escitalopram, suicidal ideation up, anxiety down

[Contraband]

so i've been taking lexapro for 3 weeks now. i've noticed that i'm more than ever thinking about my death, but now in a calculated and organized way. there is nothing impulsive about it, and i think as an effect of the anxiety relief, i don't feel fearful of my death. i haven't slept much since i started.

"normal" people would likely say this is because of declining mental health, sleep deprivation, and spending more time on this website. there may an element of truth to that but that doesn't dismiss the way i feel. it's a massive relief feeling so determined and calm about it, but it's equally tragic. i'm fine with this outcome but part of me wishes that i could have this effect but with rebuilding my life. but i'm fine with this outcome.

social isolation and the unbearable weight of life, paired with how far i've allowed my life to collapse makes me feel like this will be an ideal choice.

is this unhinged? maybe.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

Could also be the medication making you more suicidal.

Some antidepressants can do that. Have you tried talking to your care provider about it?

Also, 3 weeks is kinda on the low side when I was taking SSRIs even my psych told me to wait for at least 6 to 8 weeks for noticeable changes depression-wise.

But if you think the medication is making you more this or more that it's prob best to talk to the person who prescribed it about it they might just switch it out for something else.

 

[Contraband]

Could also be the medication making you more suicidal.

Some antidepressants can do that. Have you tried talking to your care provider about it?

Also, 3 weeks is kinda on the low side when I was taking SSRIs even my psych told me to wait for at least 6 to 8 weeks for noticeable changes depression-wise.

But if you think the medication is making you more this or more that it's prob best to talk to the person who prescribed it about it they might just switch it out for something else.

absolutely. in the warnings it specifically goes over this and says to report it and stop taking the medication. i know the right thing would be to do just that. is it wrong that i'm quite comfortable with this outcome though?

 

[QueerMelancholy]

absolutely. in the warnings it specifically goes over this and says to report it and stop taking the medication. i know the right thing would be to do just that. is it wrong that i'm quite comfortable with this outcome though?

It's not a one size fits all kinda thing. Can take lots of trial and error to figure it out if that makes any sense.

Don't be ashamed about it just tell them you think the med isn't working and be honest about it. Doctors don't want us to suffer from medications. They usually just give you something else.

 

[Bed]

i agree with @QueerMelancholy. suicide risk after starting a new anti-depressant is higher in the first month. i'd try to wait a few months for it to reach it's full effects, if the side effects/suicidality is too much to handle you should talk to your psychiatrist. they won't put you in a ward for expressing suicidal thoughts. a different medication could be useful.
i've personally had to stop certain anti-depressants due to them increasing my suicidal thoughts.