Story Even though I had an (objectively) good life, I still want to die

[TAW122]

There are many people in the world who would badly want to be able to even have a fraction of what I have in my life, and while my worries and my reasons may seem trivial to them, to me it's not. Personally, I don't find my life to worth it, even with all the things I have. Many people would (right off the bat) quickly dismiss me and tell me to be grateful, to appreciate all the opportunities, and even be indignant that I am "throwing my life away" especially for something very trivial. However, they don't live the life I live nor did they ever walk a day in my shoes to know how I see the world.

A little background of me is that I grew up in a middle class family, I went to decent schools during primary school and generally did ok. I do have an older sister and she is more successful in just about every single way, but not trying to compare myself to her just saying. While my childhood sucked in various ways, my needs were met (though by no stretch do I believe that my childhood was good just that I had the basic needs taken care of -- I won't go into all the details but just say that I ended up generally ok. And fyi, not CTB'ing just because of a bad childhood, that isn't an actual reason.). I have talents in music and other areas in life, played ok with video games, and did alright, but that means little to me. Anyways, so I went to college and earned a good degree in STEM (Computer Science) and generally decent grades like mostly A's and B's, but didn't really utilize to find a good job nor care too much about it since during my life, I just wanted to find things I enjoy, not necessarily chase "success" like most other people do. During my early adulthood life, I had attended events and experienced things that give me pleasure, traveled to various countries around the world, stuff that people would fight for, but still, unless I gotten the goals I want in life, it would be fleeting at best. At best, it would only turn my suicidality from active to passive; it was just a cope and I don't want to cope my entire life away until other causes end my life.

Personally, I don't give a shit about wealth, about the usual things that the majority of people find valuable (success in life, career, family, big house, nice car, luxury, etc.), because I just live on my own terms and have my own personal goals to go for. My philosophy is very simple. If I cannot attain my goals, dreams, and fantasies, then my life is not worth living (regardless of whatever else I have. I could have a very cushy career, lots of wealth and never have to worry about money again, and all my needs taken care of, but that doesn't mean shit). Of course, many people don't see life in the same way I see my life and would quickly dismiss me by raising the "you're just depressed bro!", "you have a good life! Enjoy it!", "What a waste of good opportunities!" and proceed to ignore all my reasons and reasoning. Some even threaten me subtly, passively by claiming that "If I were their child, they'd beat some sense into me." Or something along those lines, usually other people I've encountered in my life.

Mind you, of course, if I didn't have my needs taken care of, yes, while that may be grounds for CTB'ing more imminently than long term, at the end of the day, I'm still going to CTB than to live decades of misery at unfulfilled, unattainable goals and dreams. Plus, I don't find the appeal in living to old age or being a centenarian, being dependent on others to just exist, not having the same physical and mental capacity as a younger person, it's just not the life for me. Of course, people will project their "selfish" and irrational views that life is always a net positive, life is valuable, life is a gift, and other inane spiel, but that does not change my view that life sucks for me and if I decide it's not worth it, then nobody has the right to dictate that I live just so they won't be sad. Ultimately, even a good (objective) life is not enough for me to want to live, just barely enough for me not to want to actively die because I have philosophical and personal reasons for wanting to CTB including things I can't change but don't want to accept (e.g. a shit society, a shit world, shitty human nature, etc.)

 

[Life sucks]

Unfortunately, people won't admit how life is inherently bad. If someone has a good life, it doesn't mean other lives are good and it doesn't mean the happy life is absolute happiness. Actually, most of humans life has nothing to do with happiness (like sleeping and going to toilet) and those take a lot of time. Life is faulty and people want to ignore this fact. It doesn't matter if the person is happy, sad, rich, poor or anything else. Once someone knows the truth about this life and the limitations, it could be enough reason to ctb (for example, aging problem).

I want to do many things and have many dreams but life is limited and many things are impossible to reach. There are many reasons: My own limitations and the endless faults and limitations of life itself, the faults can range from logic and abstraction to practical stuff like interactions with people and daily life.

 

[kinzokukae]

i don't really understand how some people actively want to live to an old age - why? it's not like there's much to do; you become reliant on other people and medicine, become less attractive, lose cognitive function.. what upside is there??

 

[Deleted member 17949]

My life is totally fine, maybe even good from an objective perspective, but I still hate myself and don't want to live. Feels bad man.

 

[Joey]

This is how I exactly feel with my life right now :(

 

[FireFox]

I think there some people who just dont see life as a worth living or wonderful. It is really no ones fault

We cant help what we are and we dont choose how we feel.
I dont think life is worth living at all or wonderful . I wish i could stop existing
As time goes on i realise i dont belong in this word

 

[Quimont]

Same boat. Not much to complain about, objectively speaking. Many are worse than I am

 

[TAW122]

Thanks for the kind responses. I am currently unemployed and I have no motivation for getting a good paying job, but just going through the motions just to keep people IRL at bay from trying to pry into my inner most thoughts and secret plans. I just don't have any drive to do ambitious things if I know for a fact I would not be able to attain some of my goals that I yearn for badly. There is just no point in slaving away, exhausting myself, going through all the trouble and more misery for no good gains or for things I just simply don't care about.

 

[Linda]

There are many people in the world who would badly want to be able to even have a fraction of what I have in my life, and while my worries and my reasons may seem trivial to them, to me it's not. Personally, I don't find my life to worth it, even with all the things I have. Many people would (right off the bat) quickly dismiss me and tell me to be grateful, to appreciate all the opportunities, and even be indignant that I am "throwing my life away" especially for something very trivial. However, they don't live the life I live nor did they ever walk a day in my shoes to know how I see the world.

A little background of me is that I grew up in a middle class family, I went to decent schools during primary school and generally did ok. I do have an older sister and she is more successful in just about every single way, but not trying to compare myself to her just saying. While my childhood sucked in various ways, my needs were met (though by no stretch do I believe that my childhood was good just that I had the basic needs taken care of -- I won't go into all the details but just say that I ended up generally ok. And fyi, not CTB'ing just because of a bad childhood, that isn't an actual reason.). I have talents in music and other areas in life, played ok with video games, and did alright, but that means little to me. Anyways, so I went to college and earned a good degree in STEM (Computer Science) and generally decent grades like mostly A's and B's, but didn't really utilize to find a good job nor care too much about it since during my life, I just wanted to find things I enjoy, not necessarily chase "success" like most other people do. During my early adulthood life, I had attended events and experienced things that give me pleasure, traveled to various countries around the world, stuff that people would fight for, but still, unless I gotten the goals I want in life, it would be fleeting at best. At best, it would only turn my suicidality from active to passive; it was just a cope and I don't want to cope my entire life away until other causes end my life.

Personally, I don't give a shit about wealth, about the usual things that the majority of people find valuable (success in life, career, family, big house, nice car, luxury, etc.), because I just live on my own terms and have my own personal goals to go for. My philosophy is very simple. If I cannot attain my goals, dreams, and fantasies, then my life is not worth living (regardless of whatever else I have. I could have a very cushy career, lots of wealth and never have to worry about money again, and all my needs taken care of, but that doesn't mean shit). Of course, many people don't see life in the same way I see my life and would quickly dismiss me by raising the "you're just depressed bro!", "you have a good life! Enjoy it!", "What a waste of good opportunities!" and proceed to ignore all my reasons and reasoning. Some even threaten me subtly, passively by claiming that "If I were their child, they'd beat some sense into me." Or something along those lines, usually other people I've encountered in my life.

Mind you, of course, if I didn't have my needs taken care of, yes, while that may be grounds for CTB'ing more imminently than long term, at the end of the day, I'm still going to CTB than to live decades of misery at unfulfilled, unattainable goals and dreams. Plus, I don't find the appeal in living to old age or being a centenarian, being dependent on others to just exist, not having the same physical and mental capacity as a younger person, it's just not the life for me. Of course, people will project their "selfish" and irrational views that life is always a net positive, life is valuable, life is a gift, and other inane spiel, but that does not change my view that life sucks for me and if I decide it's not worth it, then nobody has the right to dictate that I live just so they won't be sad. Ultimately, even a good (objective) life is not enough for me to want to live, just barely enough for me not to want to actively die because I have philosophical and personal reasons for wanting to CTB including things I can't change but don't want to accept (e.g. a shit society, a shit world, shitty human nature, etc.)

I agree with most of that, but just want to raise one point. You refer to "things I can't change but don't want to accept". Have you ever tried to change them? The changes that make the world a (slightly) better place start with some ordinary person - like you - who says "I'm sick of this shit" but then says "and I'm going to do something about it". That ordinary person starts making waves. He recruits some other person. They make more waves and encourage more people to join the team. It snowballs. Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewell didn't happen because of people who said "I'm sick of this shit so I'm going to ctb". They happened because totally ordinary people got up and fought. Often they weren't even fighting for themselves; they were fighting to help others. They fought against impossible odds - and they won. NOTHING is stopping you from doing the same. Except, perhaps, yourself.

 

[TAW122]

I agree with most of that, but just want to raise one point. You refer to "things I can't change but don't want to accept". Have you ever tried to change them? The changes that make the world a (slightly) better place start with some ordinary person - like you - who says "I'm sick of this shit" but then says "and I'm going to do something about it". That ordinary person starts making waves. He recruits some other person. They make more waves and encourage more people to join the team. It snowballs. Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewell didn't happen because of people who said "I'm sick of this shit so I'm going to ctb". They happened because totally ordinary people got up and fought. Often they weren't even fighting for themselves; they were fighting to help others. They fought against impossible odds - and they won. NOTHING is stopping you from doing the same. Except, perhaps, yourself.

With respect to "things I can't change, but don't want to accept", I am referring to specific fantasies and dreams that I would do (almost anything) and go out of my convenience to make it happen, but sadly, in reality it just won't happen. I have many of those, but I will just give one example. One of my dreams is to be able to have intercourse with a special person who possesses a specific talent at a high degree of level. However, in reality, there aren't many people in this world let alone the ones I know of who are capable of such a feat or talent. Then on top of that, the pool of people who would be willing to have intercourse consensually is small. So with that, you could already see how nearly impossible that dream would be to achieve. I could earn as much money and do whatever I can, but I can't change the fact that I'm not attractive enough, or the type of person who someone else would "want" to have intercourse with (some people just aren't attracted to certain people). You also can't force a talent nor push to their absolute limits, it's up to the other person on whether or not they are willing to hone their talents or their limits of their capability (e.g. Not everyone can be a superstar, an professional athlete, Olympian, etc. They need both the drive, nurture, base and talent, hence there are very few that do.). So in short, in that example, I would not be able to change things or achieve said goal; it's just not realistically probable. I have a better chance to get hit by lightning and dying than for that dream to be reality. I don't want to accept that, but it's the reality of it, so I am choosing to CTB (among many other reasons as well).

Sure, fighting for others is a good cause, which is why I have written many article pieces on the right to die and freedom of choice, but ultimately, my peace is still more important and I am not going to just stay alive and suffer indefinitely. I will however, do what I can to fight for the right to die during my interim and however long that may be.