Venting Every day is the same.

[fleetingnight]

It's all a blur to me. Everything hurts, I'm either wasted, apathetic, or trying my best not to cry. Sometimes I apply for work, sometimes I SH, sometimes I try learning new things in hopes that it'll change anything, sometimes I can't do anything all day but stare at a wall and think about how much I hate it all.

Everything's been a blur for years. I feel fucking useless. I can't hold down a job no matter what effort I put into it. I can't achieve any of my goals. I can't even get close. I talk to people less and less, slowly running out of energy to hold up the "normal person who likes socializing" facade. Nothing ever changes no matter what I do. It's been 10 years since I first had suicidal thoughts. Why the fuck am I still here? What the fuck is wrong with me to have hope after all this time? I'm not an optimist, so I don't know why I keep telling myself I just need more time.

No amount of school, reading, or studying makes me come close to an average intelligence level. No matter what I do, I think I'll be a fucking idiot forever. I'm clumsy, forgetful, awkward, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to take care of myself, my existence is entirely, 110% useless.

I was trying not to daydrink today, but just about every time I don't, I start making plans to CTB. I'm running out of money for drinks, and I hate being drunk all the time. I just hate everything. I don't know why the fuck I'm still here, I really don't.

 

[indecision]

I hope you find the peace u seek for. I understand how u feel about it all feeling useless. Every so called 'achievement' doesnt change anything in my life either its like im just here existing and being a burden or a parasite to some. I dont know how to socialize and struggle being by myself its like an endless loop of feeling like absolute shit.