Makes no sense but I'm actually upset at this moment that the universe put me and my younger sister together, the two of us siblings, me her older brother in my mid 30s now, a tiring life of clinical depression and generalised anxiety. She means the world to me, and I'm actually upset right now that she does, she's very easy to love, a wonderful person. If it wasn't for her, I think I could peace out out of here. Not saying it would be easy either way. My 2 parents, who I live with, and who are supporting me...my mum has been tricky since childhood as she has exasperated a lot of the mental illness strongly through religion, christianity while growing up. She's much more understanding and expressing of love nowadays on the whole but is definitely experiencing some mental health issues of her own. My dad...a good man, has not always understood my situation, but his unconditional love has always been felt. I love them both, a lot. But for some fucking reason...I have this super close relationship with my younger sister. Why couldn't I have been indifferent, a person who didn't give a fuck, or was distant, it's against my nature, which is a curse.
I often search out, read, and watch videos regarding the last notes or feelings of suicide victims/survivors, how they felt others around them would be better off without them. Why can't I get these fucking feelings. Not saying my presence is of particular value to this world, but I know my family would not think that they're better off without me. I know they love me. For my parents, as much as I love them and likewise, I could possibly do it. But my relationship with my sister is completely different, it's almost a curse at this point. What the fuck. This life has taken advantage of my caring nature, I think a lot of us here are sensitive to the (often cruel) nature of this world and are 'good' people. We both have found ourselves together in the same family, and fucked me over by giving me something precious in this shitshow world. I'm not completely cynical, there's plenty of beauty in this world, for many to enjoy, but it can be extremely cruel as well for some of us who seem to have proved to be unlucky, a mutual sentiment shared unfortunately here, despite constantly trying to overcome. I'm not a defeatist person, I'm always trying to be positive, but I get knocked down continuously by my fucking brain, and this life. Why couldn't she have been unlikeable, or indifferent to me. I am relieved and grateful she doesn't have the same condition as me, and is doing well overall.
The other major fear of not committing for what it's worth, I used to have a much greater fear of hell and eternal damnation growing up as a strong christian, as consequence for those that commit suicide - the irony of a loving god condemning you to eternal fire for being in so much pain that you felt forced to take your own life to try and escape pain, being between a rock and a hard place to put it lightly. I still have a tiny but solid faith as pretty much agnostic, but really feel all the manifestations of pain and apparent spiritual experiences, 'revelations' and realisations as limited to my brain.
Others over the years have shown admiration for the relationship my sister and I have...for me, at this point, I can't believe it's almost become a curse. Would do anything for her, but she's inadvertently keeping me in this world. How could I devastate her. And so I carry on. She's the most valuable person to me, hopefully going to marry her boyfriend soon in the next few years, and have a family. Until I can find a way to exit without suicide. When you wish for cancer or a terminal disease, as bad and debilitating, painful, hopeless, cruel as it is, you know things are fucked. I'm sorry for those here who have this. Life can be so fleeting for some who deperately want to be here, would give mine in an instant.
I really fucking wish I had no-one. Truly. Really wish the immediate people in my life hated me, or were indifferent, or even were not super close. Isn't that crazy, it's become a curse. Not super popular, don't have many close friends nowadays. Have some good cousins, aunties and uncles. Unfortunately have a very close family member. I hope she never reads this.
Thanks for listening. Anyone in a similar situation?
I often search out, read, and watch videos regarding the last notes or feelings of suicide victims/survivors, how they felt others around them would be better off without them. Why can't I get these fucking feelings. Not saying my presence is of particular value to this world, but I know my family would not think that they're better off without me. I know they love me. For my parents, as much as I love them and likewise, I could possibly do it. But my relationship with my sister is completely different, it's almost a curse at this point. What the fuck. This life has taken advantage of my caring nature, I think a lot of us here are sensitive to the (often cruel) nature of this world and are 'good' people. We both have found ourselves together in the same family, and fucked me over by giving me something precious in this shitshow world. I'm not completely cynical, there's plenty of beauty in this world, for many to enjoy, but it can be extremely cruel as well for some of us who seem to have proved to be unlucky, a mutual sentiment shared unfortunately here, despite constantly trying to overcome. I'm not a defeatist person, I'm always trying to be positive, but I get knocked down continuously by my fucking brain, and this life. Why couldn't she have been unlikeable, or indifferent to me. I am relieved and grateful she doesn't have the same condition as me, and is doing well overall.
The other major fear of not committing for what it's worth, I used to have a much greater fear of hell and eternal damnation growing up as a strong christian, as consequence for those that commit suicide - the irony of a loving god condemning you to eternal fire for being in so much pain that you felt forced to take your own life to try and escape pain, being between a rock and a hard place to put it lightly. I still have a tiny but solid faith as pretty much agnostic, but really feel all the manifestations of pain and apparent spiritual experiences, 'revelations' and realisations as limited to my brain.
Others over the years have shown admiration for the relationship my sister and I have...for me, at this point, I can't believe it's almost become a curse. Would do anything for her, but she's inadvertently keeping me in this world. How could I devastate her. And so I carry on. She's the most valuable person to me, hopefully going to marry her boyfriend soon in the next few years, and have a family. Until I can find a way to exit without suicide. When you wish for cancer or a terminal disease, as bad and debilitating, painful, hopeless, cruel as it is, you know things are fucked. I'm sorry for those here who have this. Life can be so fleeting for some who deperately want to be here, would give mine in an instant.
I really fucking wish I had no-one. Truly. Really wish the immediate people in my life hated me, or were indifferent, or even were not super close. Isn't that crazy, it's become a curse. Not super popular, don't have many close friends nowadays. Have some good cousins, aunties and uncles. Unfortunately have a very close family member. I hope she never reads this.
Thanks for listening. Anyone in a similar situation?
Last edited:
