TheLastGreySky
Specialist
- Nov 24, 2023
- 349
So, for a little bit of background, I fell in love in 2020 with the most amazing woman I have ever met. I still think about her,
however, early the next year I went to prison, and she stayed with me through most of the incarceration.
I actually got out for 13 days in 2021, however I was struggling to find any footing that December and needless to say, I was extremely stressed. On top of that I was divorced by my ex wife of 12 years during my time out.
Well, I found out... that there was a lot of cheating and I snapped. Everything just broke in me, and I treated her like shit during most of our time together
and I even struck her with a door in my carelessness, It was not on purpose, I was going to leave because I was having an anxiety attack and she was behind the door,
but given the circumstances, I understand why she doesn't believe me. Anyway... she eventually broke up with me and I did my sentence.
I started talking with her recently because I have never felt this way about anyone else, and at the very least I want to see or hear her voice one more time before
I end my life. She's told me a lot of her reasonings for why she did what she did and I've come to realize that I really hurt her and said A LOT of terrible things that still bother her.
I have had several relationships since her, I even had a woman sell me a car that I was dating, so I know it's not about what this woman can do for me, I love HER for HER.
From her giggle to little quirks. And I hate being honest with myself, because I know that I'm not capable of loving anyone half as much as I still love her.
I remember the little things like her singing in the shower, and it kills me... my brain never shuts off.
I would move the heavens and the earth for her, just to see her smile again. But, I said heartless and pretty cruel things. And well, frankly,
I don't deserve her.
And I wish I wasn't still waiting for this check that's coming within 6 or 8 weeks, so I could just hang myself and stop being such a worthless stain.
In my whole existence I was only happy being with her and making her smile and laugh. Our love making transcended physical pleasures that were even greater than my best Mushroom trip.
I don't want to tell her directly, but even if she doesn't want to see me again, I have to drop off some money for her because she bailed me out and that still keeps me up at night. I fucked up in so many ways, and if there's one person on the planet who's opinion I care about it's hers.
I wanted to post this partially to vent, but also partially to be a part of the community before I go.
I'm scared of getting older, and I'm scared of never seeing her again. And I guess, I'm an idiot hoping for a miracle.
I really can't go on living if no one believes in me anymore. I need to make this right. But, I know deep down, that I'm already dead
and that no one gives a single fuck if I dropped dead tonight.
*I was told that this doesn't belong in recovery, so I'm posting it here.
