Venting Even getting a txt from my abuser sends me spiralling and unable to breathe

[todiefor]

I'm sorry about the pointless venting. most days I have a 8.5/10 on wanting to ctb but my mood is roughly manageable, except in the morning where I've just had all these dreams and flashbacks involving my abuser, I wake up in a sweat and wanting to die I literally groan out aloud when I see the light peek through my window 9.5/10.

During the day it's largely ok but even a text from my abuser just sends me spiralling and I can just feel the panic coming and my heart beating out of my chest and I just tear up uncontrollably and my hands shake uncontrollably. And this lasts for hours and it shoots up to a 12/10 of wanting to ctb

I really wish none of this happened. Only a year ago I lived a largely normal life.

I really hate this, I don't know how anyone manage this, I really really just want to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really horrible, I hope that you eventually find the freedom from your suffering that you search for.

 

[day]

I used to do this as well whenever I even thought of them. It goes away and comes back for me. I just wish like something could've been done but tbh its been to long and I've spent years now before even telling anyone about it.

So sorry you have to relive these awful scenarios and I hope you find peace soon. Good luck OP.

 

[peelingbananas]

I'm sorry about the pointless venting. most days I have a 8.5/10 on wanting to ctb but my mood is roughly manageable, except in the morning where I've just had all these dreams and flashbacks involving my abuser, I wake up in a sweat and wanting to die I literally groan out aloud when I see the light peek through my window 9.5/10.

During the day it's largely ok but even a text from my abuser just sends me spiralling and I can just feel the panic coming and my heart beating out of my chest and I just tear up uncontrollably and my hands shake uncontrollably. And this lasts for hours and it shoots up to a 12/10 of wanting to ctb

I really wish none of this happened. Only a year ago I lived a largely normal life.

I really hate this, I don't know how anyone manage this, I really really just want to die.

i'm assuming you still have contact with the abuser?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm confused as to why you even accept texts, or any contact for that matter, from your abuser?

 

[todiefor]

I'm confused as to why you even accept texts, or any contact for that matter, from your abuser?

i'm assuming you still have contact with the abuser?

I have contact with him because we are going through a divorce. Before the divorce for the entire year, he repeatedly told me I should just go kill myself, including after I told him I can't stand the abuse anymore, and that I'm extremely suicidal, please have mercy. He has also said that if I want to kill myself go ahead as that will work out in his favour in the divorce if it happens before it is finalised. He has hired lawyers unnecessarily, and indicated he will draw out the process if I don't quickly agree to some very shitty terms.

I just don't know how to deal with this level of betrayal. I genuinely trusted this man for a large part of my adult life, he wasn't always like this and so now I realise I lived a life of lies as now I guess he has revealed his true face. I know many go through divorces, perhaps I am just not made for this world to take this kind of betrayal. I rather be dead than have to go through the possibility of doing this again. I can see why people never remarry.

 

[peelingbananas]

We are going through a divorce, and like everything this year we agreed on something amicably and then he completely took it back and now is shoving lawyers and intimidation down my throat, entirely unnecessarily since I just want the money for my parents and then ctb, which he already knows bc I told him. He just wants me dead before the divorce so he can keep all the money.

So he finds whatever way he can to harrass me. I obviously have a soft spot for him and find it difficult to completely block him. But even if I do he will just intimidate me through his lawyers, trying to push this into a lengthy court battle in the hope I ctb before it's done. So I don't block him because I want him to just stop acting like an asshole. But I guess it's very much a delusional dream.

so he's HOPING you ctb? this is extremely fucked up... i'm sorry. he must know that he wouldn't win the case then, and would just pray that something bad happens on your end beforehand. what a dick, i'm really sorry. i hope this turns around. he should face consequences for this.

so he's HOPING you ctb? this is extremely fucked up... i'm sorry. he must know that he wouldn't win the case then, and would just pray that something bad happens on your end beforehand. what a dick, i'm really sorry. i hope this turns around. he should face consequences for this.

if you need to talk at any point i'll watch my notifs.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

We are going through a divorce, and like everything this year we agreed on something amicably and then he completely took it back and now is shoving lawyers and intimidation down my throat, entirely unnecessarily since I just want the money for my parents and then ctb, which he already knows bc I told him. He just wants me dead before the divorce so he can keep all the money.

So he finds whatever way he can to harrass me. I obviously have a soft spot for him and find it difficult to completely block him. But even if I do he will just intimidate me through his lawyers, trying to push this into a lengthy court battle in the hope I ctb before it's done. So I don't block him because I want him to just stop acting like an asshole. But I guess it's very much a delusional dream.

Sorry you're having to go through all of that crap. He sounds like a total asshat.