Discussion Even on the days when I don't feel intense suicidal ideation, it still feels like the most logical, sensible decision.

[ChildrensITV]

Even in days of clarity and reasonable calm. Days when I am not on the verge of tears. Days when I have had to put a brave face on cuz of a job interview or leaving the house. On days when the suicidal ideation isn't as strong, killing myself still feels like the logical, sensible thing to do.

Even if my day is "manageable", there is still no repairing my life. I will sink back down to my normal levels of depression soon enough. Nothing has been resolved. I still hate it here. I am still too far gone in age, depression, deteriorated looks and health, jaddedness and wasted opportunity ever to claw my way back to some kind of acceptable existence.

Even on days that are manageable, I still struggle with achieving anything, being productive, leaving the house. I am less productive than I used to be by far. I am a broken man and there is no way to fix it. Even if you made me 20 again, I am still broken. You would need to fix my broken mind too. You would need to erase my trauma, not give me more time to adjust to it. I've had enough time to adjust to it. It didn't work.

I am struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. If I haven't done it by end of 2023, then I know what to do in 2024.

 

[SilentSadness]

I fully agree, occasionally I have a less-terrible day, or a bout of SI which makes me feel less sure about ctb. Luckily, even in those times I still know ctb is the rational choice and that if I missed an opportunity I would of course regret it. At the very least, it's nice to enjoy a slight break from the suffering, after all it is a scarcity. I hope you find the pieces of your life you are missing.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've had days like that, where I almost feel like my old self again, from before I was suicidal. Even on those days, when I felt happy or content for that moment, I still knew I would eventually kill myself. I think when you feel that way on a good day, it means it will likely happen. I wish you could get all the pieces put back together again and feel better, but once we're this broken, there's no glue strong enough to hold us together anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly believe that in a world like this, wanting suicide is what is the most logical at least to me, regardless of the circumstances. Existing certainly is something futile and unnecessary with the potential for unlimited amounts of suffering to be experienced there at all times, and just the fact that life is filled with so much risk and potential for harm is enough of a reason to make me want to leave.

Life leads to nothing and nowhere apart from us ceasing to exist so to me it makes sense for one to want to take control over their inevitable fate, I always view it as being preferable to not exist. I absolutely despise existing and it's something that is tiring just being conscious and aware, so your feelings are very much understandable. One doesn't need to suffer so extremely to want to die.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I fully agree, occasionally I have a less-terrible day, or a bout of SI which makes me feel less sure about ctb. Luckily, even in those times I still know ctb is the rational choice and that if I missed an opportunity I would of course regret it. At the very least, it's nice to enjoy a slight break from the suffering, after all it is a scarcity. I hope you find the pieces of your life you are missing.

Thanks SS.

 

[leavingsoon99]

There's nothing insane nor pathological about leaving this world. The human has succeeded only in making life unnatural and unlivable for itself. Look at the construct of human life. Suffering is seen as a GOOD thing. Compete for food. Compete for love. Compete. Compete. COMPETE!!! That's not life. That's not natural. Human isn't designed to live the way that this system is trying to get us to exist. Plus, the spirit of love is mocked. Love isn't in most people. This life is inadequate for a sane soul. I've always maintained that anyone who was endowed with a soul cannot live sanely and comfortably in this world.

 

[galintra90]

Even in days of clarity and reasonable calm. Days when I am not on the verge of tears. Days when I have had to put a brave face on cuz of a job interview or leaving the house. On days when the suicidal ideation isn't as strong, killing myself still feels like the logical, sensible thing to do.

Even if my day is "manageable", there is still no repairing my life. I will sink back down to my normal levels of depression soon enough. Nothing has been resolved. I still hate it here. I am still too far gone in age, depression, deteriorated looks and health, jaddedness and wasted opportunity ever to claw my way back to some kind of acceptable existence.

Even on days that are manageable, I still struggle with achieving anything, being productive, leaving the house. I am less productive than I used to be by far. I am a broken man and there is no way to fix it. Even if you made me 20 again, I am still broken. You would need to fix my broken mind too. You would need to erase my trauma, not give me more time to adjust to it. I've had enough time to adjust to it. It didn't work.

I am struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. If I haven't done it by end of 2023, then I know what to do in 2024.

Feel the same

 

[TooConscious]

There's nothing insane nor pathological about leaving this world. The human has succeeded only in making life unnatural and unlivable for itself. Look at the construct of human life. Suffering is seen as a GOOD thing. Compete for food. Compete for love. Compete. Compete. COMPETE!!! That's not life. That's not natural. Human isn't designed to live the way that this system is trying to get us to exist. Plus, the spirit of love is mocked. Love isn't in most people. This life is inadequate for a sane soul. I've always maintained that anyone who was endowed with a soul cannot live sanely and comfortably in this world.

The competition is not needed either, some humans just made it as difficult as possible for others. The struggle probably fell to unintended targets. Or it's the spoiled ones who never understood the concept of how life would.be of they had to fight for their life over a patch of corn.
Have laid out the plans like conspiring children to keep the people who are.putting food on the table worked to death and unable to muster a mental defence informing them of how badly they are being screwed by these freeloaders and parasites.
Everything about humanity is wrong
And I for one accuse it of being sick and sadistic. I know how I and others feel after what has happened to us, and it isn't pretty. When you were.once someone who just used to smile and keep going, eventually when trodden on.enough that smile bares teeth. Even teeth that aren't natural and are cheap and hollow veneers you paid for as due to unnatural diet and medication you lost teeth, the created plastics can still deliver bite enough, and I believe there will be alot of people getting bit back finally, now that people are seeing how the middle class is being destroyed and there is plans to take everything. Nobody can anticipate the horror and commupence thats about to reign down.

 

[アホペンギン]

Even in days of clarity and reasonable calm. Days when I am not on the verge of tears. Days when I have had to put a brave face on cuz of a job interview or leaving the house. On days when the suicidal ideation isn't as strong, killing myself still feels like the logical, sensible thing to do.

Even if my day is "manageable", there is still no repairing my life. I will sink back down to my normal levels of depression soon enough. Nothing has been resolved. I still hate it here. I am still too far gone in age, depression, deteriorated looks and health, jaddedness and wasted opportunity ever to claw my way back to some kind of acceptable existence.

Even on days that are manageable, I still struggle with achieving anything, being productive, leaving the house. I am less productive than I used to be by far. I am a broken man and there is no way to fix it. Even if you made me 20 again, I am still broken. You would need to fix my broken mind too. You would need to erase my trauma, not give me more time to adjust to it. I've had enough time to adjust to it. It didn't work.

I am struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. If I haven't done it by end of 2023, then I know what to do in 2024.

damn, me too, even on days that im genuinely feeling happy, i still feel like ctbing is the most logical thing i can do at the moment, not even enjoying the moment while it lasts. but now ive been tending to self sabotage myself by coming onto this site when my suicidal thoughts go down, lol

 

[ixkitty]

I actually had a good 5-8 months without an active (not passive) Suicidal thought. I was thinking, my job will help me. I felt fulfilled. I had purpose. I thought, maybe.. but they just laid me off. And that hope shattered. but I used to smile while contemplating my next CTB date. my happiness used to be the countdown for me to leave. I can do this.. My mind told me daily. Now it's back like a beautiful sleek feline, guiding me to my next plan…

 

[J&L383]

Yes, me too. Moments of each day have some escape from the otherwise feeling of it's all in vane. But overall I am heartened by the knowledge that I can, if when I know it's time, take charge of the end. Knowledge is power. Tomorrow is another day.

 

[huphup]

I was feeling this these past two days when I felt unexplicably more normal than usual. Even though I did not have any suicidal ideation and was more happy, I thought about the meaninglessness and cruelty of our world and thought that I will still die by CTB one day