T

Trans Magus

Member
Mar 8, 2021
49
I recently spent a week with my sister in another state and it was probably the happiest time of my life. I only felt suicidal when I received some really bad news and I was much more capable of dealing with it than usual. But then I had to fly home and return to my agonizing daily existence. I'd have preferred to live with her but that apparently wasn't an option. Can't say I blame her - her resources are limited and who the fuck wants to live with a suicidal trans NEET.

She and her boyfriend said they'd help me with housing back where I usually live but I don't exactly have high hopes for that. Everything I've ever tried to improve my situation has failed catastrophically. It just gets worse and worse and I want to be rid of this pain forever.

Ever had that happen to you? Where you just get a taste of something better but all that does is make it so much worse? It's like getting high - you feel better for a while then it's back to where you started.
 
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W

WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,164
Oh yes, it's happened to me too!
I went to a town with a beautiful beach and I could've stayed there forever and ever but it was impossible to get a job and make a decent living so I had to go back to the city and be a slave of the system and a NEET again haha.

However, this pandemic kinda helped me and I can work in any part of the world as long as I have a good internet connection and pc so, who knows? I might save some money and move there in some years.

Still, being a normal person is the biggest challenge ever.

Wish you the best, pal.
 
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killedbypsychiatry

killedbypsychiatry

drugging kids is abuse
Jan 27, 2021
797
Where you just get a taste of something better but all that does is make it so much worse?
Well I had a relatively pretty good life up to age 17 years, then a year ago something tragic happened and it destroyed my life forever. And it feels horrible to have tasted how awesome my life was and could have been have that not happened. So I get what you say... having had a "good" life prior has brought me a lot of grief :/
 
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Thegoldenapples

Thegoldenapples

Specialist
Aug 12, 2020
349
Yeah, when I was 25, prior to the medical system getting their hands on me. Since then it's been 10 years of shit. Had they been honest, I'd be living my best life right now which causes a lot of grief. Really pisses me off how so called "professionals" in a split second, can change everything.
 
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C

carnalsanders

Member
Feb 10, 2021
12
I've felt that many times. One of the most interesting, to me anyway, is whenever I spend a few days at one of my best friends' family home. I've known this friend and their family since we were both children so I am an honorary family member of sorts. Around day 3 or so, I usually realise that I haven't thought about my own home or family or other friends in a while, and my day to day activities and thoughts along with them. I'm suddenly, briefly, fully immersed in another family and their dynamic almost as if my real life and its problems are non-existent. And the funny thing is - it doesn't matter if things are going well or not - it's a new life, a different life and everything plaguing me is gone. Then I realise that very realisation and immediately stop enjoying the delusion of the whole thing, return to my home, my life and my problems and everything feels a little bit darker than I left it.
 
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B

booray

Can’t do this anymore
Jan 28, 2021
394
I used to have a life that I didn't want to end. Then I went and destroyed it.
 
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Rustysoupcan

Rustysoupcan

I'm sensitive
May 2, 2020
242
My mind keeps going back to one day with my boyfriend. He was spending the weekend with me, it was fairly early in our relationship. The night before we had made a fort and watched movies or something, I dont even remember what we did. But I was so happy. And the morning after that I went into the living room and sat in the fort we made and just cried of pure happiness. Just being so happy, I felt like I had everything in life. I journaled that morning, but I dont remember what I said, and I threw away my journals because I tried to ctb. I wish I could go back to that.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,680
Funny you should ask, my experience from a few months ago which I've mentioned over and over made me feel exactly like that. Five days of actually thinking I might have hope only to be abruptly put to a stop. Now that it happened I know I'd never get that lucky again. Life is cruel.
 
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Ame

Ame

あめ
Nov 1, 2019
322
Yes and both that life and future are irretrievably lost. I was very happy though.
 
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nolongerhuman

nolongerhuman

Arcanist
Feb 9, 2021
497
Every once in a while, I'll have a day free of the constant anxiety attacks and the depression so bad I have to drag myself out of bed. Sometimes, it'll even be multiple days in a row. I'll get a taste of the life I could have had if I was well, and it's so nice because my life is actually quite pleasant when whatever is wrong with my brain isn't fucking everything up (I have a loving family, work I like, friends, etc.). The shit I normally go through starts to seem like a bad dream that I've woken up from and maybe everything will be okay from now on.

It's a trap. It's life's equivalent of taking you out for ice cream after beating the shit out of you so you won't leave. I inevitably get dragged back into the cycle of shit no matter what I do. And it feels even worse because happiness was dangled in front of my face before being moved just out of reach, like I'm some modern day Tantalus except for I can't think of a single thing I could have done to deserve it.
 
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I

itsallover

Arcanist
Jun 29, 2018
478
Yeah I had multiple degrees from university, a well-paying career, and a nice home. Ever since a medical malpractice I am on disability and on the verge of becoming hopeless. I will die before that ever happens because I did not deserve that.
 
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M

MyStateKilledMe

Arcanist
Apr 23, 2020
463
Holy shit, yes!

It happened in May 2020. A month prior, I got tired of living my life in quarantine, with everything fun shut down and me unable to hang out with my friends, so I decided to get serious about CTB'ing (hence my username). While I was getting ready to CTB, I stumbled upon a radical right-wing group on social media. They didn't believe in my state's liberal lies about Covid, and were still willing to have parties and socialize. While I questioned their motives a little bit, I figured: "Since I'm gonna die soon anyway, I might as well have one last blast of dangerous fun."

Long story short, I got invited to their party, at a house 2 hours away from me. The owner didn't want any evidence of him having a party, so he had everyone park at a closed church, then walk a good distance. He had everyone bring a thermometer, and take our own temperature before coming in, but that was it when it came to "safety". The house was packed! No masks. No social distancing. Everyone was shaking hands, hugging, dancing, and getting all over each other while taking cuddly group pictures. We burned our state's flag in the backyard. It was clear that everyone at the party was starved for human contact, and were taking it out on each other. Even some married women were giving me big bear hugs, thanking me for coming; I respected the boundaries, and their husbands were cool with it. I even made out (UK: snogged) with a woman, giving the CDC and my state governor a big "fuck you".

That party gave me a taste of my life could be, once I became brave enough to defy my state's quarantine and the CDC's "safety" rules. A week after, I drove to the next state for my first haircut and a drink in a bar in months (by myself, but hey). I joined in trashing my state with the townies in the bar. Some of them looked gruff, but I felt so confident, I wasn't intimidated at all. I ran on a trail in a park across the street until I felt OK to drive back. Then a month after that, me and four people from the party took an overnight road trip together to the same state I got my haircut in, to a quirky beach town. (Rather than to a town right over the border, where I went.)

After that road trip, I didn't want to CTB anymore! Meeting like-minded conservatives, who were still willing to socialize and enjoy in-person friendships, rather than obey the CDC and the Democrats like mindless sheep walking into a slaughterhouse. I still hang out with that group today. I maintain existing friendships with liberals on a "grandfather clause" basis, but no new liberals are allowed into my life. I only admit new friends who are strongly conservative; new liberals in my life will be fringe acquaintances at best.

Still, not all that glitters is gold. My state could easily lock everything down again, when the next fake virus rears its ugly head. And that group might not be there. So I want to be able to CBT quickly and easily, if need be.
 
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GarageKarate07

GarageKarate07

Wizard
Aug 18, 2020
665
On just the question itself, many many times! It can be hard and difficult but if you keep your head up many good times will always come. I had a home near lots of water and wildlife. We had more than enough money to get by and nobody was telling us what to do. The bills were annoying but that's the rat race and you cant always escape it. I miss that. Lasted about a year. Wasn't the last time but it was the happiest time. There were no rules in that castle. Love it while it lasts.
 
T

Toptock

Experienced
Jun 6, 2020
292
Yes, actually. There was one time in 2014 at a friend's wedding, where I got to be a groomsman, and all of us dragged the groom into the lake. we were all shitfaced, the bride loved it and I actually got a moment in the wedding video where I got to pretend to be the "Crocodile hunter" and we were scouting out the groom, and going to attempt to return him to the lake before the bride noticed.
 
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ondodera

ondodera

Unfortunately alive.
Mar 17, 2018
23
For sure, until I went and threw it out the window. Tho, who actually knows if it hadn't failed then that it wouldn't have failed later on? I beat myself up about it all the time but i'm grateful that I had the chance. Just in general there are days where I feel like things can get better/anxiety isn't as prevalent but it's pretty momentary and dissipates rather quickly. I don't know, my want to CTB isn't dependent on some traumatic event or painful disability like some, so it's hard to tell really. Would my mental illness ever have truly let me be happy?
 
mpnf

mpnf

Mental anguish..no more please.
Oct 3, 2019
190
Not that I can remember of. I just want my great memory back but it's long gone.
 
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Bedrock48

Bedrock48

Dreadful damage, dreadful destiny
Feb 1, 2021
540
I've had a few. Last February in particular. I made an impulse decision to go to a metal concert and travel further afterwards to meet a friend who moved for uni. Travel over 100 miles for the concert by a couple coaches, got a little lost along the way but I loved every minute. Was determined that I would spend as much of 2020 travelling as possible. Crashing in cheap backpackers accommodation and tasting the freedom I'd missed so dearly during childhood. Maybe I'd even start wild camping and going hiking.

Oh but never mind, covid done fucked me so my backpack I bought last year is gathering dust in my cupboard after only one use.
 
Unlucked

Unlucked

Student
Jul 10, 2019
188
I recently spent a week with my sister in another state and it was probably the happiest time of my life. I only felt suicidal when I received some really bad news and I was much more capable of dealing with it than usual. But then I had to fly home and return to my agonizing daily existence. I'd have preferred to live with her but that apparently wasn't an option. Can't say I blame her - her resources are limited and who the fuck wants to live with a suicidal trans NEET.

She and her boyfriend said they'd help me with housing back where I usually live but I don't exactly have high hopes for that. Everything I've ever tried to improve my situation has failed catastrophically. It just gets worse and worse and I want to be rid of this pain forever.

Ever had that happen to you? Where you just get a taste of something better but all that does is make it so much worse? It's like getting high - you feel better for a while then it's back to where you started.
Hey, I'm also a suicidal trans neet. Currently. Lol sup. And I had a taste of the life I wanted, pre puberty when I still looked femme af. Now I just pick apart the flaws on my body and face obsessing over surgeries, currently have one scheduled Dec 2021 and if that doesn't work I'm catching the bus. :>
 
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T

Trans Magus

Member
Mar 8, 2021
49
Hey, I'm also a suicidal trans neet. Currently. Lol sup. And I had a taste of the life I wanted, pre puberty when I still looked femme af. Now I just pick apart the flaws on my body and face obsessing over surgeries, currently have one scheduled Dec 2021 and if that doesn't work I'm catching the bus. :>
I can't even afford surgeries, personally. I survive off of disability and my asshole parents. And I don't see a way out so I don't even know what to do.
 
Mentalmick

Mentalmick

IMHOTEP!!!
Nov 30, 2020
2,050
No I haven't. I'm that pathetic and damaged I've never had a life let alone a happy one.
 
JigsawFeelin

JigsawFeelin

Student
May 31, 2020
132
i had three very happy years in the sense I was socially and romantically fulfilled. I've never felt I've been in 'the right place' or had a career, though
 
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