Venting Especially motivated to CTB to make my mother understand the pain she’s caused me

[ChocolateCroissant]

I have not had this urge before and it makes me feel very bad...

I love my mother very much but she's hurt me a lot growing up. She was irresponsible and made drastically bad life choices that severely damaged me.

I know she has her own illnesses but I cannot take how I've never gotten a genuine apology from her.

I've tried 9 million ways to get her to understand how she impacted me but she dismisses it as she has the emotional maturity of a child and can't handle the issue (from what I can tell).

All I've wanted is a genuine "I'm sorry" and to know she's reflected on what she's done to me but I've never gotten it. Only "sorry" to get me to stop talking.

She is capable of depth, she showed it when one of her pets died. She could never show the same depth and reflection for me.

I am hurt and have been hurt for the entirety of my adulthood by her actions and knowing she hasn't apologized genuinely.

The other day I called her and exploded at her, because she has done MORE irresponsible things that I will have to fix or let her rot. I can barely wake up and brush my teeth but I'm supposed to fix these issues she has?

I can't take it.

Once again, she dismisses everything as I "can't stay hung up on the past".

And she can't even apologize for the past.

I love her so much but to even think of her has become tooth gritting. I am filled with rage and frustration.

I know if I just CTBd she might then have to reflect and think about her part in it.

i love her very much but I'm so hurt and frustrated.

I just wanted to vent thoughts around this and I sort of feel a bit better typing it.

I probably can't fix myself and will CTB by Fent or drowning soon regardless.

Have you ever felt similar feelings about doing it so someone understands they hurt you etc?

 

[summers]

Trust me, it hurts parents way more for you to just cut them out of your life than to kill yourself.

 

[nopride86]

I resonate with this so much. My advice would be to make sure you don't ctb purely out of spite. If your mom is too dense to understand how she is hurting you now, she probably won't understand (or will invalidate) her role in your passing.

Trust me, it hurts parents way more for you to just cut them out of your life than to kill yourself.

Yep. My mom would rather I be dead than estranged. Even if I tried to just go NC she would put my face all over the news, involve all types of law enforcement, and even try to have me committed or placed under her care.
That's a huge part of why I'm planning to CTB. It's the lesser of two evils for my enmeshed family dynamic.

 

[Trezzohno]

Its like you took the words right out of my mouth. Am in the exact same position with my mother

 

[summers]

Yep. My mom would rather I be dead than estranged. Even if I tried to just go NC she would put my face all over the news, involve all types of law enforcement, and even try to have me committed or placed under her care.
That's a huge part of why I'm planning to CTB. It's the lesser of two evils for my enmeshed family dynamic.

If you are 18, that is harassment. You can actually preempt her violations of your freedoms by making a statement to the police, and making sure they record what you say and there is a copy on file with them.

Basically, you would say your mother is unstable, and has threatened to lie to the police and medical providers if you try to leave. You could also give them an approximate date for your departure, and let them know you will contact them to confirm when you leave. With all this, your mother wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You could also let her know (probably best right before you leave) what you told the police, and if she contacts them, she would be arrested for making false statements.

Of course, this all goes out the window if you are financially reliant on her, and not willing to just up and leave. If that's the case, sorry to say, she owns you.

 

[jupiterwinds]

Yes, I relate. My mom has pretended to be supportive my whole life but is actually selfish, immature, toxically positive, and in denial about my disabilities and basically her entire reality.

She won't make any kind of compromises or sacrifices to get me out of a bad situation with my ex and give me a safe place to live because I'm too sick to support myself and high risk for COVID but she doesn't want to spend less time running around time and hanging out in her yoga cult. She won't apologize and gaslights me now that I'm finally calling her out after she's lied and ignored my feelings for years and has shown she doesn't truly care about me.

Sometimes I want to tell her a big part of why I want to CTB is her. That she won't help support me, won't protect me, has always passed me off to doctors and psych professionals and hospitals to "fix me" instead of trying to be there for me and spending time with me and being real with me. Sometimes I wonder if she knew how badly I wanted to die, it might change something, but the risk of another psych hospitalization is way too high. She won't see the larger issue and will try to therapy and medicate it out of me yet again when that doesn't help and is my worst fear right now (being traumatized more for no reason and getting COVID in that setting since I'm high risk).

Anyway, I get it, and it's really hard. I wish we could change parents. I wish we could make them care and do right by us. But that's not always possible. My dad is neglectful and won't help me either but at least he never claimed he was trying to.

 

[Cryptonite]

I feel I understand you. I have one bad trait and that is sadly being very revengful. In my case, I was hurt by both parents and doctors (who misdiagnosed me), and wanting them to understand how much they've hurt me is on my mind 24/7. But what is important to realize that getting an apology changes absolutely nothing. I have talked to my mom about her laxity in taking me to medical appointments, as well as to doctors. I've sent countless complaints to many institutions about their malpractice. The doctors didn't apologize and rejected all the complaints, while my mom feels genuinely apologetic for her actions. And I can say I still blame her as much as I did before, just as much as I blame the doctors who did not apologize at all.

So my advice to you is: don't waste your time trying to get an apology. Put this in the back of your mind and focus on the therapy or CTB, because apology will probably get you nowhere.

 

[jamie_]

I relate to this but with my former lover. I just wanted a sorry for letting you down. I wanted her to realise what she's done. but i think i delude myself in believing i would do it out of spite but the truth is that's just an excuse i do it out of grieving her but grieving my former life and who i once was as everything has been lost. she is one of those people who will never do so. even if i died and she was to learn about it it wouldn't change that at all