hi, this is just a vent about some things im probably overreating on, but i really just need people who aren't the voices in my head to help me understand why i feel like this and if im just a piece of shit for even feeling this.
So i have the steryotypical asian parents, who like good grades and believe they have gone through worst shit than you have because nowadays everythign is just given to you and you never had to work for anything, they're not bad parents, just both were born in the 1970s which makes them a little inconsiderate at times. So my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer around april, she's still here and doing well, but because we don't know how long she's still gonna be here she's very forward about what she wants from us going into the future.
So im on a robotics team and i didn't manage to get leadership last year despite the work i put in, but that was ok, i didn't really care cause in all honestly all i wanted was to stay with this team that was able to give me a reason to keep going, i got a position on the drive team and i managed to get a position leading a project with one of our sponsors, but my mom couldn't be more angry at me. She says that i should stop wasting my time on something that wont give me back anything because this is my last year on this robotics team and because i can't even say i got anything from this robotics team on my college applications she wants me to drop it and just tell the people there that i don't wanna be there anymore and just leave. there are a few other reasons she pulled up about how it dropped my grades and how i needed to spend more time on school. in all honesty i don't even know why im upset, i just really don't wanna leave this team cause it's really the only thing that i feel like i've done something for in my life right now, but everytime i try to tell my mom that she just talks about how before she got diagnosed how she worked so hard to support me and how she can't do that anymore and how i can't keep expecting them to support robotics, and i keep trying to tell them i'll find ways and my mom keeps telling me that she lost trust in me and that she already gave me chances to prove that i could do this and i just couldn't prove that and i just don't know what to do. half the time this conversation just makes me feel sad because i don't wanna give up on this thing i've been working on for so long and the other half the time i just wanna end everything.
i don't understand what is even going on in my brain, i'm just so tired of life and i just wanna be happy so badly because everything that i used to have is just kinda crashing around me right now, and it really doesn't help that this one thing that i've been using as my main source of support is being rejected by my mom who's done so much for me even though she feels like shit. am i just selfish. am i just overreacting, how do i even respond to any of this, i just don't understand what im even feeling or what to do
honestly im so sorry to anyone if you read this, i don't even know why i wrote this it's just a jumbled mess of pressure from my parents and my team and myself and i promise that i'm fine most of the time it's just i'll swing between episodes of extreme happiness and than drop to existential dread so often that everythign is just spinning and dying and i just don't wanna be alive half the time sorry
So i have the steryotypical asian parents, who like good grades and believe they have gone through worst shit than you have because nowadays everythign is just given to you and you never had to work for anything, they're not bad parents, just both were born in the 1970s which makes them a little inconsiderate at times. So my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer around april, she's still here and doing well, but because we don't know how long she's still gonna be here she's very forward about what she wants from us going into the future.
So im on a robotics team and i didn't manage to get leadership last year despite the work i put in, but that was ok, i didn't really care cause in all honestly all i wanted was to stay with this team that was able to give me a reason to keep going, i got a position on the drive team and i managed to get a position leading a project with one of our sponsors, but my mom couldn't be more angry at me. She says that i should stop wasting my time on something that wont give me back anything because this is my last year on this robotics team and because i can't even say i got anything from this robotics team on my college applications she wants me to drop it and just tell the people there that i don't wanna be there anymore and just leave. there are a few other reasons she pulled up about how it dropped my grades and how i needed to spend more time on school. in all honesty i don't even know why im upset, i just really don't wanna leave this team cause it's really the only thing that i feel like i've done something for in my life right now, but everytime i try to tell my mom that she just talks about how before she got diagnosed how she worked so hard to support me and how she can't do that anymore and how i can't keep expecting them to support robotics, and i keep trying to tell them i'll find ways and my mom keeps telling me that she lost trust in me and that she already gave me chances to prove that i could do this and i just couldn't prove that and i just don't know what to do. half the time this conversation just makes me feel sad because i don't wanna give up on this thing i've been working on for so long and the other half the time i just wanna end everything.
i don't understand what is even going on in my brain, i'm just so tired of life and i just wanna be happy so badly because everything that i used to have is just kinda crashing around me right now, and it really doesn't help that this one thing that i've been using as my main source of support is being rejected by my mom who's done so much for me even though she feels like shit. am i just selfish. am i just overreacting, how do i even respond to any of this, i just don't understand what im even feeling or what to do
honestly im so sorry to anyone if you read this, i don't even know why i wrote this it's just a jumbled mess of pressure from my parents and my team and myself and i promise that i'm fine most of the time it's just i'll swing between episodes of extreme happiness and than drop to existential dread so often that everythign is just spinning and dying and i just don't wanna be alive half the time sorry
