Venting Everyday CTB comes closer and I can't stand against it anymore

[tobias]

Hello everyone. Long time I don't post here.

I have been suffering from a depression since I was 11 years old. I am 22. My doctor said it's a dysthymia, so it's chronic. I will have to take meds for the rest of my life. And being totally honest, I prefer to die.

I think about dying everyday. Every second. I feel like I am distracting myself from it, so every time I can smile or laugh, one second later the reality hits me and I am back to my depressive thoughts.

Yesterday I broke up with the guy I was dating and he was my only friend. Now I feel alone. I don't have anyone. He was the only person to talk everyday. He knows everything about me and was my best friend. I feel so vulnerable. I can't even get up from my bed.

I hate myself, I hate being alive. Can't afford a gun and I don't have enough courage to kill myself.

I am searching for methods again and I hope to rest in peace soon. Thank you so much for reading. It's good to feel that somebody cares about me anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

There certainly does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this cruel world so it's really understandable just wanting to be free from it all. At least to me there is nothing that comforts me more than the thought of no longer existing and finally being able to rest permanently and I get that it really can be so awful and tiring feeling trapped in an existence that you hate. But anyway I wish you the best.