Enough is enough

[annxietty]

Its been a long time since Ive posted anything on here, but lately Im realizing more and more that there is nothing I can do to stop thinking about dying and self harming, how much I hate myself, how much I dislike others, how much I want everything and everyone to just stop whatever there is going on... Does it make sense? Whatever Im writing... Im living in a better environment, Im fighting everyday every second my agoraphobia, Im fighting and I mean it... changed my meds and it helped a little but I dont have a psychologist or a psychiatrist and I dont have money to get one privately... Changing environments was difficult and Ive never in my life experienced something as terrifying as that... Ive made multiple posts about it before... My sister, she is trying but sometimes, how can I explain it? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us? Ive come to realize that everyone has issues, but they dont think, they are empty but feel superior because while Im fighting depression and anxiety, they are ok, with issues, but ok, not like me, not like us, they are better because they dont stop living to think about their issues or simply about life, my sister has many issues but she is the pride or my mother and father because even tho she hates them she keeps on living without being a burden and now she is letting me live in her house, a caring sister, how many times Ive heard that now Im not a burden because Im with my sister, that now my parents can finally live their lives because Im not there, finally Im not a problem, and all thanks to my sister... yay... My sister loves to argue, and her husband agrees with everything except the things she says against him, when they argue I leave the room and let them talk things out because I shouldnt say anything, right? When she argues with me, telling me all the things I do wrong, all the things I say that are wrong, there it is!, her husband agreeing with her, comparing me with other people (people I dislike btw), OH how I want to scream when this happens (almost daily), shut up shut up shut the fuck up........ SHUT UP......... Why no one is on my side? Why everything I do is wrong? My sister says things my dad says, Im reliving things, IM.... oh god, I dont want to die but I want to kill myself and let them know, let them know... that Im still alive because other people, and I want to die because other people, who are we? are our ideas even ours? no, they are not... Once you think about it the thought sticks to you and never lets you go, Im happy and there it is, almost like a ghost, something you see at the corner of your eye, "I want to dissappear" "I want to cut" "I want to die" and even "I want to kill" there it is, and there it will be all your life. Two paths are open, kill yourself or keep on living, and I fucking hate both of them. There is no cure, Im trying, more than I can ever show with words or actions, my sister says "talk to me" people often say that bullshit but they dont want to hear the truth, so many things are wrong with her, my sister, so many things she forces herself to not view, and I admire that, she is so strong I often think she stole things from me, because Im not brave like my father or mother, but she is, she is fucking strong, Im weak. Lately Ive been thinking how the people around me never support my hobbies, so I abandon them or I get afraid of talking about them, my mother would often attack me with things I liked (books) she often said "you read so much but you dont know anything" so I slowly stopped reading, now I wanted to start reading again so I bought some books with my birthday money and my sister told me "you spent money on books? dont even dare come talk to me about not having money (which I never do btw) and of course dont talk to me about the books you read because I dont care"... 4 books 10 euros, its a good deal right? right?
Whoever reads all this thank you, I know I will commit suicide, but not today and not tomorrow, not the day after, or the day after the day after... maybe after I explode, and end up on the streets, and make everyone hate me, I will stop talking with my mother because, as my sister said, she is the origin of all my suffering, then I will stop talking with my dad because he is a monster and he will stop sending me money I guess, then I will stop talking with my sister because I hate that she gave me this chance... and then I will be able to die and break them all... huh I deserve all the bad things that come to me, that come to my mind...

 

[Lynx.]

Its been a long time since Ive posted anything on here, but lately Im realizing more and more that there is nothing I can do to stop thinking about dying and self harming, how much I hate myself, how much I dislike others, how much I want everything and everyone to just stop whatever there is going on... Does it make sense?

I think it does make sense - or at least to me at a personal level. My dislike of others comes from the harmful actions and habits that they have, along with the expectations they have of how I must be: I cannot even be miserable all by myself because I'm surrounded by others, such as my family. As much as I appreciate them, having to endure criticisms and expectations is dreadful.
My hatred for myself comes from showing some of the same harmful behaviours I see on others, and also from the fact that I'm a complete waste of skin - I do not belong on this planet, I'd rather isolate myself for the rest of my existence if I had the means.

My sister, she is trying but sometimes, how can I explain it? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us? Ive come to realize that everyone has issues, but they dont think, they are empty but feel superior because while Im fighting depression and anxiety, they are ok, with issues, but ok

I think most people are broken but they don't pay much attention to the underlying condition that makes them so - if they did, they'd have to start questioning the inherent value of their life - and that's a big no no: it's too scary. Those who realize how broken and empty they are will inevitably end up in a position such as ours... Or at least that's what I think: I have nothing to base this on other than my own observations and ramblings, which are not worth much. As humans we are difficult to deal with, it's why connections and bonds are so hard - each one of us is empty in one way or another.

oh god, I dont want to die but I want to kill myself and let them know, let them know... that Im still alive because other people, and I want to die because other people, who are we? are our ideas even ours? no, they are not... Once you think about it the thought sticks to you and never lets you go, Im happy and there it is, almost like a ghost, something you see at the corner of your eye, "I want to dissappear" "I want to cut" "I want to die" and even "I want to kill" there it is, and there it will be all your life. Two paths are open, kill yourself or keep on living, and I fucking hate both of them.

I fully relate to this whole parahraph here... The two paths seem dreadful and horrible to me.

The best thing for me would be to never have been born at all...

Lately Ive been thinking how the people around me never support my hobbies, so I abandon them or I get afraid of talking about them, my mother would often attack me with things I liked (books) she often said "you read so much but you dont know anything" so I slowly stopped reading, now I wanted to start reading again so I bought some books with my birthday money and my sister told me "you spent money on books? dont even dare come talk to me about not having money (which I never do btw) and of course dont talk to me about the books you read because I dont care"... 4 books 10 euros, its a good deal right? right?

My father used to be a dick about me reading a lot of books in the past - he expressed things similar to what your mother said to you. In my case, it was something along the lines of "you know so much theory but nothing of use", which made me feel useless at the time.

I didn't read in order to gain knowledge on things, although sometimes that would eventually happen too - I just read as a form of escapism. Nowadays I can't even concentrate, and my brainfog is limiting as hell, so I barely read - or if I do, I start a book and never finish it, somehow. Back in the day I would read as much as I could, now even escapism seems like a chore.

Whoever reads all this thank you, I know I will commit suicide, but not today and not tomorrow, not the day after, or the day after the day after... maybe after I explode, and end up on the streets, and make everyone hate me, I will stop talking with my mother because, as my sister said, she is the origin of all my suffering, then I will stop talking with my dad because he is a monster and he will stop sending me money I guess, then I will stop talking with my sister because I hate that she gave me this chance... and then I will be able to die and break them all... huh I deserve all the bad things that come to me, that come to my mind...

It's awful that the situation turned out like that - nobody should go through this, especially when it comes to family. I'm sorry.

You deserve a lot of hugs. ♥