Envious

[Wyldfyre4948]

I envy everyone who has been able to go through with it and successfully ctb. The amount of strength it takes to be able to do that is far more than they will ever receive credit for. They will be labeled as cowards and weak. People will say they "took the easy way out" without knowing how hard it is. My uncle killed himself and I still think he is horrible, but only because he took other innocent lives prior to his own.

My feelings towards everyone who has ctb is also because they no longer suffer or feel pain that the living do. They have moved on beyond this plane of existence to paradise. Having everything necessary doesn't mean the story is over either. Others like myself struggle with being ready but not being ready. For months I was ready and yet here I am typing this.

Everything sucks here and there isn't any joy to be had. Thinking about the time I've spent on here and the people I've talked to that aren't here anymore is bittersweet. How I long to join them and others I've lost in my life. I pray that I get a terminal disease that leaves me with a year or less, but that is a fairytale. It would be a miracle to have the burden of my own death taken from me. Sure I could just decide to try recovery, but I don't think there is anything left here for me.

Despite praying every night my faith has never wavered so much before. This year has taken so much from me and that is why I envy those who have already passed. I wish I could find the strength and courage that they had to make that final leap.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also really envy those who manage to cease existing on their own terms, to me those who no longer exist are the only fortunate ones as they are at peace, it comforts me so much the thought of being dead with this existence completely forgotten about.

I wish suicide actually is straightforward, it's dreadful how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die, those who go on about suicide being an "easy way" are either ignorant or lying.