SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
I feel. Weird. Horrible.
I keep dry heaving. I feel like I have to, but I haven't eaten today. I've been purging when I'm sad, even when my stomach is empty, so it could be related. It's a new shitty coping mechanism surfacing I guess. The good ones weren't working, and I wouldn't let myself SH or abuse substances, so something else formed to help instead. Alongside that is more severe dissociation. Losing time more. Not recognizing myself. Not feeling connected. Staring at my hands and wondering whose they are. If I look at them now they aren't mine. So I can't look at them too closely.
I walk around in circles and pull on my hair and cry and gasp and my mouth says "I can't do this anymore" on repeat even though I don't remember thinking it, even though I'm not sure I'm thinking at all, I'm not even sure I'm there but I'm talking and sobbing and hitting myself and pulling on my hair until finally it all goes away and I feel nothing but empty. Then my stomach starts to get upset. Then I keep a bucket near by because even though my stomach is empty maybe I'll puke, or maybe I'll stick my fingers down my throat so I can just get it over with.
These all feel like new symptoms. I don't think I've ever felt this disconnected. I know for a fact I never used to purge, I tried to but never was able to, and now I can and now when I'm sad I just want everything out of me I need to puke everything up because maybe I will feel better for it after. I'm kind of scared of everything I've been feeling. Going to bed is terrifying but being upstairs when everyone has gone to sleep is worse, so when everyone else goes to bed I do too. Then everything gets worse, then everything closes in, then I either feel more disconnected than ever or I cry till I can't stay awake anymore.
I've been forcing myself to sleep for at least 12 hours, I'm exhausted if I sleep for less anyway, but when I'm asleep I don't hurt anymore. I still can't believe I meant so little to him, that he threw me away like nothing, that he cheated on me like I was worthless, like the years we spent together and the engagement and the life plans we had were meaningless. That he'd rather go off with a stranger than have sex with me. That even though I asked, and offered, and tried to talk about what he liked, he didn't want to spend the time doing that with me. That I would go out of my comfort zone for him meant nothing. I want to scream. I was worthless to him. I thought I had something worth living for, I thought I had something worth fighting for, and he took the time to stab me in the back one last time before leaving. All the other pain he caused me wasn't enough, he just had to do the worst. His ex cheated on him, he knew what it was like, and he did it anyway. I never mattered to him.
I'm really not sure how to keep going, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to recover and feel happy again. Everything has been crumbling. The past 14 months of my life have been hell, the past 2 have been even worse. I've tried to ctb more times in the past month than I had in the 7 years before that. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like an annoyance to everyone around me, I'm just sad and mopey all the time, who wants to be around that. This summer was supposed to be good, I had so many plans. I was going to get my shit together, do the things I had put off for years, get a job so that me and him could move out together.
Nothing works out. In the end it all goes to shit. You can't expect anyone to actually give a shit, I've learned that they'll leave as soon as things get hard. No one will really put in the effort needed if it inconveniences them. I'm so tired of being in this shit hole, my symptoms worsening, nothing getting better. Winter is going to be so much worse, if I feel this bad now then once it's October or November I'll be surprised if I'm still here by the end of the year. Nothing gets better even when I try, and I'm so tired of trying and things just getting worse despite everything I do to make it better.
I keep dry heaving. I feel like I have to, but I haven't eaten today. I've been purging when I'm sad, even when my stomach is empty, so it could be related. It's a new shitty coping mechanism surfacing I guess. The good ones weren't working, and I wouldn't let myself SH or abuse substances, so something else formed to help instead. Alongside that is more severe dissociation. Losing time more. Not recognizing myself. Not feeling connected. Staring at my hands and wondering whose they are. If I look at them now they aren't mine. So I can't look at them too closely.
I walk around in circles and pull on my hair and cry and gasp and my mouth says "I can't do this anymore" on repeat even though I don't remember thinking it, even though I'm not sure I'm thinking at all, I'm not even sure I'm there but I'm talking and sobbing and hitting myself and pulling on my hair until finally it all goes away and I feel nothing but empty. Then my stomach starts to get upset. Then I keep a bucket near by because even though my stomach is empty maybe I'll puke, or maybe I'll stick my fingers down my throat so I can just get it over with.
These all feel like new symptoms. I don't think I've ever felt this disconnected. I know for a fact I never used to purge, I tried to but never was able to, and now I can and now when I'm sad I just want everything out of me I need to puke everything up because maybe I will feel better for it after. I'm kind of scared of everything I've been feeling. Going to bed is terrifying but being upstairs when everyone has gone to sleep is worse, so when everyone else goes to bed I do too. Then everything gets worse, then everything closes in, then I either feel more disconnected than ever or I cry till I can't stay awake anymore.
I've been forcing myself to sleep for at least 12 hours, I'm exhausted if I sleep for less anyway, but when I'm asleep I don't hurt anymore. I still can't believe I meant so little to him, that he threw me away like nothing, that he cheated on me like I was worthless, like the years we spent together and the engagement and the life plans we had were meaningless. That he'd rather go off with a stranger than have sex with me. That even though I asked, and offered, and tried to talk about what he liked, he didn't want to spend the time doing that with me. That I would go out of my comfort zone for him meant nothing. I want to scream. I was worthless to him. I thought I had something worth living for, I thought I had something worth fighting for, and he took the time to stab me in the back one last time before leaving. All the other pain he caused me wasn't enough, he just had to do the worst. His ex cheated on him, he knew what it was like, and he did it anyway. I never mattered to him.
I'm really not sure how to keep going, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to recover and feel happy again. Everything has been crumbling. The past 14 months of my life have been hell, the past 2 have been even worse. I've tried to ctb more times in the past month than I had in the 7 years before that. Everything hurts all the time. I feel like an annoyance to everyone around me, I'm just sad and mopey all the time, who wants to be around that. This summer was supposed to be good, I had so many plans. I was going to get my shit together, do the things I had put off for years, get a job so that me and him could move out together.
Nothing works out. In the end it all goes to shit. You can't expect anyone to actually give a shit, I've learned that they'll leave as soon as things get hard. No one will really put in the effort needed if it inconveniences them. I'm so tired of being in this shit hole, my symptoms worsening, nothing getting better. Winter is going to be so much worse, if I feel this bad now then once it's October or November I'll be surprised if I'm still here by the end of the year. Nothing gets better even when I try, and I'm so tired of trying and things just getting worse despite everything I do to make it better.
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