reiII
maybe there's something more
- Dec 5, 2023
- 55
well. time is a weird loopy creature.
my favourite person i think has moved on from me to a new group of friends.
but that's just the thing. i think. that doesn't mean it's true. i've gotten reassurance multiple times.
but i know in my heart there's an ounce of truth to it. no one wants to spend an incredible amount of time comforting me when i'm being a baby. i know it makes you uncomfortable, and i could never blame you for that. i wish i could believe you once and for all. but i also wish you had never told me all those kind things. i wish you never met me so i didn't burden you. maybe you will one day see this pathetic string of threads. i hope not.
i wish that i wasn't so tired like this. i could join you too and have fun. but i don't honestly believe anyone would benefit from my presence! i wish it wasn't so.
i think i'm beginning to distance myself from you. when i am binge watching stuff on netflix i stop thinking about everything. it feels good. it feels good not to constantly agonize about the ludicrous fear im not good enough for you anymore. to be jealous and hinder you from being happy. maybe this is what needs to happen so you can be happy.
i think CTB is the greatest favour i could grant anyone unfortunate enough to be close to me in this state. that's why i want to do it. im afraid of what i will do to people i love. i also barely try anymore. with school. future.
there's a little part of me that wants to be better but this disorder will always be a part of me. can't stand that.
a couple years ago whenever i started to go manic i would cut. then my mind would only think about the blood and be horrified at itself. it worked. it was a quick fix. my mind entered a numb state for hours afterward. i might resume it. but i fear how far i will go with an actual tool. all i had back then was dull blades.
as always... thank you for listening to me fellow readers. i cannot push you all away, at least
remember fujin is epic
my favourite person i think has moved on from me to a new group of friends.
but that's just the thing. i think. that doesn't mean it's true. i've gotten reassurance multiple times.
but i know in my heart there's an ounce of truth to it. no one wants to spend an incredible amount of time comforting me when i'm being a baby. i know it makes you uncomfortable, and i could never blame you for that. i wish i could believe you once and for all. but i also wish you had never told me all those kind things. i wish you never met me so i didn't burden you. maybe you will one day see this pathetic string of threads. i hope not.
i wish that i wasn't so tired like this. i could join you too and have fun. but i don't honestly believe anyone would benefit from my presence! i wish it wasn't so.
i think i'm beginning to distance myself from you. when i am binge watching stuff on netflix i stop thinking about everything. it feels good. it feels good not to constantly agonize about the ludicrous fear im not good enough for you anymore. to be jealous and hinder you from being happy. maybe this is what needs to happen so you can be happy.
i think CTB is the greatest favour i could grant anyone unfortunate enough to be close to me in this state. that's why i want to do it. im afraid of what i will do to people i love. i also barely try anymore. with school. future.
there's a little part of me that wants to be better but this disorder will always be a part of me. can't stand that.
a couple years ago whenever i started to go manic i would cut. then my mind would only think about the blood and be horrified at itself. it worked. it was a quick fix. my mind entered a numb state for hours afterward. i might resume it. but i fear how far i will go with an actual tool. all i had back then was dull blades.
as always... thank you for listening to me fellow readers. i cannot push you all away, at least
remember fujin is epic
