Endlessly repeating myself

[inaminute]

I'm 46m
Sexually abused for 6 years as a child
Blocked it all away until I was about 24 and had a huge memory release I jailed the guy in 2001.
I didn't realise a crime had been committed against me - I thought it was "normal"
Married 3 times.
I told my now wife last night I have SN following the fallout of me discovering she has been texting her ex about paternity, which I'm ok with but the messages started to evolve into quote reactions - emoticons love hearts "xx" at the end of each message, likes sad faces big blue to denote - well according to her its "our" boy - forget the 15 years I've raised him.

I gave her a choice me or him or at least quit the over friendly conversation or I leave.

Yesterday was wife's 40th I ruined that because I couldn't resist looking at her phone to find these gut wrenching messages.

I'm more intent to kill myself now, she has reduced my world significantly over the years she turned my words against me and I'm wrong for looking.

She told her ex about my mental health issues which translates to "my husband is weak of mind"

I told her I've been suicidal again for about 3 months but I've masked it until last night, I decided to come clean and tell her about SN, Law, the mechanism of how SN kills quicky through hypoxia hypotension, methemoglobinemia, and death (she's a nurse) and I posited that she never came clean and wouldn't have had I not found she messages which I copied to my phone and will form the foundation of my death note.

I told her that her lack of communication is deafening, I told her that I want to die and it's clear, not because of my discovery but because my illness just, well, in her words makes me a toxic person.

So Feb 16th 2024 will be my last day in this earth. I will leave behind 5 children, 3 of whom I can't speak to because they're from past marriages and my wives from them either cheated or wanted me as a mantle piece ornament.

I'm going to Coventry today to see her family so she can keep her materialistic stance going by recieving presents and I am taking my SN with me.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for being here despite we are suicidal we share something that irl I have nothing to share with any real person.

Much love to you all.

 

[Sleeper System]

It sounds like you've lived a full and exausting life up until this point.
Giving your wife the ultimatum was fair but I think that was a hollow gesture.
(could be wrong but It seems you have felt suicidal for awhile and just looking for a good reason)

The situation with your kids is fucked up. Always is for men in those situations but nobody wants
to talk about it. Your kids are your kids. That 15 year commitment was never yours to make as what is happening now was always a possibility. That was never your kid. That was always going to be made clear at some point. but you were a stand up man and did the right thing by that person regardless. If they can't appreciate that then its their failure of character not yours. Fuck them.

 

[inaminute]

It sounds like you've lived a full and exausting life up until this point.
Giving your wife the ultimatum was fair but I think that was a hollow gesture.
(could be wrong but It seems you have felt suicidal for awhile and just looking for a good reason)

The situation with your kids is fucked up. Always is for men in those situations but nobody wants
to talk about it. Your kids are your kids. That 15 year commitment was never yours to make as what is happening now was always a possibility. That was never your kid. That was always going to be made clear at some point. but you were a stand up man and did the right thing by that person regardless. If they can't appreciate that then its their failure of character not yours. Fuck them.

Thank you for hearing me

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace. Good luck!