I understand but for me I try to sweep it under the rug. I spent years dwelling on past mistakes and realized it was pointless trying to make peace with something I have no control over. You must 'let go' sooner or later as the past is gone forever never to be played out again Ike tears through rain. The only relevance is the 'Now' even though I sound like I'm speaking out of my ass. Years ago I got into a car wreck with a semi-friend where he was crushed to death and I dwelled on the what ifs for years after. I had no control over any of it, he was driving and the semi just came out of nowhere and then boom. Just like that lights out, then I wake up smelling blood and burnt metal and it's something that's unforgettable. Just realize our control over any situation is small even though we would like more of it. I sure do but I can't do anything about it. Just one of the many reasons why I want to ctb because it's literally the only control I feel I ever had.
this is what i want too ...
That's my main reason rather than anything in the present
I know exactly how this feels. Basically all it would do is allow me to buy a piece of land, support a drug habit, and taunt shitty people with my wealth. I'd likely donate a lot of it to less fortunate people on the streets. I'd still want to ctb, in all honesty. Nothing will ever take this pain away.
