I've not been around here for a while because things took a massive turn around after my last attempt.
Firstly, I experienced a full night's sleep. Being on class A drugs for 30 years, all I've ever done is dip in and out of sleep for 20 minutes at a time. A real, full night's sleep changed everything. I suddenly felt like I could do anything.
So since then, the mission has been to use everything at my disposal to achieve a full night's sleep without the use of pills.
That means physically and mentally wearing myself out. I've become a council volunteer litter picker which is massively hard work,and tickles my OCD quite nicely (often finding myself still picking litter in the dark). I was swimming three times a week (I mean Lane swimming at the highest level), running half marathons and generally volunteering for anything else I can possibly fit into my calendar.
I'm also reading books to get tips on sleep and using a pair of KOKOON sleep headphones which are £400 but truly worth every penny (I have 3 pairs feel like now).
The maddest thing has happened as a result of all this. I honestly feel like I'm speeding all the time.
I've applied to finish my degree in medical chemistry beginning in September. The finances are a bit worrying, but there's bursaries in place and if there's one thing I'm actually god at, it's talking my way into things like this.
But yesterday I hit the wall.
The lock down hasn't really bothered me. Being immunosuppressed, it's just another day in the world of "don't touch me and please don't talk to me" and wearing masks is a true blessing for me, especially as someone with prosognosia.
My doctors has said that we are to wait patiently and we will be called when it's our turn for a vaccine. But I'm seeing pictures of old people getting their vaccines and I feel like I have just been forgotten about again. I didn't ask them to take my immune system and now they won't even protect me.
I know it sounds terrible, but those 80 year old will be dead soon anyway. How about letting people like me.... younger people who have had their immune system robbed from them.... have a chance at living. I would quite like to see my grandchild... I still have another potential 40 years to contribute to this world. I desperately want to hold my dad before he dies(it's been years).
But no, let's prioritise the people who do nothing but sponge off the state and the travel companies. It feels like such a slap in the face.
A few days ago the nurse from my doctors practice called and asked me to go in for a health check. I said I wasn't comfortable doing that but that I would go down once I had gotten my vaccine. She replied that "that could be some time". That's all I needed to hear.
Yesterday I walked down to this forgotten bit of woodland that I've been clearing in my spare time, just so nobody could hear me crying. I cried all day while wondering around, looking for a good tree to hang myself from. Found the right tree but was so unprepared, I had no rope. So now I'm off to our local everything shop to sort that.
I knew I'd only had 25 minutes sleep the night before, so last night I took some sleeping pills and slept for over 9 hours;not before cutting my arms to bits in an attempt to calm down and stop crying for a minute.
I wondered if I might feel differently after a good night's sleep, but no, I feel no better at all. Nothing has changed. Getting dressed and off to buy my rope.
At least that way I have some control over the way I die, instead of being at the mercy of some beaureacratic nonsense system that prioritises the elderly (who generally have zero to contribute to the community) over someone like me who gives every fibre of their being to helping those around them.
Firstly, I experienced a full night's sleep. Being on class A drugs for 30 years, all I've ever done is dip in and out of sleep for 20 minutes at a time. A real, full night's sleep changed everything. I suddenly felt like I could do anything.
So since then, the mission has been to use everything at my disposal to achieve a full night's sleep without the use of pills.
That means physically and mentally wearing myself out. I've become a council volunteer litter picker which is massively hard work,and tickles my OCD quite nicely (often finding myself still picking litter in the dark). I was swimming three times a week (I mean Lane swimming at the highest level), running half marathons and generally volunteering for anything else I can possibly fit into my calendar.
I'm also reading books to get tips on sleep and using a pair of KOKOON sleep headphones which are £400 but truly worth every penny (I have 3 pairs feel like now).
The maddest thing has happened as a result of all this. I honestly feel like I'm speeding all the time.
I've applied to finish my degree in medical chemistry beginning in September. The finances are a bit worrying, but there's bursaries in place and if there's one thing I'm actually god at, it's talking my way into things like this.
But yesterday I hit the wall.
The lock down hasn't really bothered me. Being immunosuppressed, it's just another day in the world of "don't touch me and please don't talk to me" and wearing masks is a true blessing for me, especially as someone with prosognosia.
My doctors has said that we are to wait patiently and we will be called when it's our turn for a vaccine. But I'm seeing pictures of old people getting their vaccines and I feel like I have just been forgotten about again. I didn't ask them to take my immune system and now they won't even protect me.
I know it sounds terrible, but those 80 year old will be dead soon anyway. How about letting people like me.... younger people who have had their immune system robbed from them.... have a chance at living. I would quite like to see my grandchild... I still have another potential 40 years to contribute to this world. I desperately want to hold my dad before he dies(it's been years).
But no, let's prioritise the people who do nothing but sponge off the state and the travel companies. It feels like such a slap in the face.
A few days ago the nurse from my doctors practice called and asked me to go in for a health check. I said I wasn't comfortable doing that but that I would go down once I had gotten my vaccine. She replied that "that could be some time". That's all I needed to hear.
Yesterday I walked down to this forgotten bit of woodland that I've been clearing in my spare time, just so nobody could hear me crying. I cried all day while wondering around, looking for a good tree to hang myself from. Found the right tree but was so unprepared, I had no rope. So now I'm off to our local everything shop to sort that.
I knew I'd only had 25 minutes sleep the night before, so last night I took some sleeping pills and slept for over 9 hours;not before cutting my arms to bits in an attempt to calm down and stop crying for a minute.
I wondered if I might feel differently after a good night's sleep, but no, I feel no better at all. Nothing has changed. Getting dressed and off to buy my rope.
At least that way I have some control over the way I die, instead of being at the mercy of some beaureacratic nonsense system that prioritises the elderly (who generally have zero to contribute to the community) over someone like me who gives every fibre of their being to helping those around them.
