GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
There will always be someone who doesn't like what you say, how you say it, what you do, and/or how you do it.
I've lived this more days of my life than not.
You may be surprised, but I used to really hate myself. I didn't fit in anywhere. I was beaten and berated at home for what I did, said, or believed. Things weren't explained to me very often, it was just expected that I toe the line, do as I was told, and believe whatever my parents did. They weren't critical thinkers and didn't teach me how to be one. When I questioned them, they escalated to argument, but I was blamed for the emotional escalations, arguments and, often, beatings that followed. I was expected to manage my frustration and other emotions, but was not given an example for how to do so. It was demanded I show respect, but I was not shown much respect, so I don't know how I was supposed to figure it out. What I was really expected to do was cowtow and submit; the world has usually expected that of me as well. I wonder what I would have been like if my strengths were played to and molded rather than attacked and assaulted.
In school, I didn't know how to fit in with others and was easily provoked, so it was fun for others to get me riled up, I was their entertainment. I spent childhood and my teenage years an extroverted, awkward, targeted, very hurt person. In junior high, I made cheerleader, and was the nerd cheerleader. Some would say (and have), "Oh poor you," but they couldn't comprehend that it was worse than not being a cheerleader at all; I stood out even more as a spastic nerd who just didn't fit in. There were things I excelled at in school, like choir, acting and writing, but the more I stood out, the more people who had me as a target and wanted to knock me down. God forbid I felt good about or liked myself. Teachers could be as bad as the students, and had more power to harm me inside.
In college, I started to come into my own. There were so many different people in every class, and so few concentrated cliques throughout the school, I was able to enjoy classes, often excel, and gain confidence. By the time I was 25, I learned to embrace anything that was different about me, and I was embraced by others more. I was never super cool, but I was liked, often respected, and there were less people who outright targeted me.
In Army basic training and journalism school, I once again stood out. I didn't have the self-respect and groundedness to reinforce anywhere that I had leadership or excelled over others. It was as bad as junior high, the worst of all my awful school years. Every day there was someone looking for a weakness to use against me, any kind of slip up that could be magnified, to point out to all the others and say, "See, she's not that great." It was a long, intense five months.
In jobs, I was never able to get above a certain level. Most but not all of the time I hated the mundane and didn't work hard enough, until I hit 40. But when there was something I truly excelled at, those who didn't excel rose above, and those higher up didn't want to give me chances in spite of my talents, they always came up with a truly lame reason not to. I could never play the ass-kissing or diplomatic games, just as in private grade school, where I was surrounded by rich kids with senses of entitlement and superiority, and just as in my family, where I couldn't comprehend how to play my parents to get what I wanted. I've always just been honest and rather guileless, and offended when others either clearly bullshitted, manipulated, or refused to engage with their rationality and to rationally engage. I suppose in this way I understand people on the autism spectrum.
Over the decades, I did a lot of work to try to heal from my childhood. I saw various therapists, tried different modalities and tools, and eventually, beginning in my late thirties, began to truly heal, come into my own more and more, and gain the confidence to walk my talk, to know with firmness who I am and what I believe, and to embrace that no matter who doesn't approve. I finally, deeply respect, honor and value myself. And I am who I was all along, even as a very young child. I suppose I've been tested by fire, and who I am continues to emerge, grow, and strengthen, rather than cower, crumble and die.
I am not always hated, there are people who respect and like me, more often like me than hate me, but when I'm hated, it's strong. When someone can't stand me and I speak or act with strength, it's, "How dare you, and who do you think you are?" When I make an error or act an ass, as humans will, it's, "Hah! You thought you were so great! Look at you now."
It doesn't matter how talented someone is, or how little. It doesn't matter how much they reveal their authentic self, or how much they protect it with a false persona. It doesn't matter how outgoing, nor how much one tries to hide in the corner. Someone will always notice and have a problem with what they see and don't approve of, including me. It is the incredibly rare person who is liked and approved of by everyone, and I have no way of knowing if they like and approve of themselves. Since that's how life with other humans is, I'd rather be myself and be confident in that, and keep working with and learning from it, because when I don't have confidence, the difficulties of life are even more difficult to walk through. I'd rather move forward, and sometimes be in the wrong, than to not be able to move, and always feel wrong for existing when I didn't choose to, and for being the person I didn't choose to be born as. Even if no one else is okay with me, I can at least somewhat, if never totally, be okay with me (otherwise wouldn't that be ignorant hubris?), and in that way, I guess I have a kind of shield so that others' hate and personal problems don't come fully inside. There's just not room inside for both me and those who hate me. They may want me to be small, but I don't have to live what they want for me any more than they have to live what I want for them. And that gives me just enough breathing space when I'm faced with all the atrocities of the world that try to crush me, and try to crush everyone else but those at the very top, whoever they are, who bullshit, manipulate, and refuse to rationally engage. That's the shit that's killing me. But it doesn't change who I am and it doesn't condemn my self and my spirit. I have enough to own if I do something wrong against another or myself, I'm not going to own what others do against me, too.
I wrote this for those who feel they're not enough and are unworthy, especially those members who are younger and can feel overwhelmed by the hate, cruelty and unfairness that gets thrown at them in life. I don't know if it gives hope, since I never achieved worldly success and I'm ending my life, but if there's even one thing that you connect with and that serves you, I hope it serves you well. If you feel even smaller, goddamnit, that's not what I intended! But shit, no matter what one says or how they say it, it can always be misinterpreted or misused. The only way to combat that is to stay in the corner and not say anything at all, and I just don't do that, even if it makes me a target.
I've lived this more days of my life than not.
You may be surprised, but I used to really hate myself. I didn't fit in anywhere. I was beaten and berated at home for what I did, said, or believed. Things weren't explained to me very often, it was just expected that I toe the line, do as I was told, and believe whatever my parents did. They weren't critical thinkers and didn't teach me how to be one. When I questioned them, they escalated to argument, but I was blamed for the emotional escalations, arguments and, often, beatings that followed. I was expected to manage my frustration and other emotions, but was not given an example for how to do so. It was demanded I show respect, but I was not shown much respect, so I don't know how I was supposed to figure it out. What I was really expected to do was cowtow and submit; the world has usually expected that of me as well. I wonder what I would have been like if my strengths were played to and molded rather than attacked and assaulted.
In school, I didn't know how to fit in with others and was easily provoked, so it was fun for others to get me riled up, I was their entertainment. I spent childhood and my teenage years an extroverted, awkward, targeted, very hurt person. In junior high, I made cheerleader, and was the nerd cheerleader. Some would say (and have), "Oh poor you," but they couldn't comprehend that it was worse than not being a cheerleader at all; I stood out even more as a spastic nerd who just didn't fit in. There were things I excelled at in school, like choir, acting and writing, but the more I stood out, the more people who had me as a target and wanted to knock me down. God forbid I felt good about or liked myself. Teachers could be as bad as the students, and had more power to harm me inside.
In college, I started to come into my own. There were so many different people in every class, and so few concentrated cliques throughout the school, I was able to enjoy classes, often excel, and gain confidence. By the time I was 25, I learned to embrace anything that was different about me, and I was embraced by others more. I was never super cool, but I was liked, often respected, and there were less people who outright targeted me.
In Army basic training and journalism school, I once again stood out. I didn't have the self-respect and groundedness to reinforce anywhere that I had leadership or excelled over others. It was as bad as junior high, the worst of all my awful school years. Every day there was someone looking for a weakness to use against me, any kind of slip up that could be magnified, to point out to all the others and say, "See, she's not that great." It was a long, intense five months.
In jobs, I was never able to get above a certain level. Most but not all of the time I hated the mundane and didn't work hard enough, until I hit 40. But when there was something I truly excelled at, those who didn't excel rose above, and those higher up didn't want to give me chances in spite of my talents, they always came up with a truly lame reason not to. I could never play the ass-kissing or diplomatic games, just as in private grade school, where I was surrounded by rich kids with senses of entitlement and superiority, and just as in my family, where I couldn't comprehend how to play my parents to get what I wanted. I've always just been honest and rather guileless, and offended when others either clearly bullshitted, manipulated, or refused to engage with their rationality and to rationally engage. I suppose in this way I understand people on the autism spectrum.
Over the decades, I did a lot of work to try to heal from my childhood. I saw various therapists, tried different modalities and tools, and eventually, beginning in my late thirties, began to truly heal, come into my own more and more, and gain the confidence to walk my talk, to know with firmness who I am and what I believe, and to embrace that no matter who doesn't approve. I finally, deeply respect, honor and value myself. And I am who I was all along, even as a very young child. I suppose I've been tested by fire, and who I am continues to emerge, grow, and strengthen, rather than cower, crumble and die.
I am not always hated, there are people who respect and like me, more often like me than hate me, but when I'm hated, it's strong. When someone can't stand me and I speak or act with strength, it's, "How dare you, and who do you think you are?" When I make an error or act an ass, as humans will, it's, "Hah! You thought you were so great! Look at you now."
It doesn't matter how talented someone is, or how little. It doesn't matter how much they reveal their authentic self, or how much they protect it with a false persona. It doesn't matter how outgoing, nor how much one tries to hide in the corner. Someone will always notice and have a problem with what they see and don't approve of, including me. It is the incredibly rare person who is liked and approved of by everyone, and I have no way of knowing if they like and approve of themselves. Since that's how life with other humans is, I'd rather be myself and be confident in that, and keep working with and learning from it, because when I don't have confidence, the difficulties of life are even more difficult to walk through. I'd rather move forward, and sometimes be in the wrong, than to not be able to move, and always feel wrong for existing when I didn't choose to, and for being the person I didn't choose to be born as. Even if no one else is okay with me, I can at least somewhat, if never totally, be okay with me (otherwise wouldn't that be ignorant hubris?), and in that way, I guess I have a kind of shield so that others' hate and personal problems don't come fully inside. There's just not room inside for both me and those who hate me. They may want me to be small, but I don't have to live what they want for me any more than they have to live what I want for them. And that gives me just enough breathing space when I'm faced with all the atrocities of the world that try to crush me, and try to crush everyone else but those at the very top, whoever they are, who bullshit, manipulate, and refuse to rationally engage. That's the shit that's killing me. But it doesn't change who I am and it doesn't condemn my self and my spirit. I have enough to own if I do something wrong against another or myself, I'm not going to own what others do against me, too.
I wrote this for those who feel they're not enough and are unworthy, especially those members who are younger and can feel overwhelmed by the hate, cruelty and unfairness that gets thrown at them in life. I don't know if it gives hope, since I never achieved worldly success and I'm ending my life, but if there's even one thing that you connect with and that serves you, I hope it serves you well. If you feel even smaller, goddamnit, that's not what I intended! But shit, no matter what one says or how they say it, it can always be misinterpreted or misused. The only way to combat that is to stay in the corner and not say anything at all, and I just don't do that, even if it makes me a target.
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