enjoying life while still wanting to die is odd

[LaNausée]

I've always been a deeply passionate person, and no matter how depressed I am I have the ability to be touched by pretty much anything. So many little things fascinate me and make me happy, and it sometimes feels like I'm just an endless well of either wildly negative or positive emotion.
It sort of bothers me, because despite the moments bringing me genuine happiness, they have no bearing on my feelings on living like they're "supposed" to. I can't "live for" anything, they just make me happy. And I know that has value in of itself, but I can tell everyone around me takes my mental health less seriously whenever they see me get hyper about something silly and constantly fixate on a new thing every week. I can't help myself- why should I limit what little joy I have to force myself into the stereotype of being "actually" depressed? But I feel tempted sometimes, because I just want to present my emotions in a clinical, normal way for once.
I love going out, I love fashion, I love my pets and my friends and hobbies— but in the end, I'm not happy being alive, and that has never changed despite years of new relationships, environments, opportunities, meds and therapy.
I want people around me to get it, and get me, but it feels like any attempt I make to connect only confuses everyone more- and it just gets worse the more honest I am. I tried writing a note earlier, but it came out complete gibberish. :c I just want to live without feeling like a walking contradiction.
So yeah, I'd love to hear others thoughts on the things that they care about in this world! I feel like there's so much emphasis on viewing the things you care about as a sort of anchor on your life, but not a lot of discussion outside that.

 

[logi3535]

i get it ! ive been feeling this way for a while now, it feels like being in a state of limbo, there's some things that just make you happy but it isn't substantial enough for you to want to stay and thrive, at least thats how it feels for me. I love animals and sometimes i have hobbies that interest me and make me wonder if i had a life dedicated to that hobby, only for that motivation to fade after only a week

i don't think anyone has to look and sound and feel depressed 24/7 just to know that they're depressed, little things can still make you happy or laugh or just having fun in general, and i think thats ok :D i get that all the time, feeling happy and feeling miserable and overwhelmed and all the yucky feelings that go with depression can co-exist i think

also that last part about writing something lengthy only to throw it away is very relatable, i don't know why it always ends up like that but sometimes i guess we just decide it isn't worth it, its very conflicting at the very least

 

[darkest]

I relate to the two of you a whole lot! especially with hyper-fixating over something that gives me purpose only for all that to fade in a week. I've had so many different hyper-fixations that I obsessed with until I got sick of them that I feel like I lost the passion in everything, currently stuck in a state where I'm not fixated on anything atm and trying to find something to fill this void that's swallowing me whole, previous hyper-fixations just aren't doing it for me anymore.
Yet when I do have one, I turn into a kid that can't stop obsessing over this one thing, and it makes me question if I'm even depressed or somehow feeling these shitty feelings for attention ( which comes from my mum telling me that, and that I've always been a spoiled kid and whatnot :/ )

adding to that, there's my BPD that does make me a living walking contradiction, it's exhausting.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I can relate to this. It isn't that I can't feel joy or see beauty in things. Which calls in to question (for me,) whether I am actually even depressed.

For me, it's more that everything nice costs money. Even when you don't spend a lot on an activity- you simply go for a walk say- you need to have earnt enough to spare that time off of work. You have to be careful not to tire yourself out so much that it impacts the next day at work. Plus, I'm generally either working or, worrying about work.

My 'problem' is how life itself is set up. I'm tired of life being dictated by work but then, I've made it that way for myself too. My job is creative and, being creative has always been a coping mechanism.

There are still solutions of course. Work in a job you enjoy- I do. Or, at least, I did. It's still the best job for me. But it's nature is massively precarious, time consuming and, underpaid. Besides, I've tried variations on a theme. Jobs that are more secure but still keeping up being creative as a hobby. I just don't think anything will work now and I'm just so tired of trying.

So, it's like- I can still enjoy things but, I don't want to pay for them! I don't want others to pay for them for me either. The guilt would sour the experience there.

Really, I just see life as a subscription service that my parents signed me up for. Where, I like maybe some of the content here and there but, it's way too expensive to be worthwhile and it's really difficult to unsubscribe from. It's like being saddled with really heavy weights and told to walk up a huge hill. There might be a few nice flowers dotted about but overall, you wish you'd never started the journey.

 

[cait_sith]

I don't think it's a contradiction. I get happy moments too but it will never be in proportion to my pain. I am not able to give those moments so much value that they make my suffering worthwhile.

 

[depthss]

i get that, i have a lot of things that i really love and that really interests me, i think im quite passionate as well.
i dont see any of these things as reasons to stay alive, because nothing will really matter once im dead lol, i just wont care about anything. i enjoy things, but they dont make me want to live