Every time things get better everything crashes down again even lower

[bFre3]

sometimes I feel better. False hope that maybe I was just overreacting? But you without fail, every single, single, time I feel this, everything just comes crashing back down to crush any inch of hope I had left. It feels as if the universe itself is just telling me to give up at this point? It happened three, four, five, six more more more times not a single exception. And each time it gets worse and worse and worse but I'm so gullible that I think that maybe next time it won't come but it always always does I'm actually going to lose my mind

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

The feeling is relatable. 5 years ago I abruptly became homeless in a completely unfamiliar place after many inpatient hospitalizations for depression and suicidal ideation.

I worked through that situation and got myself out of it. I thought, this was my rock bottom, surely I can only be strong for the rest of my life.

No, a few months ago, after many situations since that homeless period, I attempted ctb. Coming away from that attempt, I was nearly faced with becoming homeless again due to exhausted funds.

I've avoided that by chance, a job came through that I'm pursuing. My mind now is to notice if I start thinking narratively about myself, and get rid of it. I won't let myself be an actor on the stage of some narrative. I will burn down the stage again and again if I have to. I choose meaning, reject it, break it, reform it, but will not be shackled to any ideas about it.

I don't know if this is helpful or not. The saying "the past is not indicative of the future" is a tired statement. My life had felt like 30 years of repeated experiences and evidence that continuing to live, to hope, to desire life to get better, it was all mistaken. If being alive was a constant mistake I was making, when would I learn from my mistakes and do something about it.

I'm not all that different now than I was when I attempted ctb. The core of me is to try and recognize if something is in my control that I want to try to change, to go for it if I want to. Fuck everything that's outside of my control, but I will continue to press the boundaries of where that line of division actually exists, between what is and isn't within my control.

Sorry, I rambled. Hoping the best for you and what you're going through. I can relate to what you're feeling.

Narrative Identity is Existentialist — International Society for the Science of Existential Psychology

By Dan P. McAdams

www.issep.org

 

[kyhoti]

I can relate, for sure. Just when I've gotten un-fucked and it seems like I've gotten my shit together, POOF! Gone. 50 years of this shit, with most of it being my own defective character causing my downfall.

I hope you find the peace you seek.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it really is so dreadful how existing can easily get worse and much more unbearable, I'll always see it as so cruel how there's all this suffering. But anyway I wish you the best, I'm sorry you have to suffer.