Ex almost made me impulse ctb

[Ghost2211]

He was telling me if he is paying for the kids he should have full custody even though he's at work 80+ hours a week. He said his family could just raise the kids for his portion of the time, and that I was an unhealthy environment because the kids saw me cry because he left me. My sons and my therapists told me its ok for them to see me cry as long as I assure them it's just processing. That its ok that the see I have feelings. He made it seem like they don't need me and would be fine without me. They are all that keeps me going.

ive never been so close to impulse ct. I devote my whole existence to my kids, and he's saying their close bond to me is me being manipulative. He's such a different person than the man I met. I feel powerless, hopeless, and worthless.

 

[Flippy]

I'm sorry he's made you feel this way :-( Crying is normal, better than hiding it as kids will likely still be aware that it's happening or know something is up. If you explain why at a level they can understand then I think its fine. If it's hidden then they will potentially learn that being said or crying is something that must be hidden or suppressed. That's what I believed and still do to an extent. I'm usually always trying to hide my emotions and it probably hasn't helped. Sadly when couples split and there are kids involved I think it can lead to some very negative behaviour. Some people use some very mean tactics to undermine the other. :-(

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry he's made you feel this way :-( Crying is normal, better than hiding it as kids will likely still be aware that it's happening or know something is up. If you explain why at a level they can understand then I think its fine. If it's hidden then they will potentially learn that being said or crying is something that must be hidden or suppressed. That's what I believed and still do to an extent. I'm usually always trying to hide my emotions and it probably hasn't helped. Sadly when couples split and there are kids involved I think it can lead to some very negative behaviour. Some people use some very mean tactics to undermine the other. :-(

I very much agree with this. He thinks he's strong for not showing them emotions. My eldest also hates him for hurting me, and I think he assumes his son wouldn't be mad at him if I had Sucked it up.

 

[S1mpleme]

He was telling me if he is paying for the kids he should have full custody even though he's at work 80+ hours a week. He said his family could just raise the kids for his portion of the time, and that I was an unhealthy environment because the kids saw me cry because he left me. My sons and my therapists told me its ok for them to see me cry as long as I assure them it's just processing. That its ok that the see I have feelings. He made it seem like they don't need me and would be fine without me. They are all that keeps me going.

ive never been so close to impulse ct. I devote my whole existence to my kids, and he's saying their close bond to me is me being manipulative. He's such a different person than the man I met. I feel powerless, hopeless, and worthless.

Don't worry about him, you're mother to your kids and no one can change it.

 

[Flippy]

I very much agree with this. He thinks he's strong for not showing them emotions. My eldest also hates him for hurting me, and I think he assumes his son wouldn't be mad at him if I had Sucked it up.

That's really unfair! :-( There is still I think a belief that men shouldn't show emotions. I'm male and people criticise me at times for not showing emotions then other times get annoyed if I do. I'm obviously not condoning his behaviour, it's just another thing added to the mix that makes the whole thing so stressful. Lack of visible emotions is quite often viewed as a sign of strength. It's not the case though, and from where your standing it probably makes it seem like he has all the power. From what you've said, it seems you have a good relationship with your kids. I'm sure that will shine through on the end. He obviously feels threatened by that, and it's probably something he is quite envious of. :-)

 

[Ghost2211]

Don't worry about him, you're mother to your kids and no one can change it.

they can however be removed from my care as I'm too disabled to work and support them, and he has a six figure income.

 

[S1mpleme]

they can however be removed from my care as I'm too disabled to work and support them, and he has a six figure income.

How about kids, what they say about everything?

 

[Ghost2211]

That's really unfair! :-( There is still I think a belief that men shouldn't show emotions. I'm male and people criticise me at times for not showing emotions then other times get annoyed if I do. I'm obviously not condoning his behaviour, it's just another thing added to the mix that makes the whole thing so stressful. Lack of visible emotions is quite often viewed as a sign of strength. It's not the case though, and from where your standing it probably makes it seem like he has all the power. From what you've said, it seems you have a good relationship with your kids. I'm sure that will shine through on the end. He obviously feels threatened by that, and it's probably something he is quite envious of. :-)

Thank you <3

How about kids, what they say about everything?

the 5 year old is autistic, and in love with daddy. 2 year old is too young to know of care, and 8 year old hates him for hurting me.

 

[Flippy]

You are very welcome :-) I really hope things will improve, it may be challenging but stay focused on the ways you are strong. Don't be persuaded by his attempt to show "strength". You've always got these forums to vent to, so if you need to don't hesitate! :-)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

that I was an unhealthy environment because the kids saw me cry because he left me.


he's saying their close bond to me is me being manipulative.


He's such a different person than the man I met. I feel powerless, hopeless, and worthless.

He sounds like a narcissist, or has narcissistic traits. Another term for the behaviors is covert manipulation.

All of the above fit the pattern: becoming a different person, and accusing the other of things they themselves do, such a creating an unhealthy environment and being manipulative. Basically, gaslighting to take the attention off their actions and make you doubt your awareness and capabilities so that, they hope, you will no longer rely on or use them.

I am guessing that at the start, he said you were great, but eventually he criticized and rejected the very things about you that he'd admired. That he blamed you for everything wrong in your relationship, and maybe even everything wrong with him -- all of his dissatisfaction and inabilities. Maybe he criticized and rejected everyone in your support system. If I'm correct, it's the abuse pattern, his feeding off of you through various means of control. People aren't people to true narcissists, they are appliances, they are sources of fuel.

As a resource, if you're interested, I recommend the book In Sheep's Clothing, gives good advice for how to manage interactions if you can't go no contact. Illustrates how the manipulator has a need to win, and views everything as win or lose, not as opportunities for reciprocity and mutual well-being. Also recommend Patricia Evans's books about controlling people and verbal abuse. Both authors can be authoritative, labeling, and convinced of their inherent rightness, but there's a lot of good information if you can set aside anything that doesn't serve you.

So sorry for what's happening in your life.

 

[Ghost2211]

He sounds like a narcissist, or has narcissistic traits. Another term for the behaviors is covert manipulation.

All of the above fit the pattern: becoming a different person, and accusing the other of things they themselves do, such a creating an unhealthy environment and being manipulative. Basically, gaslighting to take the attention off their actions and make you doubt your awareness and capabilities so that, they hope, you will no longer rely on or use them.

I am guessing that at the start, he said you were great, but eventually he criticized and rejected the very things about you that he'd admired. That he blamed you for everything wrong in your relationship, and maybe even everything wrong with him -- all of his dissatisfaction and inabilities. Maybe he criticized and rejected everyone in your support system. If I'm correct, it's the abuse pattern, his feeding off of you through various means of control. People aren't people to true narcissists, they are appliances, they are sources of fuel.

As a resource, if you're interested, I recommend the book In Sheep's Clothing, gives good advice for how to manage interactions if you can't go no contact. Illustrates how the manipulator has a need to win, and views everything as win or lose, not as opportunities for reciprocity and mutual well-being. Also recommend Patricia Evans's books about controlling people and verbal abuse. Both authors can be authoritative, labeling, and convinced of their inherent rightness, but there's a lot of good information if you can set aside anything that doesn't serve you.

So sorry for what's happening in your life.

wow, you actually laid out exactly how he's been behaving and reacting to me perfectly. That's wild. Yes he blames me for everything, and used to say I was the best mother in the world but now I'm a complete failure despite the fact that my behaviors have not changed. He doesn't seem to care at all if I kill myself aside from how it would affect his career and his relationship to the children. He only back down at all when I made it clear to him I would not be able to cope with the loss of my children and Wood and myself immediately after. it's literally the only control and power I have in this situation because our eldest child would hate him with the fires of hell if that was the result. Other than that he has taken everything, and left me completely helpless . he really is a narcissistic man child. He's made false accusations and demonized me for everything that went wrong. His personality has changed so much I just want to get away from this anyway possible. I will check out the book you recommended thank you.

 

[S1mpleme]

Do you plan to take kids and leave him?

 

[Flippy]

He sounds like a narcissist, or has narcissistic traits. Another term for the behaviors is covert manipulation.

All of the above fit the pattern: becoming a different person, and accusing the other of things they themselves do, such a creating an unhealthy environment and being manipulative. Basically, gaslighting to take the attention off their actions and make you doubt your awareness and capabilities so that, they hope, you will no longer rely on or use them.

I am guessing that at the start, he said you were great, but eventually he criticized and rejected the very things about you that he'd admired. That he blamed you for everything wrong in your relationship, and maybe even everything wrong with him -- all of his dissatisfaction and inabilities. Maybe he criticized and rejected everyone in your support system. If I'm correct, it's the abuse pattern, his feeding off of you through various means of control. People aren't people to true narcissists, they are appliances, they are sources of fuel.

As a resource, if you're interested, I recommend the book In Sheep's Clothing, gives good advice for how to manage interactions if you can't go no contact. Illustrates how the manipulator has a need to win, and views everything as win or lose, not as opportunities for reciprocity and mutual well-being. Also recommend Patricia Evans's books about controlling people and verbal abuse. Both authors can be authoritative, labeling, and convinced of their inherent rightness, but there's a lot of good information if you can set aside anything that doesn't serve you.

So sorry for what's happening in your life.

Amen to that! :-) This perfectly described my mother. I had all that crap for nearly 20 years. It's extremely damaging. I haven't had any contact with her for over 15 years now and it was the best thing I ever did. The best option is to go no contact but I see that your situation makes that quite unlikely. Doing some research on narcissists will definitely give you some tools to prevent their manipulation. Narcissists are like global thermonuclear war, the best winning move is not to play. Though often easier said than done :-/

 

[Ghost2211]

Do you plan to take kids and leave him?

if I could I would in a heartbeat, but he has all the financial power.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

They say you never really know a person's character until you split up with them.

The things he is saying are not about YOU, they are about HIM.

Start keeping a record of his words and threats, especially anything he says or does in front of the children.

Part of his income is your income as far as the courts are concerned. If you can, shave tiny amounts from the household budget and squirrel away the cash. Even if it's just a dollar or two, it will add up quickly and give you a bit of comfort.

I would also consider moving your posts here to recovery in case he still has access to the home internet account history.

 

[escapefromabuse]

wow, you actually laid out exactly how he's been behaving and reacting to me perfectly. That's wild. Yes he blames me for everything, and used to say I was the best mother in the world but now I'm a complete failure despite the fact that my behaviors have not changed. He doesn't seem to care at all if I kill myself aside from how it would affect his career and his relationship to the children. He only back down at all when I made it clear to him I would not be able to cope with the loss of my children and Wood and myself immediately after. it's literally the only control and power I have in this situation because our eldest child would hate him with the fires of hell if that was the result. Other than that he has taken everything, and left me completely helpless . he really is a narcissistic man child. He's made false accusations and demonized me for everything that went wrong. His personality has changed so much I just want to get away from this anyway possible. I will check out the book you recommended thank you.

I wanted to jump on this conversation and let you know I'm very much in the same boat. I've been told by a DV counselor there's a good chance mine has a personality disorder. Check out my thread here that lays out the basics of my story: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/coping-with-the-aftermath-of-emotional-abuse.30707/

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

 

[Quarky00]

A very close friend of mine was single mom , suffered PTSD from abusive husband , and just lost her mother to cancer . This was devastating , she was completely broken , and cried a lot . She guilt trip herself that she's bad for the children . That's not the case . The kids came and hugged her .

Sharing is good , and crying is better than yelling . I don't like manipulative people , who use your weakness/strength (because sharing emotions is also a strength) against you , and hit you at the lowest place possible . I know they have malice and block/fight them . Listen to your children

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you guys. Unfortunately we were not married. We've been together for 11 years, and our oldest child is eight but finances made it so getting married would complicate things to the point that it wasn't possible for a little while. I know I'm an idiot. I've always been so good at planning and protecting myself, but when we fall in love with someone we let our guard down.

We are going to meet with an attorney in the near future to try to determine custody and finances and things like that and hopefully keep it out of a court room. Being that we were not married I'm pretty much screwed though, so hopefully I have some thing that he wants so that I can maintain a life with my children.

our lease is up until September we are living together until that time. I know that for the sake of my future and my children I need to just suck it up and be smiles. Luckily I have the space and a Therapist.

Also, my God I have posted like 172 times in the five days I've been here. Man I must be driving you guys nuts by now lol. Sorry to be around quite as much as I am it's basically the only socialization I get outside of my children and my ex. I'm trying to keep myself distracted as I can, and trying to help others is calming.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's a place for posting and engaging. You're doing fine.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Thank you guys. Unfortunately we were not married. We've been together for 11 years, and our oldest child is eight but finances made it so getting married would complicate things to the point that it wasn't possible for a little while. I know I'm an idiot. I've always been so good at planning and protecting myself, but when we fall in love with someone we let our guard down.

We are going to meet with an attorney in the near future to try to determine custody and finances and things like that and hopefully keep it out of a court room. Being that we were not married I'm pretty much screwed though, so hopefully I have some thing that he wants so that I can maintain a life with my children.

our lease is up until September we are living together until that time. I know that for the sake of my future and my children I need to just suck it up and be smiles. Luckily I have the space and a Therapist.

Also, my God I have posted like 172 times in the five days I've been here. Man I must be driving you guys nuts by now lol. Sorry to be around quite as much as I am it's basically the only socialization I get outside of my children and my ex. I'm trying to keep myself distracted as I can, and trying to help others is calming.

I am here everyday and your thoughtful and kind posts bring me comfort and respite, albeit fleeting. I take my graces where I can.

And I sincerely hope the situation with your partner gets better. For your children's sake.

 

[Quarky00]

I am here everyday and your thoughtful and kind posts bring me comfort and respite

I couldn't agree more.

Watch a movie and watch the sunset. The bus will be there when you're ready. Take it one day at a time, and absorb the beauty in life (as fleeting as it may be). You are prepared. No need to rush.

@RoseyBird , I rarely left bed for months.. You pushed me, for sunsets, made me a bit calm though I still feel nothing, but I wanna give you the sunset back as a gift :) It's not "oh lovely picture" BS -- but what I saw with my eyes just yesterday -- being given to you personally Thank you. Your words are priceless.




I haven't had time to read threads here, how are you doing?

 

[Ghost2211]

@RoseyBird[/USER] , I rarely left bed for months.. You pushed me, for sunsets, made me a bit calm though I still feel nothing, but I wanna give you the sunset back as a gift :) It's not "oh lovely picture" BS -- but what I saw with my eyes just yesterday -- being given to you personally Thank you. Your words are priceless.

View attachment 26413


I haven't had time to read threads here, how are you doing?

Thank you, that was amazingly sweet, and made me smile. It is important when we are at our lowest to find even the smallest things that give pleasure. your cup is not empty if it contains even a drop of water, and that's what keeps me going each day. We can't always leave this world when we want/need, but we can find bandaids and stepping stones to make each day that little bit softer.

Here, I will show you a friend of mine. He never takes no for an answer if he sees you need a hug

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thank you, that was amazingly sweet, and made me smile. It is important when we are at our lowest to find even the smallest things that give pleasure. your cup is not empty if it contains even a drop of water, and that's what keeps me going each day. We can't always leave this world when we want/need, but we can find bandaids and stepping stones to make each day that little bit softer.

Here, I will show you a friend of mine. He never takes no for an answer if he sees you need a hug

Hey @RoseyBird ! Hope all is well! U have a parrot just like mine! Noisy little demanding thing but I love him so.They just looooove attention.

 

[Ghost2211]

Hey @RoseyBird ! Hope all is well! U have a parrot just like mine! Noisy little demanding thing but I love him so.They just looooove attention.

They are amazing aren't they? They can be like a winged 3 year old though too.

 

[Lostandfound7]

They are amazing aren't they? They can be like a winged 3 year old though too.

OMG! Seriously! They r hilarious n so demanding! But great company..How r u love?

 

[Ghost2211]

OMG! Seriously! They r hilarious n so demanding! But great company..How r u love?

There are good days and bad days. So far this is one of the better days. How are you feeling today?

 

[Lostandfound7]

Same here. I have my days..I'm feeling OK today. I try to keep myself occupied with school. Otherwise, as soon as I wake up, I wish I wasn't alive..
*I might not take my life today, but I also won't fight to live..*
Happy ur feeling better today.. Here if u need me