peace for a few days. I did feel better, but it took her partly over the top. I felt scared after, I felt alone and I wondered, considering the feelings she had for me, that she'd be scared too. But it was too late.

I know I made her happy. I opened parts of my world to her and I saw that she glad I did. I never said I loved her because the last time I did say that to someone, she destroyed me. I went along, I've built this wall around me and when I finally let some people in at some point I can't take it anymore. I've hurt a few people along the way and some hurt me and I thought this was the grand scheme of things, you know. I know I can handle it. I've always thought people could handle it. But she couldn't.

She had other issues, of course. She didn't talk about them too much but I always saw her as a strong person. Considering her past, her thoughts. She mentioned weaknesses and darkness, but never anything close to suicidal. She hanged around because of me, partly. Now it seems clear. And I abandoned her.

Ever since she CTBed it opened up some wounds. I did a lot of research on suicide a few years ago. I've never rarely enjoyed life per se, but a few things were enough to scrap by. Let's say I never really got the point of existence but the idea of the afterlife void scares me. It's both comforting and scary in a way. I'm not scared of death but I'm scared of being alone. As much as I love being alone IRL, it's also my biggest fear. I left her because I wanted to be alone and now I'm really scared because she might have been the one who would have not make me feel alone. Does that even make sense, I don't know. I'm also really scared she's alone now. I don't want her to be. If I disappointed her in this life, I want to be with her in the next.

I've been researching CTB methods ever since. For the last 72 hours. I stumbled upon here and was amazed by this community. This morning I almost bought SN but I couldn't. I can live with the guilt but I can't live with the feeling that she didn't feel loved. I know it's what she thought and I understand why, but emotions are complicated. I easily feel overwhelmed by them and I don't know how to reach a hand. I also didn't know she wanted to reach one.

This afternoon I got my hands on her journal. The thoughts she documented before deciding to CTB. There was a lot of them, some of course about the void she had been feeling for a long time. Some about me. Nothing mean because she never had any meanness in her but obviously, she felt disappointed by how we ended things. It was really hard to read, to imagine all these moments I wasn't sure if I should talk to her. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to feel weak.

And then a "funny" thing happened. I understood how she CTB. It wasn't clear for the innocent eye but considering I had read hundreds of pages here I got it. She did SN. And I certainly know she read it about here because she talked about the "regimen". About the "fast" and so on. And I'm pretty sure she posted here. Her goodbye thread and her other posts correspond to the timeline. I recognize her voice. And I'm really glad she stumbled upon this platform, even though it ended this way ; because upon reading her, I know she was happy to go. That she found peace. So I'd like to thank everyone and their kind hearts for letting her leave peacefully.

Now I'm pondering about the whole thing myself. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to think I'd learn the news and go on peacefully with my life. Most of all, I don't want to forget. And I know time heals, but I don't want to heal. I strangely feel like, in the grand scheme of things, she's been talking to me. Leaving crumbs. A path to follow. I don't believe in a lot of things but I do believe in destiny. In signs. I did find her here, that can't be a coincidence. It's like our paths are intertwined. I didn't see it before and I see it now. The things she talked about in her journal, I've been feeling them for a long time. It's like she's speaking through me. I didn't know she had them, and she didn't know I had them either. We were not big talkers, we were both hurting in our own ways.

I'm not sure if anyone is gonna read this through. I'm not sure how I will appear, maybe in a bad way. I'd understand if you do. But as I said, mostly, thank you all for your kindess and for having provided this space for her.

 

[issyishere]

I'm so sorry that you lost someone close to you, I'm not sure what to say that will make you feel better. We're here for you with any choice you make How are you holding up now?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Wow, you have been through so much and I am truly sorry for what you have been endured. None of this can be easy, and im honestly amazed you can sit to write coherent paragraphs and express yourself so well.

I want to share some of my thoughts, being the person who is going to CTB after being dumped. Our situations are not exactly mirror images but this is something like the goodbye letter i contemplated sending to my ex partner as a prescheduled email after my death:

"I will never hold it against you for doing what yuo thought was the best thing to do for yourself. I want you to continue to live, to thrive, prosper, find new and better, greater loves, and eventually forget all about me. I am sorry if my own actions are a detriment to that."

I too was abandoned, in a time of dire need. But my love for that other person is so much greater than my own suffering. It hurts deeply that they no longer want me in their life, but ultimately the decision to CTB is my own to make and I cannot place the blame on others - let alone her. Isn't that the whole point, that WE have the choice?

I'm not sure your ex would've ever wanted to set you down the path where you end up here. You know better than all of us. But if the love was real, i can't imagine it being a possibility.

Whatever you decide, know that we are here for you. I know it's tough but you should probably stop looking at the journal and the threads that your ex might've posted. It is juts going to make things harder for you.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much.. We are all here for you

 

[LetItBleed]

I'm so sorry that you lost someone close to you, I'm not sure what to say that will make you feel better. We're here for you with any choice you make How are you holding up now?

Thank you. It's devastating to know that even if I couldn't have helped her overcoming her problems, I could have been something to rely on, at least for a while. It's devastating to know that a few moments of weakness and uncertainty led to this. There's no second chance, no more opportunity to say that I'm sorry. I feel like I've been chasing for that pure and wonderful thing for the past years and once I had I didn't see it. I don't know how to recover from that.

Wow, you have been through so much and I am truly sorry for what you have been endured. None of this can be easy, and im honestly amazed you can sit to write coherent paragraphs and express yourself so well.

I want to share some of my thoughts, being the person who is going to CTB after being dumped. Our situations are not exactly mirror images but this is something like the goodbye letter i contemplated sending to my ex partner as a prescheduled email after my death:

"I will never hold it against you for doing what you thought was the best thing to do for yourself. I want you to continue to live, to thrive, prosper, find new and better, greater loves, and eventually forget all about me. I am sorry if my own actions are a detriment to that."

I too was abandoned, in a time of dire need. But my love for that other person is so much greater than my own suffering. It hurts deeply that they no longer want me in their life, but ultimately the decision to CTB is my own to make and I cannot place the blame on others - let alone her. Isn't that the whole point, that WE have the choice?

I'm not sure your ex would've ever wanted to set you down the path where you end up here. You know better than all of us. But if the love was real, i can't imagine it being a possibility.

Whatever you decide, know that we are here for you. I know it's tough but you should probably stop looking at the journal and the threads that your ex might've posted. It is juts going to make things harder for you.

Thanks for your words. I'm glad she had the choice, I can't say I'm glad she did it but I don't hold any grudges. It was her life, as you said. As much as it's probably not what she would have wanted, I can't shake the feeling that all of this is written. I don't want her to be alone, even if it's sitting in silence in the dark, at least I'd be here. I'd hold her hand. She'd say What are you doing here? and we'd laugh and nothing else would matter anymore.

 

[Fiadh]

I am sorry for what you went through, it is always difficult to lose someone; there is a feeling of guilt, you wonder if you could have done something, if at least one thing was different, who knows, things might not have ended this way. But this other scenario is something we will never know, this is the reality that we are in, so there is no point in wondering what could have been, we can only try to move on with what is.

I don't think she would want to blame you for the end of the relationship, when someone is not in the mental state to be in a relationship and still insists on trying to keep feeling they don't feel, that person ends up hurting your s/o much more than they would if they have just endend things when they should.

Lastly, I know this is going to sound a bit harsh, but I don't think she would want to be used as a reason for you to kill yourself. If she really loved you, she would want to be the reason for you to continue living. If you want to honor her memory, do so by living the life she never could.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry to hear both of you have endured so much pain. A story very much hits home for me, I am currently in her position. I understand your feelings of guilt, but her loss is not your fault. Just like my inevitable death will not be my ex fiancé fault. In the end nobody knows what we can and cannot handle. My ex would never imagine that I'd be in a darker place as I am now, as it was always assumed I was the strongest person among us and that it would be fine if he left. It is not your fault that you were unable to predict the way she would process.

I hope you are able to find peace with what happened by whatever path is right for you. I am happy that you reached out for help and communication.

 

[MachinaArcana]

LetItBleed. I'm really sorry for your loss and I can imagine you are going through a tremendous struggle right now. And even though it's easy for me to say, I think it's also important to accept that, when it comes to ctb of people we hold dear, there are almost always circumstances (and thought patterns) which are not within our control, quite simply because they are so individual and not our own, and that there will are always remain questions which will never be answered in a way we find fullfilling. No matter how much we would like that to be the case.
Thanks for reaching out, I think that's exactly what you need to do right now - it will help you gain perspective and choose whatever path is best for you.
I am sending hugs your way. Hang in there.
P.S. Sorry for my subpar english, not a native speaker obviously.

 

[LetItBleed]

Thank you both for your words. As rational as they are, it's hard for me to approach them as I maybe should. I lost and have hurt her after having made what I felt was rational at the time, and now I have a growing stain in my heart that hurts when it reaches the borders. It wants to get out and I can't slice it open.
No rushed decision will be made from this. I can't even realistically. I just want to be with her. I hope she soon come talk to me in my dreams, if she cares to. I'm really scared she won't.

 

[MachinaArcana]

LeItBleed, allow me to rephrase that... it's a language barrier thing I'm afraid ;) I doubt anyone here would expect you to approach this in an either emotional OR rational way, I certainly wasn't implying the latter. As a matter of fact, from what I'm reading on here, many of us have difficulties striking a balance between those two. It's not easy. It's a painful and confronting experiment, so to speak, where the heart and mind often contradict eachother. And to make matters worse, from the get go, most of us have been taught it's a taboo subject. And it requires courage, which you have demonstrated you have... in spades.
So I hope you will continue to speak out, and let this place be a soundboard for your thoughts and feelings during these difficult times. I may not be able to offer much help or insight, but for what it's worth, I'm right there with you, hoping she visits you in a dream, offering you comfort, consolation and peace.
Hugs.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, especially someone that means a lot to you. I hope you are able to find peace down the road, whether it is to continue living or CTB'ing.

 

[jgm63]

Welcome and thank you for your story.
We'll try to support you as best we can and hopefully you may have the chance to pass that forward also.....

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Hello everyone,

I learnt a few days ago that my ex CTB. It's been really hard for me and I can't stop feeling guilty for it. Because I ended the relationship, for reasons I felt objectively reasonable at the time - i.e., I didn't have the strength in me to provide her the love and affection she needed and deserved - but which were also pretty selfish. I needed a time-out. I felt overwhelmed by other things and I thought cutting her out would make feel better. At peace for a few days. I did feel better, but it took her partly over the top. I felt scared after, I felt alone and I wondered, considering the feelings she had for me, that she'd be scared too. But it was too late.

I know I made her happy. I opened parts of my world to her and I saw that she glad I did. I never said I loved her because the last time I did say that to someone, she destroyed me. I went along, I've built this wall around me and when I finally let some people in at some point I can't take it anymore. I've hurt a few people along the way and some hurt me and I thought this was the grand scheme of things, you know. I know I can handle it. I've always thought people could handle it. But she couldn't.

She had other issues, of course. She didn't talk about them too much but I always saw her as a strong person. Considering her past, her thoughts. She mentioned weaknesses and darkness, but never anything close to suicidal. She hanged around because of me, partly. Now it seems clear. And I abandoned her.

Ever since she CTBed it opened up some wounds. I did a lot of research on suicide a few years ago. I've never rarely enjoyed life per se, but a few things were enough to scrap by. Let's say I never really got the point of existence but the idea of the afterlife void scares me. It's both comforting and scary in a way. I'm not scared of death but I'm scared of being alone. As much as I love being alone IRL, it's also my biggest fear. I left her because I wanted to be alone and now I'm really scared because she might have been the one who would have not make me feel alone. Does that even make sense, I don't know. I'm also really scared she's alone now. I don't want her to be. If I disappointed her in this life, I want to be with her in the next.

I've been researching CTB methods ever since. For the last 72 hours. I stumbled upon here and was amazed by this community. This morning I almost bought SN but I couldn't. I can live with the guilt but I can't live with the feeling that she didn't feel loved. I know it's what she thought and I understand why, but emotions are complicated. I easily feel overwhelmed by them and I don't know how to reach a hand. I also didn't know she wanted to reach one.

This afternoon I got my hands on her journal. The thoughts she documented before deciding to CTB. There was a lot of them, some of course about the void she had been feeling for a long time. Some about me. Nothing mean because she never had any meanness in her but obviously, she felt disappointed by how we ended things. It was really hard to read, to imagine all these moments I wasn't sure if I should talk to her. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to feel weak.

And then a "funny" thing happened. I understood how she CTB. It wasn't clear for the innocent eye but considering I had read hundreds of pages here I got it. She did SN. And I certainly know she read it about here because she talked about the "regimen". About the "fast" and so on. And I'm pretty sure she posted here. Her goodbye thread and her other posts correspond to the timeline. I recognize her voice. And I'm really glad she stumbled upon this platform, even though it ended this way ; because upon reading her, I know she was happy to go. That she found peace. So I'd like to thank everyone and their kind hearts for letting her leave peacefully.

Now I'm pondering about the whole thing myself. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to think I'd learn the news and go on peacefully with my life. Most of all, I don't want to forget. And I know time heals, but I don't want to heal. I strangely feel like, in the grand scheme of things, she's been talking to me. Leaving crumbs. A path to follow. I don't believe in a lot of things but I do believe in destiny. In signs. I did find her here, that can't be a coincidence. It's like our paths are intertwined. I didn't see it before and I see it now. The things she talked about in her journal, I've been feeling them for a long time. It's like she's speaking through me. I didn't know she had them, and she didn't know I had them either. We were not big talkers, we were both hurting in our own ways.

I'm not sure if anyone is gonna read this through. I'm not sure how I will appear, maybe in a bad way. I'd understand if you do. But as I said, mostly, thank you all for your kindess and for having provided this space for her.

May I pm you? If you are who I think it is, I might know your gf..

 

[LetItBleed]

May I pm you? If you are who I think it is, I might know your gf..

You can.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Hello everyone,

I learnt a few days ago that my ex CTB. It's been really hard for me and I can't stop feeling guilty for it. Because I ended the relationship, for reasons I felt objectively reasonable at the time - i.e., I didn't have the strength in me to provide her the love and affection she needed and deserved - but which were also pretty selfish. I needed a time-out. I felt overwhelmed by other things and I thought cutting her out would make feel better. At peace for a few days. I did feel better, but it took her partly over the top. I felt scared after, I felt alone and I wondered, considering the feelings she had for me, that she'd be scared too. But it was too late.

I know I made her happy. I opened parts of my world to her and I saw that she glad I did. I never said I loved her because the last time I did say that to someone, she destroyed me. I went along, I've built this wall around me and when I finally let some people in at some point I can't take it anymore. I've hurt a few people along the way and some hurt me and I thought this was the grand scheme of things, you know. I know I can handle it. I've always thought people could handle it. But she couldn't.

She had other issues, of course. She didn't talk about them too much but I always saw her as a strong person. Considering her past, her thoughts. She mentioned weaknesses and darkness, but never anything close to suicidal. She hanged around because of me, partly. Now it seems clear. And I abandoned her.

Ever since she CTBed it opened up some wounds. I did a lot of research on suicide a few years ago. I've never rarely enjoyed life per se, but a few things were enough to scrap by. Let's say I never really got the point of existence but the idea of the afterlife void scares me. It's both comforting and scary in a way. I'm not scared of death but I'm scared of being alone. As much as I love being alone IRL, it's also my biggest fear. I left her because I wanted to be alone and now I'm really scared because she might have been the one who would have not make me feel alone. Does that even make sense, I don't know. I'm also really scared she's alone now. I don't want her to be. If I disappointed her in this life, I want to be with her in the next.

I've been researching CTB methods ever since. For the last 72 hours. I stumbled upon here and was amazed by this community. This morning I almost bought SN but I couldn't. I can live with the guilt but I can't live with the feeling that she didn't feel loved. I know it's what she thought and I understand why, but emotions are complicated. I easily feel overwhelmed by them and I don't know how to reach a hand. I also didn't know she wanted to reach one.

This afternoon I got my hands on her journal. The thoughts she documented before deciding to CTB. There was a lot of them, some of course about the void she had been feeling for a long time. Some about me. Nothing mean because she never had any meanness in her but obviously, she felt disappointed by how we ended things. It was really hard to read, to imagine all these moments I wasn't sure if I should talk to her. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to feel weak.

And then a "funny" thing happened. I understood how she CTB. It wasn't clear for the innocent eye but considering I had read hundreds of pages here I got it. She did SN. And I certainly know she read it about here because she talked about the "regimen". About the "fast" and so on. And I'm pretty sure she posted here. Her goodbye thread and her other posts correspond to the timeline. I recognize her voice. And I'm really glad she stumbled upon this platform, even though it ended this way ; because upon reading her, I know she was happy to go. That she found peace. So I'd like to thank everyone and their kind hearts for letting her leave peacefully.

Now I'm pondering about the whole thing myself. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to think I'd learn the news and go on peacefully with my life. Most of all, I don't want to forget. And I know time heals, but I don't want to heal. I strangely feel like, in the grand scheme of things, she's been talking to me. Leaving crumbs. A path to follow. I don't believe in a lot of things but I do believe in destiny. In signs. I did find her here, that can't be a coincidence. It's like our paths are intertwined. I didn't see it before and I see it now. The things she talked about in her journal, I've been feeling them for a long time. It's like she's speaking through me. I didn't know she had them, and she didn't know I had them either. We were not big talkers, we were both hurting in our own ways.

I'm not sure if anyone is gonna read this through. I'm not sure how I will appear, maybe in a bad way. I'd understand if you do. But as I said, mostly, thank you all for your kindess and for having provided this space for her.

You can.

you need to post one more post to gain PM privileges here
If she is who i think it is, she wants you to live well, and really love you very very much.

 

[LetItBleed]

My account may not have been active long enough. Please reach to me tonight if you can, thank you.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you have the strength to move on.

 

[Final Escape]

Sorry about your loss, I'm right there too, wanting to ctb over a guy. But it isn't just him, it's because I have quiet borderline personality disorder. It's possible your ex had this too. I hope u decide not to, because this wasn't your fault. It may have triggered her but it's not something you had control over. She decided that her life was not worth it without u at least at that moment of intense despair. Please forgive yourself.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@LetItBleed

If I may share a bit of my story....

When I was 14, I had a 16-year-old boyfriend of less than 2 weeks. He ctb'd with no warning to anyone.

I almost ctb'd a few months later. It felt like the only solution to the hell my life had become. But I made it through that extremely rough patch.

I did move on, in phases. I always remembered his ctb date. I counted off the years, then the decades. I sometimes would think that if he'd lived, he could have perhaps been the love of my life, become my husband, grown old with me.

I am now 48 years old. I have done a lot of healing, of many things in my life before I knew him, and many things after. Just recently I had an epiphany: our relationship would not have lasted. We both were very wounded before we met. We had that huge instant love that isn't real, grounded love. It was the kind of too-fast connection that spirals into co-dependence and unhealthy attachment. At best, it would have fizzled quickly. But I suspect it would have ended, restarted, rinse and repeat, drug on for years, and been awful for both of us.

He gave no warning, left no note. Your ex gave warning. She left explanations. She left no blame. Your pain and suffering are valid and I empathize. But I am also glad for you that you have the peace of answers and finding you were not blamed.

Breakups happen when a relationship is broken. If your ex had not ctb'd, it sounds like you would be moving forward, past a relationship that simply didn't work for you. That is life, that is dating. The relationship didn't pass the requirements for permanent status. That is okay. It doesn't sound like she took issue with it, felt negated, wanted you to stay in the relationship if it wasn't right for you, nor own an ounce of responsibility for her choice. Her cbt was about her, not you.

In time -- maybe a short time, maybe decades -- when you are clearer with your life, you may very well look back and see that you made the right choice to end the relationship, to not follow her into the afterlife, and to not commit your next life to her when you're only really starting to engage in this one. (I suspect you are in your 20s; I call them the adolescence of adulthood. You will grow out of them like you did childhood.) Please be as kind and patient with yourself as you can. You are worthy of your own love and support. I promise.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Just recently I had an epiphany: our relationship would not have lasted. We both were very wounded before we met. We had that huge instant love that isn't real, grounded love. It was the kind of too-fast connection that spirals into co-dependence and unhealthy attachment. At best, it would have fizzled quickly. But I suspect it would have ended, restarted, rinse and repeat, drug on for years, and been awful for both of us.

Thank you for the perspective. Makes me think twice about my own relationship.

 

[LetItBleed]

I will go to her cremation today. Please give me strength.

 

[Daniela]

This afternoon I got my hands on her journal. The thoughts she documented before deciding to CTB. There was a lot of them, some of course about the void she had been feeling for a long time. Some about me. Nothing mean because she never had any meanness in her but obviously, she felt disappointed by how we ended things. It was really hard to read, to imagine all these moments I wasn't sure if I should talk to her. I wanted to hold her but I didn't want to feel weak.

And then a "funny" thing happened. I understood how she CTB. It wasn't clear for the innocent eye but considering I had read hundreds of pages here I got it. She did SN. And I certainly know she read it about here because she talked about the "regimen". About the "fast" and so on. And I'm pretty sure she posted here. Her goodbye thread and her other posts correspond to the timeline. I recognize her voice. And I'm really glad she stumbled upon this platform, even though it ended this way ; because upon reading her, I know she was happy to go. That she found peace. So I'd like to thank everyone and their kind hearts for letting her leave peacefully.

Your girlfriend was the user known as @Moonicide, wasn't she?