Venting every time I find a logic solid enough to get the actual will to do it, SI hijacks it

[Insomniac]

every time I find a logic solid enough to convince SI to release me from hell, my brain hijacks this very same reasoning and use it to strengthen my will to stay.

it always happens because I can't just set a suicide date and time because then I have to keep my mind distracted long enough to not lose focus on freedom/death.

but my mind always finds a way to hijack my plans and "prove" me that there are x and y solutions to my problems.

but then my problems come back and amplify exponentially, and my will to CTB also amplifies exponentially along with my SI and my problem solving abilities. Everything grows proportionally and I'm just...

suffering. Suffering is the only thing that don't budge. and anxiety. Crippling anxiety is always there simultaneously in the foreground and background of my very being while pleasure is never nowhere to be found.

I am on antidepressants, mood stabilisers and sleeping pills and I still have terrifying nightmares every night...

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb is very difficult after all, as we are all programmed to survive. I think if it was easier to leave I would already be gone. I know what it is like when the suffering never goes away. Living is very painful. I hope you find peace.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I dont think logic is the way to combat SI. I think romanticism is best tool to combat SI. Meaning if you managed to think of it like a Romeo and Juliet story where you are the protagonist and your story dramatically ends with your suicide it will be a much better chances of success than logically psyching yourself up to it. I say this after talking and following many people who successfully did it and that seems to be the best method as far as combatting SI

 

[Insomniac]

I dont think logic is the way to combat SI. I think romanticism is best tool to combat SI. Meaning if you managed to think of it like a Romeo and Juliet story where you are the protagonist and your story dramatically ends with your suicide it will be a much better chances of success than logically psyching yourself up to it. I say this after talking and following many people who successfully did it and that seems to be the best method as far as combatting SI

lol. If I wasn't used to reading your posts, I'd be taking this as an insult/sarcasm x')

 

[Snake of Eden]

lol. If I wasn't used to reading your posts, I'd be taking this as an insult/sarcasm x')

I have a very peculiar way of experiencing the world.

 

[Insomniac]

I have a very peculiar way of experiencing the world.

you sure do have a particular way of expressing yourself haha

 

[D&D]

I dont think logic is the way to combat SI. I think romanticism is best tool to combat SI. Meaning if you managed to think of it like a Romeo and Juliet story where you are the protagonist and your story dramatically ends with your suicide it will be a much better chances of success than logically psyching yourself up to it. I say this after talking and following many people who successfully did it and that seems to be the best method as far as combatting SI

I found that too. Not necessarily 'a Romeo and Juliet story' scenario, but something along the lines of Virginia Wolf's line of knowing the life for what it is and putting it aside as a 'thing' of a beauty equal only to its fragility ... Or as CB's said; 'the words have come and gone ... I sit ill ... waiting to live, waiting to die.' There must be some beauty in it. In death. As in art. It is the closest 'thing' to love. Some call it faith ... by many names. In all cases it necessities ability to let go. Taking hands off the railing and trust the flight. Unreservedly.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Like David Foster Wallace sort of said, the heat inside the building must be so intolerable you have no choice but to leap… I know, for me, the heat is miserable but I'm adapting…
Which makes leaping becomes increasingly difficult…

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I dont think logic is the way to combat SI. I think romanticism is best tool to combat SI. Meaning if you managed to think of it like a Romeo and Juliet story where you are the protagonist and your story dramatically ends with your suicide it will be a much better chances of success than logically psyching yourself up to it. I say this after talking and following many people who successfully did it and that seems to be the best method as far as combatting SI

I agree. That's been a very important part of my own plan.

 

[supermario]

I totally feel you. Unless your method of ctb is completely frictionless and reliable, the mind will come up with all sorts of excuses why it's still better to live than take that chance. If I had N I think I would have done it by now, but every other method seems to leave something to be desired even in the face of a horrible existence.

My end goal now is to acquire N, even though I know the chances are remote to nil.

 

[Insomniac]

I agree. That's been a very important part of my own plan.

I get the idea and I honestly wish I could reach that level of delusion. my mind is completely unable to romanticise anything anymore. I have been stripped of all poetry and sentimentality ever since I entered adulthood. I'm reduced to feeling only anxiety and terror.

the mind will come up with all sorts of excuses why it's still better to live than take that chance.

I had finally gotten over my fear of pain and ending up disabled if I attempted full suspension hanging. then my mind said: " since you understand that ending up a vegetable is worth the risk and not really an issue, I guess you can wait a little before you do it. what's the rush anyway?"

 

[MelancholyMagic]

You are up against three billion years of evolved survival instinct. It is difficult for rationality to overcome the lizard brain. Suicide is truly a herculean task.

 

[Insomniac]

Suicide is truly a herculean task.

and yet like in everything, there are people who are just "naturals". like that bullied 8yo who just hung himself in his basement or that 16yo insta model who just went and shot herself to the fucking head or an avicii who skin himself with a damn glass bottle.

I wish suicide was a talent I had too.

Like David Foster Wallace sort of said, the heat inside the building must be so intolerable you have no choice but to leap… I know, for me, the heat is miserable but I'm adapting…
Which makes leaping becomes increasingly difficult…

a purgatory is worst than any hell.

 

[MelancholyMagic]

I dont think logic is the way to combat SI. I think romanticism is best tool to combat SI. Meaning if you managed to think of it like a Romeo and Juliet story where you are the protagonist and your story dramatically ends with your suicide it will be a much better chances of success than logically psyching yourself up to it. I say this after talking and following many people who successfully did it and that seems to be the best method as far as combatting SI

I am not commenting on whether romanticism is the best way to go - I haven't a clue. I've struggled with how to defeat the lizard brain myself, and have thus far not found a suitable way.
But your reference to Romeo and Juliet reminded me of the opening paragraph of Édouard Levé's book "Suicide". He committed suicide soon after finishing the book, or so wikipedia says. I have not read the entire book (my brain is rotting and it's hard for me to read). But instead of romanticizing, it seems the character in the story just had the method ready to go so he could ctb when he had brief, sudden moments of bravery. Here is the opening paragraph:

One Saturday in the month of August, you leave your home wearing your
tennis gear, accompanied by your wife. In the middle of the garden you
point out to her that you've forgotten your racket in the house. You go back
to look for it, but instead of making your way toward the cupboard in the
entryway where you normally keep it, you head down into the basement.
Your wife doesn't notice this. She stays outside. The weather is fine. She's
making the most of the sun. A few moments later she hears a gunshot. She
rushes into the house, cries out your name, notices that the door to the
stairway leading to the basement is open, goes down, and finds you there.
You've put a bullet in your head with the rifle you had carefully prepared.
On the table, you left a comic book open to a double-page spread. In the
heat of the moment, your wife leans on the table; the book falls closed
before she understands that this was your final message.