Venting Everyone here is struggling so...

[Dawgmom]

Please have some respect and courtesy. If someone tries to be helpful, don't jump on them if they miss the mark. Don't not ever follow up or stop PM-ing after someone puts their time and efforts in to providing you with resorces.

It's BS when people complain about wanting help and then don't do anything but complain more about or ignore other people's attempts to give them what they've asked for. Because those people are often hurting too, but they're mustering up for you. Don't jerk them around by wanting help but then finding all kinds of excuses why you can't try them.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I hear your frustration. Hopefully those who may do such things are just unaware, will see your post, and will go forward showing some acknowledgement and appreciation for the efforts made at their requests.

There have been times I've held back from posting on a thread, "Hey, do you see all these responses you got? How about some likes or comments back?" Instead I hang back, and if I see this is their repeated behavior, I accept that's how they are, I ignore them, and I don't make any more effort for them since it's not evident that it's valued. There are some behaviors I call out, not at all saying this shouldn't be called out, it's just one particular behavior I have learned it's personally best for me to move away and move on from, quickly.

Unfortunately, sometimes people say they want help to not do something, get lots of emotional pleas against it, and then do it anyway. It's just a pattern some people have, and I disengage, as eventually does pretty much everyone else around them, and then the person may not get why they always end back up alone, and still have so many problems, if not even more. It's a sad pattern, but I just can't fix that, and it's too draining to hang around. Pity makes me lower my self-protection, I have it for a reason. So I wish the best for them and go back to using my resources where they make a difference, where they get replenished with reciprocity and evidence they are valued and used well.

 

[Dawgmom]

I hear your frustration. Hopefully those who may do such things are just unaware, will see your post, and will go forward showing some acknowledgement and appreciation for the efforts made at their requests.

There have been times I've held back from posting on a thread, "Hey, do you see all these responses you got? How about some likes or comments back?" Instead I hang back, and if I see this is their repeated behavior, I accept that's how they are, I ignore them, and I don't make any more effort for them since it's not evident that it's valued. There are some behaviors I call out, not at all saying this shouldn't be called out, it's just one particular behavior I have learned it's personally best for me to move away and move on from, quickly.

Unfortunately, sometimes people say they want help to not do something, get lots of emotional pleas against it, and then do it anyway. It's just a pattern some people have, and I disengage, as eventually does pretty much everyone else around them, and then the person may not get why they always end back up alone, and still have so many problems, if not even more. It's a sad pattern, but I just can't fix that, and it's too draining to hang around. Pity makes me lower my self-protection, I have it for a reason. So I wish the best for them and go back to using my resources where they make a difference, where they get replenished with reciprocity and evidence they are valued and used well.

I agree with what you've said. And, I especially feel like some people are as you've described. I'm not going to call anyone out (that's just not me) and for sure not offer any more support once I realize they really don't want it.

I don't post much, either, and I often see the kinds of threads you mentioned and avoid commenting. The times I do, it's usually because I can relate and am willing to share and be supportive. Most people are appreciative.

The only reason I started this thread was because I'm hoping people like described will check themselves. I know they'll fade away if they continue to cry wolf instead and yeah, I don't care.

Thanks for chiming in.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Ya know, I even feel a bit of discomfort for having written that last paragraph, like someone will see it and think I'm being passive-aggressive. It's actually based on an old irl experience.

I used to work with a woman who would ask all of us at work for advice, and the consensus was always, No, bad idea. She'd agree and profusely thank everyone, and then do the bad idea. Happened a few times over a few months. Then in the fourth month or so, it escalated to the point that she met a guy, and within two weeks they were talking marriage. Of course she sought advice, of course the consensus was no, and a week later, wedding ring. A month later, tears and misery and talk of divorce and more requests for advice. All of us just gave up and let her do whatever tf she was gonna do anyway. And she truly did not get why we all let her go.

So that's what that comment was about. I see variations of this pattern everywhere in life, this environment is no different.

For me it's always a challenge to point out a pattern for purposes of protection, because someone else who comes across what I've said may see the pattern in themselves and feel attacked or ashamed rather than enlightened -- none of which I sought, I wasn't trying to correct or control or fix them at all.

Good intentions paving roads to unsought and undesirable destinations...sigh.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It can be really hard for posters to accept sometimes, that people who respond aren't capable of giving them the answers they require. People often want to find a magical solution and hope against hope that someone will give it. They have to stick around for a while to realise that this isn't the case and its far more complex. That's kinda what happened to me. Being on here solves nothing for me, but it gives me company and support that I lack in my life. It can help people challenge the way they think, but changing ingrained thinking patterns is really hard because it requires an open mind; exactly the thing that is so often lost when a pattern becomes ingrained.

 

[Soul]

There are also people who ask for advice just to help them understand their options better. The process of asking helps me clarify my feelings.

There are people who want sympathy rather than help, people who feel being courteous and thoughtful never got them anywhere, people who don't quite get that this site isn't an interactive game and people who are simply exhausted.

Hoping to be helpful is perhaps not the best approach. We can try to offer our best anyway, without attaching hope to it.

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted.

 

[Dawgmom]

Ya know, I even feel a bit of discomfort for having written that last paragraph, like someone will see it and think I'm being passive-aggressive. It's actually based on an old irl experience.

I used to work with a woman who would ask all of us at work for advice, and the consensus was always, No, bad idea. She'd agree and profusely thank everyone, and then do the bad idea. Happened a few times over a few months. Then in the fourth month or so, it escalated to the point that she met a guy, and within two weeks they were talking marriage. Of course she sought advice, of course the consensus was no, and a week later, wedding ring. A month later, tears and misery and talk of divorce and more requests for advice. All of us just gave up and let her do whatever tf she was gonna do anyway. And she truly did not get why we all let her go.

So that's what that comment was about. I see variations of this pattern everywhere in life, this environment is no different.

For me it's always a challenge to point out a pattern for purposes of protection, because someone else who comes across what I've said may see the pattern in themselves and feel attacked or ashamed rather than enlightened -- none of which I sought, I wasn't trying to correct or control or fix them at all.

Good intentions paving roads to unsought and undesirable destinations...sigh.

Same here. I've known people who behave the same way - they know the right thing to do but do the opposite and then seek sympathy for poor choices.

I didn't take your statement as passive-aggressive. It read like a healthy observation and truth, to me. So thanks again.

There are also people who ask for advice just to help them understand their options better. The process of asking helps me clarify my feelings.

There are people who want sympathy rather than help, people who feel being courteous and thoughtful never got them anywhere, people who don't quite get that this site isn't an interactive game and people who are simply exhausted.

Hoping to be helpful is perhaps not the best approach. We can try to offer our best anyway, without attaching hope to it.

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted.

You're correct and I understand some people just wanting sympathy. And, I enjoy helping most of the time but not sure if I attach any hope to it. Maybe more expectation than hope, which, I don't think is unrealistic when someone asks for help. I mean, I doubt anyone expects to be blown-off or receive some snotty reply to their effort to be helpful.

To me, it's not that hard to be courteous even when you're having a bad day. At the very least you can always come back to your thread and follow-up. But, I also realize that there are people like you mentioned and unfortunately, they just don't get it and are the same person in real life as they are here.