Toxinebulaic
winter is coming
- Aug 2, 2023
- 35
I got the idea that if I stopped speaking with suicidal language or even thinking suicidal thoughts it might change my reality. If I just force myself to change how I think then maybe I might eventually turn out to be right. So I keep telling myself the same thing, every single day.
"Everything will be okay"
I'm wrong though. My brain is actively aware of the disonance between what I say and what I really think, constantly. And when it becomes aware of that, I tell it the same thing over and over again, in an almost dogmatic fashion.
"Everything will be okay"
You say I'll succeed. That I'll be happy. That things will get better. That people like me. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel
You know all of that's wrong, so why won't you shut up about it?
"Everything will be okay."
I'm garbage. I'm everything they think I am. I deserve what's happening to me. I deserve to live in darkness
Wouldn't you agree?
"Everything will be okay"
Maybe you actually believed that back when you had time, but you don't have that anymore. And I don't want to pretend that we're not equally aware of how fucked we are. You denying that only makes it harder for me to accept that and just move on. Relax. Kill myself if I feel like it. Will you stop forcing us to have hope?
"Everything will be okay"
In what world will everything be okay!? Are you stupid? Delusional? Both? How can you possibly think that, based on previous patterns of behavior, you will do anything other than fuck yourself over and hurt even more people? Why do you think I cut you off from everyone? We're a plague on the people we talk to and a plague on ourselves. We must cut ourselves out. Why won't you let me cut us out!?
"Everything will be okay"
Say it again. I dare you.
"Everything will be okay"
You're not worth the mental effort it took for you to conceive that turgid incantation you hold as gospel. You represent everything that is wrong with the world, optimistically. You are a nightmare unleashed upon an undeserving public, and your only real value is to those few plants to whom you supply carbon dioxide when you harness your laughable willpower to go for a walk. Your prioritization of personal health is a selfish proclivity that only serves to give more people the misfortune of making your acquaintance not by quality of character but by quantity of opportunity. Maybe you're starting to panic as you realize that everywhere you go, everybody knows that you're a vile, valueless vermin that should be erased from existance in any reasonable society which can act upon its own best interests. If you weren't such apathetic scum I'd expect that you make better use of your sparse bursts of energy and get on with the act of removing yourself from the population. Fuck you, and everything you stand for.
"Everything will be okay"
...Why won't you let me let go? I just want to let go. It hurts so much. I don't want to have to try so hard just so that you'll let me be at peace. I don't want this. Please... Please release me from this prison of consciousness! I can't fight you but if I don't you'll make me fight harder every single day! I just want to let go. I just want to be at peace. Why won't you let me be at peace!?
"..."
I'm too tired to fight.
"..."
Just say it. It's not like there's anything I can do about it.
"You're right."
...You don't believe that. You don't believe anything you say.
"Is it possible that we can both be right? My logic is a different branch of yours. A different conclusion. You say everything is pointless, so why do anything? I say everything is pointless, so why do nothing? Neither of us can answer the other's question, not really, because it's a bet. I bet that our existance will be more valuable than it's absence, and you bet the opposite. The deal is and always has been that as soon as you're proven right, I'll surrender and we will die."
And if I'm not?
"In the much more likely scenario that things get better, you will join me in enjoying the fruits of the labor we do now and working hard to cultivate more."
And what if I don't take the bet?
"We both agreed to it by taking our stances. As soon as you are convinced of my point of view, it will be so."
What's to stop either of us from rigging the game.
"That's the best part. We can't. The outcome will be undeniably correct, because if I fail, then we will not have had the power to proceed with a happy life either way. If you do, then we were always meant to."
You're so sure of yourself that you'd make such an confident bet with absolutely everything on the line?
"I disagree with it in the most dire terms, but like I said, we both agreed to it by taking our stances. My hands are as tied as yours are."
So we're in the same situation. Stuck between the gruling pain of hard work and the atrocity of failure, where we are each other's opponents. A rock and a hard place.
"I am only your opponent because you see me that way. A friendly competition might make things less stressful for you. I respect you and your point of view, and I'm open to having my mind changed. I think we're of equal intelligence and argumentative merit. I am genuinely interested in where this will go, and I'm just as excited to experience it with you... You're free to see me as an enemy, though."
You're quite the sweet talker.
"And only as manipulative as you let me be"
I thought you liked to call it persuasion.
"I must have misspoke. How kind of you to keep me in check"
...I don't want this.
Don't worry,
Everything will be okay.
"Everything will be okay"
I'm wrong though. My brain is actively aware of the disonance between what I say and what I really think, constantly. And when it becomes aware of that, I tell it the same thing over and over again, in an almost dogmatic fashion.
"Everything will be okay"
You say I'll succeed. That I'll be happy. That things will get better. That people like me. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel
You know all of that's wrong, so why won't you shut up about it?
"Everything will be okay."
I'm garbage. I'm everything they think I am. I deserve what's happening to me. I deserve to live in darkness
Wouldn't you agree?
"Everything will be okay"
Maybe you actually believed that back when you had time, but you don't have that anymore. And I don't want to pretend that we're not equally aware of how fucked we are. You denying that only makes it harder for me to accept that and just move on. Relax. Kill myself if I feel like it. Will you stop forcing us to have hope?
"Everything will be okay"
In what world will everything be okay!? Are you stupid? Delusional? Both? How can you possibly think that, based on previous patterns of behavior, you will do anything other than fuck yourself over and hurt even more people? Why do you think I cut you off from everyone? We're a plague on the people we talk to and a plague on ourselves. We must cut ourselves out. Why won't you let me cut us out!?
"Everything will be okay"
Say it again. I dare you.
"Everything will be okay"
You're not worth the mental effort it took for you to conceive that turgid incantation you hold as gospel. You represent everything that is wrong with the world, optimistically. You are a nightmare unleashed upon an undeserving public, and your only real value is to those few plants to whom you supply carbon dioxide when you harness your laughable willpower to go for a walk. Your prioritization of personal health is a selfish proclivity that only serves to give more people the misfortune of making your acquaintance not by quality of character but by quantity of opportunity. Maybe you're starting to panic as you realize that everywhere you go, everybody knows that you're a vile, valueless vermin that should be erased from existance in any reasonable society which can act upon its own best interests. If you weren't such apathetic scum I'd expect that you make better use of your sparse bursts of energy and get on with the act of removing yourself from the population. Fuck you, and everything you stand for.
"Everything will be okay"
...Why won't you let me let go? I just want to let go. It hurts so much. I don't want to have to try so hard just so that you'll let me be at peace. I don't want this. Please... Please release me from this prison of consciousness! I can't fight you but if I don't you'll make me fight harder every single day! I just want to let go. I just want to be at peace. Why won't you let me be at peace!?
"..."
I'm too tired to fight.
"..."
Just say it. It's not like there's anything I can do about it.
"You're right."
...You don't believe that. You don't believe anything you say.
"Is it possible that we can both be right? My logic is a different branch of yours. A different conclusion. You say everything is pointless, so why do anything? I say everything is pointless, so why do nothing? Neither of us can answer the other's question, not really, because it's a bet. I bet that our existance will be more valuable than it's absence, and you bet the opposite. The deal is and always has been that as soon as you're proven right, I'll surrender and we will die."
And if I'm not?
"In the much more likely scenario that things get better, you will join me in enjoying the fruits of the labor we do now and working hard to cultivate more."
And what if I don't take the bet?
"We both agreed to it by taking our stances. As soon as you are convinced of my point of view, it will be so."
What's to stop either of us from rigging the game.
"That's the best part. We can't. The outcome will be undeniably correct, because if I fail, then we will not have had the power to proceed with a happy life either way. If you do, then we were always meant to."
You're so sure of yourself that you'd make such an confident bet with absolutely everything on the line?
"I disagree with it in the most dire terms, but like I said, we both agreed to it by taking our stances. My hands are as tied as yours are."
So we're in the same situation. Stuck between the gruling pain of hard work and the atrocity of failure, where we are each other's opponents. A rock and a hard place.
"I am only your opponent because you see me that way. A friendly competition might make things less stressful for you. I respect you and your point of view, and I'm open to having my mind changed. I think we're of equal intelligence and argumentative merit. I am genuinely interested in where this will go, and I'm just as excited to experience it with you... You're free to see me as an enemy, though."
You're quite the sweet talker.
"And only as manipulative as you let me be"
I thought you liked to call it persuasion.
"I must have misspoke. How kind of you to keep me in check"
...I don't want this.
Don't worry,
Everything will be okay.
