Venting Every time I go to a job interview I feel like ctb

[BlueButterfly111]

I feel like they can tell I'm autistic, and I answer the questions the best that I can, but the look on their face says it all. It was a woman and a man and she basically said at the end that if I don't get the job to keep continuing my job search. I feel like she most likely isn't going to hire me, because that's what the last person said that they were going to call me last week and never did.

When I was walking out of the door it was like she had a little smirk on her face. I feel like they were probably going to be laughing about me and talking about how slow and dumb I was after I left. I've experienced that type of bullying and ostracization my whole life, so I could tell what was happening…. I came back to the car and started sobbing, but then I just remembered that I can always ctb and that's the only thing that made me feel better.

I don't know why I'm still alive, I'm trying to find myself help and support, but I have to wait until I get insurance, I need it asap. I told myself that I am going to try hard this year to get help, so I can at least experience some peace and independence in life before I ctb, and if not then I will ctb at the end of this year. But honestly I wouldn't be surprised if nothing ever gets better and honestly would be okay because I don't belong in this world anyways, and I can go be with my dead boyfriend…. :(

 

[Drogon]

It's unbelievable how cruel people can be to others at their most vulnerable points in life and to conditions out of their control .

 

[webb&flow]

that's really fucked up i'm so sorry they were so rude to you.

Maybe it's good that you won't have to answer to such jerks anyway. They would have treated you like trash anyway, had they hired you.

I hope you will find a workplace that RESPECTS and CARES for you: not ridicule and condescend on you. You deserve BETTER!

This is among the worst of humanity and of true scum. I hope you will find truly decent people to work with.

You are MORE than what unctuous people think of you. Jerks will be jerks—whether to the prestigious or the vulnerable. Avoid such people—you are happier without then.

Continue to search for a sane and humane workplace. It's difficult and there are a lot of jerks in the world: but there ARE a good amount of good apples out there. Best of luck in finding bonds and connection with them. I encourage you to do it, we all believe in you ^^

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[serenitydream]

When I was trying to work I didn't understand at first why I would be treated in similar ways to what you described. Then when I realized how society acts towards people with disabilities it made me very sad while also destroying my desire to operate within it.

Even those who seemed to be kind and understanding to me at first also took advantage of me for their personal gain or would do things to me to make me have meltdowns and cry and then laugh at my reactions or make a scene out of the situation and act like they're trying to console me. Also I would hear demeaning comments said about me when they thought I wasn't able to hear it; I heard those things said about another autistic coworker and she was forced into quitting because of the bullying and pressure put on her that was never expected equally of the other coworkers just because they wanted a "legitimate" reason to complain about her. That behavior was one of many workplace experiences that expedited my thoughts of wanting to leave this world.

You seem very resilient to want to keep trying to find help and support for yourself despite what you've been experiencing. I hope that support finds you too and in a form of people who treat you lovingly and with understanding, and I hope you'll get to experience that peace and independence that you want. <3

 

[BlueButterfly111]

that's really fucked up i'm so sorry they were so rude to you.

Maybe it's good that you won't have to answer to such jerks anyway. They would have treated you like trash anyway, had they hired you.

I hope you will find a workplace that RESPECTS and CARES for you: not ridicule and condescend on you. You deserve BETTER!

This is among the worst of humanity and of true scum. I hope you will find truly decent people to work with.

You are MORE than what unctuous people think of you. Jerks will be jerks—whether to the prestigious or the vulnerable. Avoid such people—you are happier without then.

Continue to search for a sane and humane workplace. It's difficult and there are a lot of jerks in the world: but there ARE a good amount of good apples out there. Best of luck in finding bonds and connection with them. I encourage you to do it, we all believe in you ^^

[Hidden content]

That's so true that they would've treated me terribly anyways, it happens at most jobs that I've had. I got lucky with my first job because there was a lot of kind people there at the time, and I was younger so I think they were more patient with me. Then after three years when most people left, and new management started coming, I started being treated terribly again, even by people that were previously nice to me.

I would like to think so, I just hope I can find some type of job that I can do, I would honestly prefer it not to involve people at this point, but I haven't really been lucky with finding any type of job, but I'm trying to just hang in there.

Thank you so much for the kind words and the encouragement!!

When I was trying to work I didn't understand at first why I would be treated in similar ways to what you described. Then when I realized how society acts towards people with disabilities it made me very sad while also destroying my desire to operate within it.

Even those who seemed to be kind and understanding to me at first also took advantage of me for their personal gain or would do things to me to make me have meltdowns and cry and then laugh at my reactions or make a scene out of the situation and act like they're trying to console me. Also I would hear demeaning comments said about me when they thought I wasn't able to hear it; I heard those things said about another autistic coworker and she was forced into quitting because of the bullying and pressure put on her that was never expected equally of the other coworkers just because they wanted a "legitimate" reason to complain about her. That behavior was one of many workplace experiences that expedited my thoughts of wanting to leave this world.

You seem very resilient to want to keep trying to find help and support for yourself despite what you've been experiencing. I hope that support finds you too and in a form of people who treat you lovingly and with understanding, and I hope you'll get to experience that peace and independence that you want. <3

I actually also relate, and I really don't have any desire to operate in society! I just wanted to try to keep a job for a few months so that I can buy a car so that I could maybe do Uber eats or DoorDash, something where I didn't have to work closely with people. What I really wanted is a work from home job, but I also haven't been successful with finding one, and I don't have the money to invest in my own business because I would quickly probably fail and lose the little bit of money that I have saved up.

It seems like the only thing that I can really do at this point is try to get some kind of outside help for a disability. But if that doesn't happen by like late October early November I am giving up. I think the only thing that gives me some kind of drive to do this is wanting to experience independence and freedom before I die, and then the fact that I'm gonna die anyways so I might as well "try" before I do it I guess. But I often don't even know why I continue to do it. I'm always gonna end up ctb unless something physically prevents me from doing it. I just wanted to experience a few more things before I do.

But yeah I can relate to you and I'm sorry about your experiences as well. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here for now, because it sounds like we have similar experiences, and it might actually help me too, but if not I completely understand! Thank you for the kind words!!

 

[AngelBritney]

Often people put other people down because they try to make themselves feel better that way.

"I feel bad so others can't be happy and I have to put them down so they feel bad, too. Then I'll feel good."

Same with bullies. This world is fucked up! She ain't worth the time to think about. We stand behind you. :)