Venting Envy is gonna be the death of me

[FERAL_FRENZY]

Envy, jealousy, hatred—whatever you wanna call it. One of these days I am gonna reach for the nearest sharp object and slit my fucking throat wide open. I'm so tired of seeing people get the treatment I've been craving for over a decade. I'm sick of aimlessly sitting on the sidelines thinking, "When is it gonna be my turn?" whenever I see someone living the life I've always wanted. Why couldn't someone reach out and help me before things took a turn for the worse??? Back when I was just a kid struggling to make sense of the harsh realities of the world I live in?? I've fucking had it. It's as if the universe's just further egging me on to end it or something. It triggers the fuck out of me whenever I see someone getting treated right, and it makes me sick with myself. The jealousy burns away so fiercely in my chest that it feels like it'll seize up and give out on me. It's suffocating. It fucking hurts unlike anything I've ever felt before. It swallows me whole and the sensation refuses to budge, regardless of how hard I try to distract myself. It clings to me like sweat and it's so fucking grimy and gross that I just wanna toss myself from the highest ledge I can find so that I don't have to deal with it anymore. It wasn't always this bad before but it seems I've hit a new low. I just want it to end already. It feels like this is all just one big inside joke that I'm not a part of.

I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to see conventionally attractive people on the TL bitching and moaning about minuscule flaws that I could only DREAM of having. I wish I was deaf so I wouldn't have to hear the disdain and resentment in my mother's voice whenever I attempt to confide in her about my ever-growing mountain of troubles. If I were to lose control over my limbs the very next day, I would no longer have to worry about being unable to draw as well as my peers. If I died, I'd no longer be plagued by memories of all my wrongdoings and all the harm that's been inflicted upon me. I could just be at peace for once. I'm an insomniac, and my chances of finally getting a good night's sleep are on par with my chances of winning the lottery. NEXT TO FUCKING NONE. I'm not religious, so at least I don't have to worry about "burning in hell for all of eternity" for potentially managing to end it all. I like to think that permanently fading out of consciousness feels like the beginning of a nice, long, tranquil nap. One I'll never have to wake up from.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Brave of you to invite constructive criticism. I would not have expected that from you. Also brave to try to be more self-aware in the face of seeing critique of yourself. That's admirable. I ask my own therapist for that lol.
Props for trying to better yourself by getting and reflecting on perspective

 

[eatantz]

I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to see conventionally attractive people on the TL bitching and moaning about minuscule flaws that I could only DREAM of having. I wish I was deaf so I wouldn't have to hear the disdain and resentment in my mother's voice whenever I attempt to confide in her about my ever-growing mountain of troubles. If I were to lose control over my limbs the very next day, I would no longer have to worry about being unable to draw as well as my peers. If I died, I'd no longer be plagued by memories of all my wrongdoings and all the harm that's been inflicted upon me. I could just be at peace for once.

Holy shit this is the most relatable post I've ever read. You've perfectly explained how I feel wow. I struggle to explain my emotions but this is perfect, thank you. Its sad that other people experience these feelings, if i could change one thing about my personality it would be my jealousy, its disgusting and painful.

 

[jarik]

I understand you