lonely&trapped.
I rather would be just a face in a crowd
- Mar 22, 2024
- 29
This is going to be a massively long post, because I want to get down every last detail about my life that is plaguing my mind. In doing so I hope I can find some resolution when I finally CTB next month.
This type of post is difficult for me to write, because its hard to pin down when exactly my life went downhill.
I feel ungrateful, because largely I had a pretty good childhood (kind of. Also, yes this post is going to be so long I'm going to categorize my thoughts into chapters here, so I hope you better like reading).
I guess the first seeds were planted in how I was disciplined as a kid. I grew up being seen as 'overly sensitive' as a kid because the main form of discipline by my parental figures (specifically by my mom and grandmother) was to yell at me; and they did that a lot, because it was what they relied on everytime I did something wrong.
Overtime, I developed a massive fear of rejection and low-self esteem. Whenever people expressed dissaproval to me I'd often cry. My mom never really stopped yelling at me until I turned 18-19, but she still relied on emotional abuse, mental berrating and criticizing me when she could. I know she did this 'to help me', because I guess was so unselfaware and stupid I had to be told. Of course, she'd get pissed at me when I'd get sad about it because it would affect me deeply and I felt like it reflected negative stereotypes on me so to speak, because I'm autistic (yes this is my own fault, but I was very self concious about my autism and how that painted people's perception of me). I know she was just trying to help me, but considering she'd rarely ever compliment me or support me mentally, the criticism would just hurt even worse.
Like I just mentioned, I was diagnosed with being on the spectrum as a kid. When kids are really young, at that point that fact didn't really matter yet; really young kids are non-judgemental because they haven't developed that sense of cynicysm and judgement yet. My autism only became really apparent as I grew older and advanced up the grades. My friends I grew up with in catholic school (much smaller and more tight knit group of kids you are with) they started to reject me and started to ignore me. They made passing negative comments about me that made me self concious, one girl I knew would say to me "have you learned to stop crying so much?", and my crush that I liked at the time would say "hes scaring me" if my friend's egged me on to overreact to something they told me.
The yelling never stopped there either. I was bullied and yelled at by numerous teachers throughout my early life. If my friends were ignoring me, my teachers would make me feel bad. I remember this specific time I called one of my only friends a "silly goose". To my child brain, I didn't know the word meant a "stupid idiot". Obviously, my friend told on me and I got mentally berrated and yelled at really loudly by my teacher; infront of my other classmates no less. I don't know why I called him that; maybe I overheard someone else say it, I was like 9 or 10.
Moving on, in the 6th and 7th grade, my mom took me out of my old school and put me into a new one in elementary (so I can have 'better education in a better school'). I was the new kid. Because I was socially a stupid weirdo, nobody liked me. I had no friends. Most of the time I'd spend recess walking around, moping by myself and thinking about why no one liked me. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I was too weird and socially awkward. I started to become more self aware of my autism and that I was different: I wasn't normal. It impacted my self-esteem and my self worth a lot as a kid; it still does to this day.
As young as 12 years old I started developing very early signs of depression; specifically anhedonia. I felt helpess and couldn't figure out why I felt this way; I was still basically a child, and I already felt even at that age that the optimism and wonder I always felt was slowly being drained away from my spirit. I eventually got a therapist when I was 15 until I eventually stopped seeing them (which I'll get into later).
So, back in elementary I was obviously a lonely child; and I was a latchkey kid as well, so I was usually home alone for most of the day. This was much of the same in high school and middle school. Because of this, I did what any lonely kid does in the early 2000s; I recluded into the internet, and I'd often spend my time on yahoo answers looking for attention because nobody else would give it to me in my real life. Yes; I was pathetic and embarrassing as a child, but thats what is to be expected I guess.
This attention seeking reared its ugly head at a certain point. When I was younger, at some point me and my brother wanted a dog. Of course, our family was always busy so we didn't have the proper life style to take care of a dog, but we got one anyway. Predictably, me being the dumb kid that I was; I tried to get sympathy points for it by telling about it on yahoo answers because my mom was an animal abuser; and anytime I tried to tell her what she was doing was wrong would end up with us breaking out into having arguments (with her telling me im wrong and that she is right and "that she knows more about how to take care of animals then I do"). She often yelled at and hit our dog, our dog really only spent her days cooped up in the kitchen because me and my siblings were at school, and my parents were always working. I was the only one that ever came home after school (my brother and sister were usually always out doing their own thing, if they were home they ignored the pets generally). The dog became my sole responsibility because my brother didn't care, and I had a bunch of angry pet owners calling me scum of the earth on an internet forum. It affected my mental health negatively for years, and gave me a lot of internal guilt and mental baggage; and yes, I wasn't perfect of course. Thus, which is why I tried to do something about it (I felt inherently hypocritical for condemning my family but me also not doing anything to fix the problem). Regardless, I still always felt like I was a bad person. For a couple of years, I self sabotaged my own happiness a lot because I felt like I didn't deserve it as long as my pets were suffering and I couldn't solve the problem.
In retrospect, I made that post because I had none of my own real independence; I felt like I had no control over my life as a kid, and obviously I did not have the income my parents had to give the pets a better quality of life (and anytime I suggested a trainer for our dog in a relevant conversation, she would say my dog "was a lost cause").
In a poorly worded way, what I was trying to do was ask for help in that post, but I guess I didn't deserve it. All I could do to get her out of the house was walking her daily, which I did, but not until I was 17 because I was meek and non-confrontational. My parents wouldn't let me out of the house because they felt like I was too dumb to not simply look both ways for cars and not get run over. I could've objected and did it anyway when I was younger; but I didn't want to rebel against my parents now did I? Because with the history I previously established, you should understand I was terrified of them; specifically my mother.
Eventually, my sister would get another dog for herself sometime in 2018, and eventually continue to neglect that dog too. So, I was taking care of both pets at some point plus my cat and also trying to worry about school, while my siblings were out with friends and living their lives. With me, I had to focus on much more responsibility then anybody had thought I was; which I put upon myself because I felt like I had to, even when my parents told me not to worry about the dogs. On top of that, I had to do the house chores and keep my mom from popping a vein everyday.
That is not the end of it, either. During this time, I was in high school. Things would only get worse from here, and my mental health would continue to plummet well into college.
Like I talked about before; if you have cared enough to read this far (which I don't blame anyone if they stopped reading at this point) I had no friends in high school.
While my male classmates in my video production 'shop' (I went to a vocational high school where specialized classes were called "shops") talked about nothing except mainly about sports; I was a nerd. At that age, I never really grew up out of childish hobbies like watching cartoons and liking video games that weren't seen as normal, and I was very self concious about that (and attributed to the fact I felt like those interests were very autism coded and thusly were negative traits of me to have). On the other hand, I also didn't like the idea of becoming someone I wasn't and pretending to put on this fake mask for people, which sounded mentally exhausting and not fulfilling to me, so I kept to myself in high school.
In the meantime, I was also picking up exercising and desperately trying to improve my self image, because I hated myself and my appearance back in high school. Around this time, I also started developing a bad porn addiction, and naturally it would worsen overtime always being home with nobody really to intervene or tell me what I was doing was fucking my brain up. I also discovered Kiwi Farms at this point as well (which coincidentally has a thread about SaSu as well), which is a drama site that documented the lives of and gossiped about online internet figures. However, as well along with that it had a thread often discussing and hating on autistic people, often dehumanizing them and saying some of the most awful things imaginable a stranger could say about other human beings. This was a thread I often doomscrolled on, and despite these just being random strangers, I still regardless took to heart what they said. I hated myself because I felt like all the negative qualities they talked about applied to me; they were right. This aspect of my life is sadly only my fault, and I continued to listen to what they said. But I did anyway, because my real life experiences painted my perception of myself, and my self esteem was already in the trash to begin with.
I hated myself inside and out. I was short, ugly, had bad acne and I was a quiet kid; so I always gave off this air to people that I was weird and a person nobody wanted to be around; a kid in high school said I looked like a school shooter. My hair was always greasy because I guess I was too stupid and never washed it right. One of the worst memories I ever had was my mom criticising me that I stunk because my clothes always had a bad smell clinging to them; probably because I only ever worked out in my room, and I was always bloated and gassy as a kid because I was always overeating so I could desperately gain muscle and improve my body that I hated, but I was too stupid and noseblind to notice that I was a smelly, unkempt, unselfaware autistic sped to everyone around me. I was always tired everyday because I'd stay up sleepless nights with racing thoughts and guilt.
When I turned 18, I discovered the whole femboy fad thing that was starting to get attention online. I really wanted to be a femboy, but I knew I was ugly; I barely even took good care of myself, and even despite my efforts to take better care of myself, it seems like even to my mom that wasn't good enough, let alone her ever actually complimenting me or building me up mentally. I wasn't worthy to be considered normal like everyone else. Obviously because my mom deemed me a dumb smelly weird male, she never supported me wanting to be feminine; and I guess I can't blame her. My sister wasn't very supportive either.
In retrospect, I think I only ever wanted to be a femboy because I wanted to be seen as desired when largely my whole life I've felt rejected outside of the few friends I made (and eventually lost). This desire was also due to hating my toxic masculine traits (I had a lot of self guilt over my gender) that I wanted to do anything to get away from myself as much as possible; to be someone better.
Regardless, it wasn't enough. I passed high school largely an average B student, but as college got harder, my mental health continued to spiral. I failed the placement tests high school was supposed to prepare me for, and third semester onward I started failing my classes. In restrospect, i probably have what is now untreated ADHD and probably some form of hypersexuality (which I also talked about in a previous post: trigger warning: it involved SA when I was young). At some point, my porn addiction got so bad I was consuming loli hentai (drawn porn depicting underage characters), it was bad (I eventually quit cold turkey when I was 18, but the damage still had been done at that point). I hated myself to my core, and that was around the time my suicidal thoughts started developing. My anhedonia was already in full swing in high school, but it only worsened. I didn't deserve happiness. I deserved to suffer for the way I was. This is the reason why I never asked for help or told anybody my problems. I felt like I was such a bad person and I was scared. In 2015, when I was in middle school, I had a chance to turn things around. I had a really nice supportive therapist, but I felt too scared and ashamed to even tell her my problems. I guess that was my fault too. I could of lived a way better life.
All of this to say that all of the bad stuff that happened in my life was largely my fault. Sadly, due to nature or nurture; I couldn't think for myself. I hated myself so much I basically caused my own undoing.
These days, I barely have the motivation to do anything anymore. I wasted all of those years of my life and failed at every dream I ever wanted to accomplish. I do nothing except sleep in bed all day and get up only when I'm hungry and I need to eat something.
I never became the best self I wanted to be.
I never provided the best life for my pets after they died. I could never prove to my mother I could provide them a better life than she could.
I never moved out, got a job or became independent because I was failing at college.
I never learned Spanish like I wanted to, because I was always insecure about it because some people in my family could speak it, but I couldn't. My sister would tease me about pronouncing spanish words "like a white guy". I never proved her wrong. I always wanted to learn spanish just to spite her.
I never even got to explore the world, as I had dreams of doing. I was too mentally ill for that. I couldn't even pass remedial math classes in college.
These days, my sister is everything im not. She was a straight A student in school, she has friends, is popular, and is liked by everyone and is born normal. She already has a boyfriend at 17, and I suppose she has to be at least decently attractive unlike me (and also an actual likeable personality it seems).
I wanted a cute boyfriend when I was young. That never happened either, I was an ugly shut in. I've failed at everything I've ever wanted. I gained feelings for a friend back during the COVID pandemic. I knew him previously, and we always got along. We'd talk on skype everyday, and we talked to each other everyday for two years, he was someone that was a part of my older group of middle school friends I had that I reunited with after they graduated. We continued to keep in touch on discord under quarantine, and I talked with them on discord every night, and we'd hang out in person often too. Even though I was failing at college, those were a few of the only good times in my life. Anyway; I gained feelings for my friend, but he didn't like me back. After I left the friend group over drama, I heard through someone else that he started dating another guy in my friend group; after he previously told me he "didn't like guys that way".
Im 23 now, and that part of my life is gone now. Sometime back in january of 2023, I was up late one night just crying in bed, having a mental breakdown over the sudden realization of how much older I am now, and how many years have passed. While my sister gets to live the typical nice teenager life, she lectures to me about "needing to take life seriously now and start doing adult things/become an adult". I hate it. I didn't really get to experience happiness and all this success when I was her age, and now I have to all of a sudden cut my losses and become a super serious adult now. I don't feel like an adult, I am afraid of growing old and ugly. I feel like im going to die alone. I recently got into an argument with my family, I blew up on my mother because I also developed anger issues a few years prior because I'd bottle up my feelings, along with being emotionally neglected. My parents told me I was ungrateful and delusional. My sister and my mom tell me everything is my fault, and they claim I'm just trying to redirect blame onto them after they asked me what they could've done to help. I guess they never had a single hand in my upbringing whatsoever.
I don't know how to conclude this. I'm thankful if you even read all of that. All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.
Above as else, all I've ever wanted is someone to finally understand my pain, hence why this post is so long. I always felt like my problems never mattered and were simply "first world problems". Is it my fault I never told anyone? I guess so. I guess I deserve to suffer.
All this to say, I just want to finally go in peace. I've suffered enough. I just desperately want to not exist anymore.
Maybe I'll CTB after this post, idk.
Thanks for reading.
This type of post is difficult for me to write, because its hard to pin down when exactly my life went downhill.
I feel ungrateful, because largely I had a pretty good childhood (kind of. Also, yes this post is going to be so long I'm going to categorize my thoughts into chapters here, so I hope you better like reading).
Chapter 1: My Early Life
I guess the first seeds were planted in how I was disciplined as a kid. I grew up being seen as 'overly sensitive' as a kid because the main form of discipline by my parental figures (specifically by my mom and grandmother) was to yell at me; and they did that a lot, because it was what they relied on everytime I did something wrong.
Overtime, I developed a massive fear of rejection and low-self esteem. Whenever people expressed dissaproval to me I'd often cry. My mom never really stopped yelling at me until I turned 18-19, but she still relied on emotional abuse, mental berrating and criticizing me when she could. I know she did this 'to help me', because I guess was so unselfaware and stupid I had to be told. Of course, she'd get pissed at me when I'd get sad about it because it would affect me deeply and I felt like it reflected negative stereotypes on me so to speak, because I'm autistic (yes this is my own fault, but I was very self concious about my autism and how that painted people's perception of me). I know she was just trying to help me, but considering she'd rarely ever compliment me or support me mentally, the criticism would just hurt even worse.
Like I just mentioned, I was diagnosed with being on the spectrum as a kid. When kids are really young, at that point that fact didn't really matter yet; really young kids are non-judgemental because they haven't developed that sense of cynicysm and judgement yet. My autism only became really apparent as I grew older and advanced up the grades. My friends I grew up with in catholic school (much smaller and more tight knit group of kids you are with) they started to reject me and started to ignore me. They made passing negative comments about me that made me self concious, one girl I knew would say to me "have you learned to stop crying so much?", and my crush that I liked at the time would say "hes scaring me" if my friend's egged me on to overreact to something they told me.
The yelling never stopped there either. I was bullied and yelled at by numerous teachers throughout my early life. If my friends were ignoring me, my teachers would make me feel bad. I remember this specific time I called one of my only friends a "silly goose". To my child brain, I didn't know the word meant a "stupid idiot". Obviously, my friend told on me and I got mentally berrated and yelled at really loudly by my teacher; infront of my other classmates no less. I don't know why I called him that; maybe I overheard someone else say it, I was like 9 or 10.
Moving on, in the 6th and 7th grade, my mom took me out of my old school and put me into a new one in elementary (so I can have 'better education in a better school'). I was the new kid. Because I was socially a stupid weirdo, nobody liked me. I had no friends. Most of the time I'd spend recess walking around, moping by myself and thinking about why no one liked me. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I was too weird and socially awkward. I started to become more self aware of my autism and that I was different: I wasn't normal. It impacted my self-esteem and my self worth a lot as a kid; it still does to this day.
As young as 12 years old I started developing very early signs of depression; specifically anhedonia. I felt helpess and couldn't figure out why I felt this way; I was still basically a child, and I already felt even at that age that the optimism and wonder I always felt was slowly being drained away from my spirit. I eventually got a therapist when I was 15 until I eventually stopped seeing them (which I'll get into later).
Chapter 2: Loneliness
So, back in elementary I was obviously a lonely child; and I was a latchkey kid as well, so I was usually home alone for most of the day. This was much of the same in high school and middle school. Because of this, I did what any lonely kid does in the early 2000s; I recluded into the internet, and I'd often spend my time on yahoo answers looking for attention because nobody else would give it to me in my real life. Yes; I was pathetic and embarrassing as a child, but thats what is to be expected I guess.
This attention seeking reared its ugly head at a certain point. When I was younger, at some point me and my brother wanted a dog. Of course, our family was always busy so we didn't have the proper life style to take care of a dog, but we got one anyway. Predictably, me being the dumb kid that I was; I tried to get sympathy points for it by telling about it on yahoo answers because my mom was an animal abuser; and anytime I tried to tell her what she was doing was wrong would end up with us breaking out into having arguments (with her telling me im wrong and that she is right and "that she knows more about how to take care of animals then I do"). She often yelled at and hit our dog, our dog really only spent her days cooped up in the kitchen because me and my siblings were at school, and my parents were always working. I was the only one that ever came home after school (my brother and sister were usually always out doing their own thing, if they were home they ignored the pets generally). The dog became my sole responsibility because my brother didn't care, and I had a bunch of angry pet owners calling me scum of the earth on an internet forum. It affected my mental health negatively for years, and gave me a lot of internal guilt and mental baggage; and yes, I wasn't perfect of course. Thus, which is why I tried to do something about it (I felt inherently hypocritical for condemning my family but me also not doing anything to fix the problem). Regardless, I still always felt like I was a bad person. For a couple of years, I self sabotaged my own happiness a lot because I felt like I didn't deserve it as long as my pets were suffering and I couldn't solve the problem.
In retrospect, I made that post because I had none of my own real independence; I felt like I had no control over my life as a kid, and obviously I did not have the income my parents had to give the pets a better quality of life (and anytime I suggested a trainer for our dog in a relevant conversation, she would say my dog "was a lost cause").
In a poorly worded way, what I was trying to do was ask for help in that post, but I guess I didn't deserve it. All I could do to get her out of the house was walking her daily, which I did, but not until I was 17 because I was meek and non-confrontational. My parents wouldn't let me out of the house because they felt like I was too dumb to not simply look both ways for cars and not get run over. I could've objected and did it anyway when I was younger; but I didn't want to rebel against my parents now did I? Because with the history I previously established, you should understand I was terrified of them; specifically my mother.
Chapter 3: My Later Years, and The Ensuing Downward Spiral
Eventually, my sister would get another dog for herself sometime in 2018, and eventually continue to neglect that dog too. So, I was taking care of both pets at some point plus my cat and also trying to worry about school, while my siblings were out with friends and living their lives. With me, I had to focus on much more responsibility then anybody had thought I was; which I put upon myself because I felt like I had to, even when my parents told me not to worry about the dogs. On top of that, I had to do the house chores and keep my mom from popping a vein everyday.
That is not the end of it, either. During this time, I was in high school. Things would only get worse from here, and my mental health would continue to plummet well into college.
Like I talked about before; if you have cared enough to read this far (which I don't blame anyone if they stopped reading at this point) I had no friends in high school.
While my male classmates in my video production 'shop' (I went to a vocational high school where specialized classes were called "shops") talked about nothing except mainly about sports; I was a nerd. At that age, I never really grew up out of childish hobbies like watching cartoons and liking video games that weren't seen as normal, and I was very self concious about that (and attributed to the fact I felt like those interests were very autism coded and thusly were negative traits of me to have). On the other hand, I also didn't like the idea of becoming someone I wasn't and pretending to put on this fake mask for people, which sounded mentally exhausting and not fulfilling to me, so I kept to myself in high school.
In the meantime, I was also picking up exercising and desperately trying to improve my self image, because I hated myself and my appearance back in high school. Around this time, I also started developing a bad porn addiction, and naturally it would worsen overtime always being home with nobody really to intervene or tell me what I was doing was fucking my brain up. I also discovered Kiwi Farms at this point as well (which coincidentally has a thread about SaSu as well), which is a drama site that documented the lives of and gossiped about online internet figures. However, as well along with that it had a thread often discussing and hating on autistic people, often dehumanizing them and saying some of the most awful things imaginable a stranger could say about other human beings. This was a thread I often doomscrolled on, and despite these just being random strangers, I still regardless took to heart what they said. I hated myself because I felt like all the negative qualities they talked about applied to me; they were right. This aspect of my life is sadly only my fault, and I continued to listen to what they said. But I did anyway, because my real life experiences painted my perception of myself, and my self esteem was already in the trash to begin with.
I hated myself inside and out. I was short, ugly, had bad acne and I was a quiet kid; so I always gave off this air to people that I was weird and a person nobody wanted to be around; a kid in high school said I looked like a school shooter. My hair was always greasy because I guess I was too stupid and never washed it right. One of the worst memories I ever had was my mom criticising me that I stunk because my clothes always had a bad smell clinging to them; probably because I only ever worked out in my room, and I was always bloated and gassy as a kid because I was always overeating so I could desperately gain muscle and improve my body that I hated, but I was too stupid and noseblind to notice that I was a smelly, unkempt, unselfaware autistic sped to everyone around me. I was always tired everyday because I'd stay up sleepless nights with racing thoughts and guilt.
When I turned 18, I discovered the whole femboy fad thing that was starting to get attention online. I really wanted to be a femboy, but I knew I was ugly; I barely even took good care of myself, and even despite my efforts to take better care of myself, it seems like even to my mom that wasn't good enough, let alone her ever actually complimenting me or building me up mentally. I wasn't worthy to be considered normal like everyone else. Obviously because my mom deemed me a dumb smelly weird male, she never supported me wanting to be feminine; and I guess I can't blame her. My sister wasn't very supportive either.
In retrospect, I think I only ever wanted to be a femboy because I wanted to be seen as desired when largely my whole life I've felt rejected outside of the few friends I made (and eventually lost). This desire was also due to hating my toxic masculine traits (I had a lot of self guilt over my gender) that I wanted to do anything to get away from myself as much as possible; to be someone better.
Regardless, it wasn't enough. I passed high school largely an average B student, but as college got harder, my mental health continued to spiral. I failed the placement tests high school was supposed to prepare me for, and third semester onward I started failing my classes. In restrospect, i probably have what is now untreated ADHD and probably some form of hypersexuality (which I also talked about in a previous post: trigger warning: it involved SA when I was young). At some point, my porn addiction got so bad I was consuming loli hentai (drawn porn depicting underage characters), it was bad (I eventually quit cold turkey when I was 18, but the damage still had been done at that point). I hated myself to my core, and that was around the time my suicidal thoughts started developing. My anhedonia was already in full swing in high school, but it only worsened. I didn't deserve happiness. I deserved to suffer for the way I was. This is the reason why I never asked for help or told anybody my problems. I felt like I was such a bad person and I was scared. In 2015, when I was in middle school, I had a chance to turn things around. I had a really nice supportive therapist, but I felt too scared and ashamed to even tell her my problems. I guess that was my fault too. I could of lived a way better life.
Chapter 5: Current Day, Regrets and An Empty Feeling
All of this to say that all of the bad stuff that happened in my life was largely my fault. Sadly, due to nature or nurture; I couldn't think for myself. I hated myself so much I basically caused my own undoing.
These days, I barely have the motivation to do anything anymore. I wasted all of those years of my life and failed at every dream I ever wanted to accomplish. I do nothing except sleep in bed all day and get up only when I'm hungry and I need to eat something.
I never became the best self I wanted to be.
I never provided the best life for my pets after they died. I could never prove to my mother I could provide them a better life than she could.
I never moved out, got a job or became independent because I was failing at college.
I never learned Spanish like I wanted to, because I was always insecure about it because some people in my family could speak it, but I couldn't. My sister would tease me about pronouncing spanish words "like a white guy". I never proved her wrong. I always wanted to learn spanish just to spite her.
I never even got to explore the world, as I had dreams of doing. I was too mentally ill for that. I couldn't even pass remedial math classes in college.
These days, my sister is everything im not. She was a straight A student in school, she has friends, is popular, and is liked by everyone and is born normal. She already has a boyfriend at 17, and I suppose she has to be at least decently attractive unlike me (and also an actual likeable personality it seems).
I wanted a cute boyfriend when I was young. That never happened either, I was an ugly shut in. I've failed at everything I've ever wanted. I gained feelings for a friend back during the COVID pandemic. I knew him previously, and we always got along. We'd talk on skype everyday, and we talked to each other everyday for two years, he was someone that was a part of my older group of middle school friends I had that I reunited with after they graduated. We continued to keep in touch on discord under quarantine, and I talked with them on discord every night, and we'd hang out in person often too. Even though I was failing at college, those were a few of the only good times in my life. Anyway; I gained feelings for my friend, but he didn't like me back. After I left the friend group over drama, I heard through someone else that he started dating another guy in my friend group; after he previously told me he "didn't like guys that way".
Im 23 now, and that part of my life is gone now. Sometime back in january of 2023, I was up late one night just crying in bed, having a mental breakdown over the sudden realization of how much older I am now, and how many years have passed. While my sister gets to live the typical nice teenager life, she lectures to me about "needing to take life seriously now and start doing adult things/become an adult". I hate it. I didn't really get to experience happiness and all this success when I was her age, and now I have to all of a sudden cut my losses and become a super serious adult now. I don't feel like an adult, I am afraid of growing old and ugly. I feel like im going to die alone. I recently got into an argument with my family, I blew up on my mother because I also developed anger issues a few years prior because I'd bottle up my feelings, along with being emotionally neglected. My parents told me I was ungrateful and delusional. My sister and my mom tell me everything is my fault, and they claim I'm just trying to redirect blame onto them after they asked me what they could've done to help. I guess they never had a single hand in my upbringing whatsoever.
~
I don't know how to conclude this. I'm thankful if you even read all of that. All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.
Above as else, all I've ever wanted is someone to finally understand my pain, hence why this post is so long. I always felt like my problems never mattered and were simply "first world problems". Is it my fault I never told anyone? I guess so. I guess I deserve to suffer.
All this to say, I just want to finally go in peace. I've suffered enough. I just desperately want to not exist anymore.
Maybe I'll CTB after this post, idk.
Thanks for reading.
