CowardKnight
Member
- Feb 12, 2025
- 18
I swear I'm trying, but holy shit this is so hard.
I'm really tired to go into details right now, but basically I've been living in isolation for years since I graduated from high school. I've been doing absolutely nothing with my life, I have no friends and my social skills are shit, I neglected my health in general, my teeth are shit cuz I neglected them, I'm also dealing with other shit on my body that could leave me disabled. FUCK.
My parents want me to get a job, go to college or something or they'll actually start considering kicking me out. Shit, they already want to kick out my brother (although he's in a better position than me, so I don't think it'll be as difficult for him). I don't know how I'll do any of those things when it's so hard for me to even brush my teeth. What a fucking failure I am.
People my age are going to college, LIVING A LIFE, A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE, and here I am, trying to learn how to get into the habit of AT LEAST brushing my fucking teeth and eating correctly. It feels so humiliating.
Earlier this year I reconnected with some friends I had in school through discord, and holy shit, all of that meetup was just a reminder of the failure that I am. All of them were in college, LIVING THEIR LIVES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. They had friends, even partners, y'know, that stuff. At some point one of them suggested we meet up in real life again. No. No, nope. I can't. After that, I just ghosted them. I can't with the shame.
I hate myself so much. Everyday I wonder how my life could've been if I took other decisions. If I wasn't a coward. Now I'm paying the consequences. I fucking hate myself. Fuck myself.
AND, as I mentioned in the title, here's the cherry on top, I'm gay :) I'm a fucking homosexual, yay. As if my problems weren't enough. Now, although I don't live in a country that considers me ilegal (hell, gay marriage is legal here), discrimination still exists and of course is very present. I'm constantly being discriminated, by fucking everyone. At school I got a lot of bullying for it. Sometimes people at stores and stuff don't want me there and these fuckers make sure to make things difficult for me. Yknow, they refuse to help me, sell me anything, yknow, do their goddamn job. It also happens even with doctors, and this last part is scary as shit because I constantly have to go to the doctor, so I'm scared they'll harm me.
Although I guess it's because I have several feminine mannerisms and my voice is also very feminine. So I'm trying to change that, but man, this is so fucking difficult. I've had those mannerisms all of my life. Trying to change them is basically re-learing how to act like a human being. I have to pay attention to every single fucking thing, how I sit, how I move my legs, my hands, how I move my head, HOW I WALK, HOW I MOVE MY FACE, HOW I MOVE EVERY FUCKING PART OF MY BODY. ANY SLIP AND PEOPLE WILL INSTANTLY ASSUME I'M GAY. IT'S JUST AMAZING.
AND IT ALSO DOESN'T HELP THE FACT THAT I'M SHORT, FUCK. I've got some people say to me that I look 13 years old, or just straight said to me that I look like a twink.
The worst part is that sometimes I forget and oops, these stupid mannerisms are back, that fucking voice is back. Also, if I'm honest, I'm not only trying to change these mannerisms so people don't discriminate me, but also for myself. I don't know, but I've been starting to hate this part of myself. I liked looking a bit feminine before but now I'm sick of it.
And now here's a beautiful fact, ❤my country has an alarming high rate of LGBT murders❤ and not only that! A FUCKING YEAR AGO, SOMEONE, SOMEONE I MET, SOMEONE WHO WAS ALSO GAY, WAS. FUCKING. MURDERED. AND YKNOW WHAT ELSE? HE LIVED IN THE SAME FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD AS ME. HE LIVED SO FUCKING NEAR TO MY HOUSE. I MET HIM. I TALKED WITH HIM. HE WAS A NICE PERSON. HE WAS A FUCKING NICE PERSON, AND HE WAS KILLED.
AND IT DOESN'T ONLY END THERE. THE POLICE AT FIRST DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TAKE HIS CASE JUST BECAUSE HE WAS GAY. Now, fortunately, after some time, someone took his case, and they were able to find the people who killed him. Okay... good. BUT THAT DOESN'T CALM ME DOWN EVEN A BIT, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Everyday I live constantly in fear. Fear of what awaits for me in the future, fear of what can happen, fear of what people will do to me. Everyday I'm so anxious I feel like throwing up. EVERY FUCKING DAY FEELS LIKE A HORROR GAME. IT FUCKING SUCKS THAT MY LIFE IS LIKE THIS, IT SUCKS THAT MY HEALTH IS LIKE THIS, IT SUCKS THAT I WASTED SEVERAL YEARS OF MY LIFE DOING NOTHING, IT FUCKING SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO EVERY THING I DO IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE SO I DON'T GET KILLED. I CAN'T WITH THIS.
And even if I put in the effort, there's still the possibility of me becoming disabled because of what I mentioned at the start, AND SHIT, I don't think I'll be ever happy in life.
I want to die. Seriously, if I could die right now I'll gladly take it. I want to attempt so badly, but I'm scared of failing and ending up disabled. I know I already have that possibility even if I don't attempt but FUCK, I DON'T KNOW.
But also y'know what?, I don't want to give myself such a easy exit. No. I need to fucking suffer. I need to pay for the consequences. And the best way to do it is to force myself to solve this mess of a life and do something with what I have left. I'm scared? fucking yes, but this is my punishment. I deserve it. I fucking deserve anything bad that happens to me. I don't deserve to be happy.
End of rant.
I'm really tired to go into details right now, but basically I've been living in isolation for years since I graduated from high school. I've been doing absolutely nothing with my life, I have no friends and my social skills are shit, I neglected my health in general, my teeth are shit cuz I neglected them, I'm also dealing with other shit on my body that could leave me disabled. FUCK.
My parents want me to get a job, go to college or something or they'll actually start considering kicking me out. Shit, they already want to kick out my brother (although he's in a better position than me, so I don't think it'll be as difficult for him). I don't know how I'll do any of those things when it's so hard for me to even brush my teeth. What a fucking failure I am.
People my age are going to college, LIVING A LIFE, A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE, and here I am, trying to learn how to get into the habit of AT LEAST brushing my fucking teeth and eating correctly. It feels so humiliating.
Earlier this year I reconnected with some friends I had in school through discord, and holy shit, all of that meetup was just a reminder of the failure that I am. All of them were in college, LIVING THEIR LIVES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. They had friends, even partners, y'know, that stuff. At some point one of them suggested we meet up in real life again. No. No, nope. I can't. After that, I just ghosted them. I can't with the shame.
I hate myself so much. Everyday I wonder how my life could've been if I took other decisions. If I wasn't a coward. Now I'm paying the consequences. I fucking hate myself. Fuck myself.
AND, as I mentioned in the title, here's the cherry on top, I'm gay :) I'm a fucking homosexual, yay. As if my problems weren't enough. Now, although I don't live in a country that considers me ilegal (hell, gay marriage is legal here), discrimination still exists and of course is very present. I'm constantly being discriminated, by fucking everyone. At school I got a lot of bullying for it. Sometimes people at stores and stuff don't want me there and these fuckers make sure to make things difficult for me. Yknow, they refuse to help me, sell me anything, yknow, do their goddamn job. It also happens even with doctors, and this last part is scary as shit because I constantly have to go to the doctor, so I'm scared they'll harm me.
Although I guess it's because I have several feminine mannerisms and my voice is also very feminine. So I'm trying to change that, but man, this is so fucking difficult. I've had those mannerisms all of my life. Trying to change them is basically re-learing how to act like a human being. I have to pay attention to every single fucking thing, how I sit, how I move my legs, my hands, how I move my head, HOW I WALK, HOW I MOVE MY FACE, HOW I MOVE EVERY FUCKING PART OF MY BODY. ANY SLIP AND PEOPLE WILL INSTANTLY ASSUME I'M GAY. IT'S JUST AMAZING.
AND IT ALSO DOESN'T HELP THE FACT THAT I'M SHORT, FUCK. I've got some people say to me that I look 13 years old, or just straight said to me that I look like a twink.
The worst part is that sometimes I forget and oops, these stupid mannerisms are back, that fucking voice is back. Also, if I'm honest, I'm not only trying to change these mannerisms so people don't discriminate me, but also for myself. I don't know, but I've been starting to hate this part of myself. I liked looking a bit feminine before but now I'm sick of it.
And now here's a beautiful fact, ❤my country has an alarming high rate of LGBT murders❤ and not only that! A FUCKING YEAR AGO, SOMEONE, SOMEONE I MET, SOMEONE WHO WAS ALSO GAY, WAS. FUCKING. MURDERED. AND YKNOW WHAT ELSE? HE LIVED IN THE SAME FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD AS ME. HE LIVED SO FUCKING NEAR TO MY HOUSE. I MET HIM. I TALKED WITH HIM. HE WAS A NICE PERSON. HE WAS A FUCKING NICE PERSON, AND HE WAS KILLED.
AND IT DOESN'T ONLY END THERE. THE POLICE AT FIRST DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TAKE HIS CASE JUST BECAUSE HE WAS GAY. Now, fortunately, after some time, someone took his case, and they were able to find the people who killed him. Okay... good. BUT THAT DOESN'T CALM ME DOWN EVEN A BIT, HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Everyday I live constantly in fear. Fear of what awaits for me in the future, fear of what can happen, fear of what people will do to me. Everyday I'm so anxious I feel like throwing up. EVERY FUCKING DAY FEELS LIKE A HORROR GAME. IT FUCKING SUCKS THAT MY LIFE IS LIKE THIS, IT SUCKS THAT MY HEALTH IS LIKE THIS, IT SUCKS THAT I WASTED SEVERAL YEARS OF MY LIFE DOING NOTHING, IT FUCKING SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO EVERY THING I DO IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE SO I DON'T GET KILLED. I CAN'T WITH THIS.
And even if I put in the effort, there's still the possibility of me becoming disabled because of what I mentioned at the start, AND SHIT, I don't think I'll be ever happy in life.
I want to die. Seriously, if I could die right now I'll gladly take it. I want to attempt so badly, but I'm scared of failing and ending up disabled. I know I already have that possibility even if I don't attempt but FUCK, I DON'T KNOW.
But also y'know what?, I don't want to give myself such a easy exit. No. I need to fucking suffer. I need to pay for the consequences. And the best way to do it is to force myself to solve this mess of a life and do something with what I have left. I'm scared? fucking yes, but this is my punishment. I deserve it. I fucking deserve anything bad that happens to me. I don't deserve to be happy.
End of rant.
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