Ex Gf is pressuring me to stay and I'm not sure how to feel about it

[Dr. Henjin]

Tl;dr at the bottom

So my partner of 4 years left me 2 months ago in a kind of blindsided situation. It's been messy and weird and we co own a car together and live together. Not since the breakup tho, she's been staying with a friend. But I still have to see her every day.

At first things were extremely hostile and hard but since I made the decision to CTB they've gotten more amicable, and we hang out sometimes. Last night I got a little too drunk and came clean about a lot, including my decision to CTB. We've been really open in the past about our mental health struggles so it wasn't so hard to just come out and say it, and try to talk about her talking care of my dog who has bonded with both of us.

She got really overwhelmed which I get, and said I "couldn't do that to her" etc etc. It was a really long and hard conversation to have and seeing her cry and freak out made me just lie and say something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it I'm just drunk/overly emotional" and whatnot. She eventually calmed down and we watched some tik toks and lied down in bed together. It felt nice and yet extremely painful at the same time.
it's making it extremely hard to continue to plan and go through with things. There's no hope of getting back together but I can tell she really wants my company and misses me. It's just so weird to hear the source of so much of your pain claim they care about you and desperately need you to stay because of what you're CTB might do to them. I feel like she's a drug I keep relapsing on and these little nights we have where we're friendly and cool is a very temporary fix but make things worse in the long run, including my decision to CTB.

tldr: Ex broke up with me 2 months ago, desperately wants me to not ctb even tho I have absolutely nothing left to live for (It's not just the relationship, there are a lot of things that have ruined my life), says it would destroy her, and it's making me feel extremely guilty about CTB. My love for her makes me care about her pain too, but I want to do what's right for me and my pain. I feel like my minds made up but this is making it infinitely harder. Anyone else have experience with a loved one basically guilting you into staying?

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I think it is emotionally abusive to yourself to still be intimate with your ex, you gotta set boundaries.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

It's your choice.

 

[Death is my goal]

it's not her life to tell not to ctb, and anyways you shouldn't tell anyone about this as we all know how they gonna react

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's your decision whether you want to CTB or not. You don't owe your ex GF your life or a life in which you have to suffer. It's simply the fact the humans usually don't like to see others (especially when we know them) dying bc there's grief and loss.

It's your personal decision. I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace.

 

[dyingslowly]

Tl;dr at the bottom

So my partner of 4 years left me 2 months ago in a kind of blindsided situation. It's been messy and weird and we co own a car together and live together. Not since the breakup tho, she's been staying with a friend. But I still have to see her every day.

At first things were extremely hostile and hard but since I made the decision to CTB they've gotten more amicable, and we hang out sometimes. Last night I got a little too drunk and came clean about a lot, including my decision to CTB. We've been really open in the past about our mental health struggles so it wasn't so hard to just come out and say it, and try to talk about her talking care of my dog who has bonded with both of us.

She got really overwhelmed which I get, and said I "couldn't do that to her" etc etc. It was a really long and hard conversation to have and seeing her cry and freak out made me just lie and say something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it I'm just drunk/overly emotional" and whatnot. She eventually calmed down and we watched some tik toks and lied down in bed together. It felt nice and yet extremely painful at the same time.
it's making it extremely hard to continue to plan and go through with things. There's no hope of getting back together but I can tell she really wants my company and misses me. It's just so weird to hear the source of so much of your pain claim they care about you and desperately need you to stay because of what you're CTB might do to them. I feel like she's a drug I keep relapsing on and these little nights we have where we're friendly and cool is a very temporary fix but make things worse in the long run, including my decision to CTB.

tldr: Ex broke up with me 2 months ago, desperately wants me to not ctb even tho I have absolutely nothing left to live for (It's not just the relationship, there are a lot of things that have ruined my life), says it would destroy her, and it's making me feel extremely guilty about CTB. My love for her makes me care about her pain too, but I want to do what's right for me and my pain. I feel like my minds made up but this is making it infinitely harder. Anyone else have experience with a loved one basically guilting you into staying?

Bro you are inexperienced, that's why u are clueless to the whole situation. She broke up with u 2 months ago for someone she thought would be an upgrade to her life, well as usual that must have been turned out to be false and since she doesn't have any backup plans she wants to fix things with you. This is the reality of the situation. If she is very clean will she show u her insta? snapchat? etc. no, understand the situation and get out before it is late since if she got someone again she will most likely go for it. Also u made a big mistake, you told her your plans to CTB. You should have kept them private, since she will be telling that to the new guy she will be seeing that you were mad and then she had to call the relation off blah blah.

 

[Jezzibell]

If you plan on ctb them it should be your decision. My feeling is if you are serious, it's immaterial what others think. If you allow yourself to be persuaded, it's not your time just yet.

 

[Dr. Henjin]

I think it is emotionally abusive to yourself to still be intimate with your ex, you gotta set boundaries.

You're 100% right. I've realized this but it can be hard to stop. Similar to an addiction I guess, which I personally struggle with.

it's not her life to tell not to ctb, and anyways you shouldn't tell anyone about this as we all know how they gonna react

I know, it was really stupid and fueled by my drunken state and need to speak to anyone in person about it. But you're right, not everyone is a SaSu member who gets it.

Bro you are inexperienced, that's why u are clueless to the whole situation. She broke up with u 2 months ago for someone she thought would be an upgrade to her life, well as usual that must have been turned out to be false and since she doesn't have any backup plans she wants to fix things with you. This is the reality of the situation. If she is very clean will she show u her insta? snapchat? etc. no, understand the situation and get out before it is late since if she got someone again she will most likely go for it. Also u made a big mistake, you told her your plans to CTB. You should have kept them private, since she will be telling that to the new guy she will be seeing that you were mad and then she had to call the relation off blah blah.

You're right, that's a big motivator for me to keep my mouth shut from here on out and put on the mask I'm so good at. Thanks. I actually respect your bluntness and telling me exactly what I need to hear.

 

[Meditation guide]

You're 100% right. I've realized this but it can be hard to stop. Similar to an addiction I guess, which I personally struggle with.

I know, it was really stupid and fueled by my drunken state and need to speak to anyone in person about it. But you're right, now everyone is a SaSu member who gets it.

You're right, that's a big motivator for me to keep my mouth shut from here on out and put on the mask I'm so good at. Thanks. I actually respect your bluntness and telling me exactly what I need to hear.

Lesson I learned the hard way, never tell anyone you plan to ctb no matter how close you are to them. I personally have stayed alive for people and pets I loved. I can't help that, my love keeps me bound to them.
I deliberately stopped having pets or being close to anyone at this point.

If she broke up with you then you aren't obligated to her at all.