OreosAndDeath
Fellow flesh prison
- Oct 27, 2023
- 21
TL;DR: Title (lol)
For the 2 years everything in my life is getting worse. I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD a few years ago and I managed to get it under control. But for the past 2 years it has gotten to the point I can't control it and every time I mention things getting worse to medical professionals they seem to write me off, mainly because of my diagnosis (istg one more telling me to make a cup of tea and calm down will send me insane). It all started when I finally had enough of my abusive and transphobic mother and area of residence. I decided homelessness would be a much more preferable way to live.
I ran away to the city I went to university in and stayed with my then girlfriend, however the stress got to us and we broke up. She was such a angel about it and let me stay with her while she finished her degree, there was nowhere else to sleep so we often had to sleep together which wasn't healthy for either of our mental health. She had to call the police several times because I was a danger to myself and this continued to put a strain on our friendship. It didn't help that my need to feel validated often came out as anger at the world and we would get into massive arguments where I upset her which tore me apart. I ended up feeling like I was going to drag her down with me. Around this time I managed to talk another friend of mine into letting me stay with her sometimes in the hope it would give everyone a break from the charity case.
Unfortunately, this just put strains on both relationships and I thought things would never get worse. It did, I did have a small ray of hope though when I got placed into a shelter after telling the local authority that I couldn't stay with friends anymore. This momentarily improved my relationships, but the loneliness and pain of feeling like a failure was secretly eating me up from the inside. Around this time my physical disability (HMSN and Scoliosis) got worse and left me unable to work. This ended up making me feel hopeless, destined to always be a drain on humanity. I coped by drinking and taking drugs as if it were a national sport. I'm not proud of the things this made me do, I feel a deep shame for the way I treated those around me.
I know now that my ex-girlfriend felt that I was using her and I can't blame her for thinking that as we would get high together and I'd inevitably get her hopes up that we could get back together. I feel awful about it to this day. While this was going on I was sleeping with another one of my friends just so I could feel something... I could have chosen a better person as they both don't like each other but good decision making isn't my forte. I hurt them both during this time over and over again because of my selfish need to feel wanted. Both of them just wanted me to be happy and would sacrifice their happiness to help me feel better.
Eventually my ex-girlfriend stopped talking to me when she overheard me sleeping with my other friend, this made me happy, weirdly as I couldn't keep upsetting her now she was out of my life. However it wouldn't be a me decision if I didn't lash out at her accusing her of stealing money from me because of all the nights we got fucked up together. It got to the point she had to block me on everything and would cross the street if she saw me. I wish I could apologise to her but I'm so terrified of my own brain that I can't because I know I'd fuck things up.
Time passed and things were passable, not good or bad. Until, you guessed it. I fucked up again. I have upset my other friend an untold amount of times but despite me speedrunning red flags she still keeps allowing me in her life. I ended up falling in love with her and I thought this time I'll do things right (Spoiler, I didn't.) For the last 6 months I just kept fucking up, being clingy, needy, overprotective and overbearing. Every time my insecurity comes out I end up harassing her for help and at this point I actively want her to hate me. I'm still unable to work, it has been nearly two years and my life is going nowhere. I have fewer friends, no support network and a deep lust for the sweet release of death.
I don't know why I bother anymore, all I do is cause chaos and upset. When I try to get help I just get fobbed off as seeking attention or being "too much".
I can't break the cycle and I'm sick of being an awful person.
I'm sorry this went on for so long but I'm currently sat on my distant friend's sofa at 1:50am because I got drunk and admitted I want to ctb soon so they wouldn't let me leave as they were worried I was going to jump. If only they knew all I do is search for SN so I can end the misery I cause.
For the 2 years everything in my life is getting worse. I was diagnosed with EUPD/BPD a few years ago and I managed to get it under control. But for the past 2 years it has gotten to the point I can't control it and every time I mention things getting worse to medical professionals they seem to write me off, mainly because of my diagnosis (istg one more telling me to make a cup of tea and calm down will send me insane). It all started when I finally had enough of my abusive and transphobic mother and area of residence. I decided homelessness would be a much more preferable way to live.
I ran away to the city I went to university in and stayed with my then girlfriend, however the stress got to us and we broke up. She was such a angel about it and let me stay with her while she finished her degree, there was nowhere else to sleep so we often had to sleep together which wasn't healthy for either of our mental health. She had to call the police several times because I was a danger to myself and this continued to put a strain on our friendship. It didn't help that my need to feel validated often came out as anger at the world and we would get into massive arguments where I upset her which tore me apart. I ended up feeling like I was going to drag her down with me. Around this time I managed to talk another friend of mine into letting me stay with her sometimes in the hope it would give everyone a break from the charity case.
Unfortunately, this just put strains on both relationships and I thought things would never get worse. It did, I did have a small ray of hope though when I got placed into a shelter after telling the local authority that I couldn't stay with friends anymore. This momentarily improved my relationships, but the loneliness and pain of feeling like a failure was secretly eating me up from the inside. Around this time my physical disability (HMSN and Scoliosis) got worse and left me unable to work. This ended up making me feel hopeless, destined to always be a drain on humanity. I coped by drinking and taking drugs as if it were a national sport. I'm not proud of the things this made me do, I feel a deep shame for the way I treated those around me.
I know now that my ex-girlfriend felt that I was using her and I can't blame her for thinking that as we would get high together and I'd inevitably get her hopes up that we could get back together. I feel awful about it to this day. While this was going on I was sleeping with another one of my friends just so I could feel something... I could have chosen a better person as they both don't like each other but good decision making isn't my forte. I hurt them both during this time over and over again because of my selfish need to feel wanted. Both of them just wanted me to be happy and would sacrifice their happiness to help me feel better.
Eventually my ex-girlfriend stopped talking to me when she overheard me sleeping with my other friend, this made me happy, weirdly as I couldn't keep upsetting her now she was out of my life. However it wouldn't be a me decision if I didn't lash out at her accusing her of stealing money from me because of all the nights we got fucked up together. It got to the point she had to block me on everything and would cross the street if she saw me. I wish I could apologise to her but I'm so terrified of my own brain that I can't because I know I'd fuck things up.
Time passed and things were passable, not good or bad. Until, you guessed it. I fucked up again. I have upset my other friend an untold amount of times but despite me speedrunning red flags she still keeps allowing me in her life. I ended up falling in love with her and I thought this time I'll do things right (Spoiler, I didn't.) For the last 6 months I just kept fucking up, being clingy, needy, overprotective and overbearing. Every time my insecurity comes out I end up harassing her for help and at this point I actively want her to hate me. I'm still unable to work, it has been nearly two years and my life is going nowhere. I have fewer friends, no support network and a deep lust for the sweet release of death.
I don't know why I bother anymore, all I do is cause chaos and upset. When I try to get help I just get fobbed off as seeking attention or being "too much".
I can't break the cycle and I'm sick of being an awful person.
I'm sorry this went on for so long but I'm currently sat on my distant friend's sofa at 1:50am because I got drunk and admitted I want to ctb soon so they wouldn't let me leave as they were worried I was going to jump. If only they knew all I do is search for SN so I can end the misery I cause.
