Venting Ex-Con (Part 2)

[persepexa]

Hi everyone. A few months ago I posted about wanting to CTB due to my criminal record. I spent over a year in prison and it has ruined my life. This is basically a follow up to that post.

So basically everything has gotten worse since I last posted. From a practical standpoint I have no job or even prospects of a job and haven't since getting out. I have barely any money and no savings. I have no real friends and live in a house with strangers. I feel very uncomfortable here.

Apart from that my prison experience still haunts me. I can't stop thinking about it whenever I am alone. Until I went to prison I had never even met someone who had committed a crime, been arrested or been to prison. I couldn't even have told you the name of any famous prisons. I had a good job, a nice life, lovely friends, I was even studying for my masters. I had a lot more than most people. And I just threw it all away over a man.

I'm turning 30 exactly 3 weeks from today and I just can't live like this any more. I can't carry around the trauma of my time in prison or the guilt and shame of what I did for another 10, 20, 30 years.

It's like my brain just can't process any of it. I look at myself in the mirror and think "who is that? That person was in a prison cell. This person has a criminal record that will follow them for the rest of their life." I see old pictures of myself doing normal things and can't believe that person would later go to prison.

All I want is a normal life. A nice job, a group of friends, a boyfriend, a place to live where I feel comfortable and safe. And all of that is so far out of reach. I have made up my mind that CTB is what I want to do. I just need to source a method and then I'm gone.

If you made it this far thank you for reading.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Is there any kind of support to help you back into work? I would have thought that would be a good thing to help people back on their feet.

 

[persepexa]

Is there any kind of support to help you back into work? I would have thought that would be a good thing to help people back on their feet.

Yes I did a course, got another qualification because my actual degree is now useless, and had regular meetings with an employment specialist last year. That support has now stopped because they feel there's nothing more they can do. My CV is just really bad. My degree and my experience is in one specific field that does not allow people to have criminal records. They're very strict and there is no leeway. So when an employer sees my CV they see a degree and years of experience in an unrelated field, a big long gap, and an application for something I have no experience in. It's a big uphill battle to be honest. Even some voluntary roles have rejected me. I'm not your typical career criminal. My situation is unique I would say. I apply for entry level jobs that accept ex-cons and they see me as overqualified. I apply for jobs that are a bit higher up and they see the gap in my CV as a huge red flag.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes I did a course, got another qualification because my actual degree is now useless, and had regular meetings with an employment specialist last year. That support has now stopped because they feel there's nothing more they can do. My CV is just really bad. My degree and my experience is in one specific field that does not allow people to have criminal records. They're very strict and there is no leeway. So when an employer sees my CV they see a degree and years of experience in an unrelated field, a big long gap, and an application for something I have no experience in. It's a big uphill battle to be honest. Even some voluntary roles have rejected me. I'm not your typical career criminal. My situation is unique I would say. I apply for entry level jobs that accept ex-cons and they see me as overqualified. I apply for jobs that are a bit higher up and they see the gap in my CV as a huge red flag.

I'm sorry. Especially since you are obviously trying so hard. It's difficult to be honest- even without a conviction. I was turned down by the chain store I'd previously worked 9 years for, when I was desperate for work. It's not like I was consistently employee of the month or anything but, I would have thought I was still a fairly safe bet. Do you get the sense it is just computers turning you down too? I really hope you get some luck soon.

 

[persepexa]

I'm sorry. Especially since you are obviously trying so hard. It's difficult to be honest- even without a conviction. I was turned down by the chain store I'd previously worked 9 years for, when I was desperate for work. It's not like I was consistently employee of the month or anything but, I would have thought I was still a fairly safe bet. Do you get the sense it is just computers turning you down too? I really hope you get some luck soon.

Thank you! Honestly computers and AI recruiting are definitely a factor. But I have also spoken to people on the phone who have asked about the gap on my CV. I've said different things tbh because sometimes when they call I'm in public and I don't want to air my business in front of strangers but they've never been happy with my answer, no matter what I say. And that gap is getting bigger every day. It's not just employment either. I'm 29 years old, no job or friends. When I try to make friends a lot of people see that as a red flag. It just all makes it hard to rebuild.

 

[dudebl]

I'm so sorry. I have two misdemeanors and I'm afraid of new legal trouble. I'm 37 and already been out of work 3 years. I have nothing as well. I live with my mom.

I've never been to prison. My convictions both came with just fine, but I'm afraid if I get something else they will be much harsher.

I never thought I would be here either, I had a great job before and some circumstances led to me leaving that job.

I can't let my mom deal with me if I have more trouble - I am already depending on her monetarily and emotionally.

If I get a job, big if, it will probably not even be enough to survive.

I know it will hurt my mom if I do ctb, but I can't live with the guilt of my convictions and everything I put on her.

I'm an embarrassment and a failure - she would be better without me.

I don't want to die, but I can't live this life.

I know how you feel and how hard it is, I hope you find some peace someway.

 

[persepexa]

I'm so sorry. I have two misdemeanors and I'm afraid of new legal trouble. I'm 37 and already been out of work 3 years. I have nothing as well. I live with my mom.

I've never been to prison. My convictions both came with just fine, but I'm afraid if I get something else they will be much harsher.

I never thought I would be here either, I had a great job before and some circumstances led to me leaving that job.

I can't let my mom deal with me if I have more trouble - I am already depending on her monetarily and emotionally.

If I get a job, big if, it will probably not even be enough to survive.

I know it will hurt my mom if I do ctb, but I can't live with the guilt of my convictions and everything I put on her.

I'm an embarrassment and a failure - she would be better without me.

I don't want to die, but I can't live this life.

I know how you feel and how hard it is, I hope you find some peace someway.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel the exact same. I'm haunted by it honestly. I just can't live with this. I don't want to be an ex-con. I just want normal things and I'll never get them. My family went from having a somewhat normal son they were proud of to being so ashamed of me they never talk about me. I won't be getting any sort of job I could live off of. I have no friends. I'm a constant worry to them. I was actually thinking of moving back in with my parents tbh but if I do that it will become impossible to CTB. I had a nice respectable job before, nice friends, I used to travel a bit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror any more. Feel free to PM me.

 

[HNR17114168]

Explain the gap in your CV saying you signed a non-disclosure agreement and can't discuss what company you were working for. I've seen that a lot. It works.

 

[InevitableDeath]

That's a good idea, or travelling or something. Provide the best references you can too. I suppose it would depend on the offence and how they check employment history.

Or you could try to find work with employers that won't discriminate in that way. Charities, smaller businesses, arts, more casual or whatever. In many non corporate organisations, if your personality fits and you're committed, thats far more important than a previous record.

And don't measure yourself by it. Its in the past, doesn't make you a bad person. Move on. Move somewhere new if that helps. Finish your masters. I know plenty of ex-cons and most have been made tougher by the experience, in a good way.

Not a great reason to CTB at thirty imho.

 

[persepexa]

Explain the gap in your CV saying you signed a non-disclosure agreement and can't discuss what company you were working for. I've seen that a lot. It works.

I might try that. Thanks!

That's a good idea, or travelling or something. Provide the best references you can too. I suppose it would depend on the offence and how they check employment history.

Or you could try to find work with employers that won't discriminate in that way. Charities, smaller businesses, arts, more casual or whatever. In many non corporate organisations, if your personality fits and you're committed, thats far more important than a previous record.

And don't measure yourself by it. Its in the past, doesn't make you a bad person. Move on. Move somewhere new if that helps. Finish your masters. I know plenty of ex-cons and most have been made tougher by the experience, in a good way.

Not a great reason to CTB at thirty imho.

I have no references from previous employment though that's the thing. None of them will even speak to me. I have never worked a corporate job in my life so I've been applying for anything and everything. Usually I don't even get a reply.

I also can't finish my masters because it was in a foreign country and it's too expensive. Basically I'm trapped in the country where I committed the crime and can't move elsewhere. I have no connections here.

Look everyone is different. Some people can cope with the prison experience, the criminal record etc. I can't. Before prison I had never met a criminal in my life. The guilt and the shame are too much for me. Plus I've been trying for so long to find a job, make new friends etc and it's just not working. Usually when I meet a new person I lie about myself and my history. It just doesn't work. The only people I speak to are people who have been inside and they're just awful people. I have nothing in common with them.

Life is so different when you have been to prison. I'm not sure you can fully appreciate it if you haven't been. Everything is different. You're different. Nothing about life is the same.