Myheart4U
New Member
- Nov 3, 2025
- 1
Writing this because I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and feel pretty lost. I've always thought about my future and growing old has always been rather unappealing. I feel like I just want to have fun and die young, but everyone always treats suicide as a taboo subject and it's lead me to believe I have to invalidate these thoughts and ignore them. Thing is, lately it's been getting harder to do that. Every year I think more and more about how easy it would be to just disappear and not have to face any more problems. I've done a lot of self reflection in the past couple of months to try and understand why I'm feeling this way. I think I figured out the main reasons and I'm going to go through them here.
By far, I think my loneliness is the biggest reason for this. As of current, I have no irl friends and spend most my time in my room. I talk to a group of people online (I don't think I can call them friends), but apart from one it doesn't really feel like I'm talking to a person. Most of them just ask me for things, but I kind of have myself to blame for that because I never share anything about myself or ask anything about them. I find it hard to actually talk to people even across a screen. I'm always scared of what they might think about me or saying the wrong things. I had few friends throughout my teenage years and those relationships never lasted long or amounted to much. I barely spoke to them despite wanting to. I feel like I lived life as a ghost, people who notice me fading in and out, but none of them ever stay. I had one "girlfriend" in highschool. I don't know why she started talking to me, but she was really nice and cute and I still managed to start ignoring her within a week and the relationship fizzled out quickly. It was kinda awkward because she still had a class with me lol. My friend thinks I do shit like that because I'm afraid of having my feelings hurt, so I rather cut people off before they can cut me off. I think I really latched onto that idea in my younger teenage years around middle school. I never was really bullied myself, but I saw it happen to other people. So, I guess I wanted to make a premptive decision to protect myself by just being invisible. I tried to convince myself that I preferred to be alone and that I didn't need anyone. I think the first time the facade started to crack was my graduation. Everyone had friends there to congratulate them on the senior walk-out. I had no one. I've given up trying to talk to people and make friends. Finding the right people is just so hard.
I hate my past self more than anyone. I'm left with shit social skills and constant paranoia talking to people. I can't get a real job and I'm always too uncomfortable to talk to people to get help. I never got to explore my identity. I would always think that I had to act like a guy and I couldn't like anything 'too gay'. I guess that's partly because I don't want to disappoint my parents. Thinking back, I've always had a longing to be female and it's not really something recent. It's just that I've always suppressed those thoughts and dismissed them as perverted fantasies. Recently, though, I've really started to hate my body and I obsess over my features everytime I look in the mirror. I never cut myself and I don't think I'll be starting anytime soon, but last year I would get pretty angry with the way I looked and scratch myself. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore to preserve my body and I've only really drew blood once this year. I tried to masculinize myself for a year, working out, trying to look 'cool'. My body is pathetic, though. I barely gained any muscle and overall it made me feel even shittier about myself. Every time I think about myself as a girl, I feel like I'd be so much happier. I wouldn't have the expectations of a guy placed on me. I could be fun and expressive and free. I might go on HRT soon, but I'm scared about what it'll do to me, about what my parents think, and if it'll even make me happy. My friend told me I should wait, but I read that between 22-25 years is when many changes don't take place as effectively such as wider hips, etc. I'm getting close to that range so I feel like I have to make a decision now. I'm scared I'll regret it, but I might also regret not doing it. It's a stupid thought because the answer is obvious. I think I really should just start it. I think I could boymode for a while to hide it from my parents. I'm not exactly sure what they would do if they found out, but I think they would definitely be against it. Though, two of my sisters have already come out as lesbian. I feel like to them, being transgender would be worse than being gay. I wouldn't blame them, I'm their only son who wants to be a girl. I don't know if they'd disown me or what, but I know I don't want to keep living like this.
College has been a struggle. It feels like after high school I was just thrust into it with no guidance. I managed to complete both semesters in the first year, but second year I only did one semester, same for this year. My parents don't know. I really don't want to go through it anymore. It feels pointless because I'm not joining any clubs, getting any scholarships, and I don't have anyone there to help me through it. My parents are just sinking money into me and I feel so guilty and worthless. My little sister is still in highschool and she works harder and does better than I ever did. It feels like I'm going to rob her of her opportunities. My parents aren't open at all about our financial situation, I don't know how bad or good things are or if they can afford so send her through college too. My sisters told me that my parents treat me better than them because I'm a guy and I've started to notice that they might be right. It makes me feel like shit. I didn't ask to be treated better and I don't want them to suffer because of me. I wouldn't mind dying for their sakes. It would be one less mouth to feed. They would have more money to spend on the children that'll actually be something. For now, it's gotten a little better, I guess. I'm on what would have been my third year, currently not attending the semester, but I've been doing doordash to make some of my own money instead of sitting in my car doing nothing.
I'm not entirely sure if I want to CTB. I don't think I deserve to. I've spent a lot of time on the site before making my account reading other user's stories. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I used the idea that there will always be someone who is suffering more than me to stop myself from thinking about it. I've come to really hate that idea. I feel like I'm just trying to invalidate my thoughts, but it hasn't made them go away. Every year they come back stronger, but I really think I don't deserve to feel this way. Regardless, I've already started to plan how I want to die this year. I've been fantasizing about
dying somewhere pretty in December when its snowing. My first plan was to fall to my death. The tallest building in my city is around 350ft high so I'd think the fall would be painless. I'd like to think I wouldn't be afraid, but I don't think I'm going with this plan. I'm not even sure right now how I'd get access to the roof. More than that though, I don't think I'd want my family finding me mangled or unrecognizable. So, I was thinking of finding some place nice and quiet and taking N. People on here say it's hard to get without a prescription so I might just ultimately opt for a gun. I can definitely afford one and have no criminal record so getting registered shouldn't be too difficult I hope. Only downside is that I'm not entirely sure if a bullet to the head is guaranteed instant lights out. Not to mention there'd be a pretty significant wound on my head and I don't want my family finding my body like that, but they make it pretty hard to die peacefully I've come to find so I've gotta give up something xD.
I don't think I've gotten to the point many users on the site have in their posts where I feel utterly hopeless. I was going to commit this December, but thinking about how my family would react made me rethink. When my grandfather died, I remember seeing my dad grieving for a long time. I don't like to imagine what they'd feel after they learn I kms as young as I am. Especially since my siblings have had suicidal tendencies in the past and now the little one told me something that made me question her mental health. I really don't want to imagine what they'd do. I had the worst Halloween this year. I was considering telling my friend about everything, but was afraid of how he'd react. That day made me feel really shitty, though. My parents sent me to go with my little sister and her friend while they went trick or treating. For some reason there are a lot of guys who think its a good idea to catcall and make obscene comments to minors on Halloween. I guess because I was the man, I had to go and 'protect' them. Having me there didn't stop it from happening. I could tell they were uncomfortable and I didn't say anything. And it kind of just hit me how much of a fucking loser I am. I don't think I could even stand up for myself if it came down to it. I didn't even talk to them while we walked and I felt like this would be how I'll live the rest of my life. Just invisible and alone. I decided to tell my friend that night about my SI, wanting to transition, and everything. I was scared what he would say and how he'd think of me afterwards. He talked me through it and convinced me against committing at least this year. I told him he's the only one I really talk to and he told me I just need to find someone like him. He likes to undersell himself, I really don't think there is another person like him. He feels like the only person that really cares about me. I feel like I got extremely lucky that I found him and was desperate enough to open up to him. He's the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm just scared about what he'll think of me now. I can't stop thinking about dying and I don't want to burden him or scare him away. When my sister was struggling with alcoholism, I remember my oldest sister grew tired of consoling her. That really stuck with me. How even family can turn their back on you. It terrifies me that he might leave or something might happen to him. He told me he has a weak heart and would need a transplant eventually. Knowing that made me pretty paranoid. I really want to keep talking to him. I think I might be in love which is really gay but idc (hoping he doesn't see this even though I don't think he'd be on here lool). (I don't want to think about it, but wanted to add this next sentence after seeing that some people are hanging on because of specific people.) If he did end up dying, God forbid, I hope it'd be motivation against CTB. There's something I first learned from Girl's Last Tour about how people die twice. First physically and then in memory. I think I really love him so much I'd want to keep living so I can carry his memory. At the very least I want to meet him IRL once before I try to CTB, but at the same time I don't want him to see me.
I'm really conflicted. I don't know if I really want to die. I want to keep living if it means I can avoid hurting people I love. I really wish no one cared about me so I could die without guilt. I don't think I can change the way I am. I want express myself and be loud. I want to love and be loved. I want know how its like to be held in somebody else's arms. For now, I promised I wouldn't try anything this year. I'm going to stop my research into methods, but December is yet to come and the snow always makes me feel so melancholy, like nothing matters. I'm going to start going back to college next year and try to get an internship. I'm going to schedule an HRT appointment either this week or next week so I can look forward to starting HRT in December instead of dying. I've been getting into gardening so I think I'll try starting a garden. That way, I could at least leave my parents with something in case I end up trying next year. I made a similar resolution last year. I wanted to make 100 drawings before I died and well I'm on 11/100 and I've started planning my death so I guess resolutions don't mean much. Here's hoping the garden does more to keep my mind off things. Even if it doesn't, I could try something else. All we can do is keep trying.
Writing this has put my mind somewhat at peace tonight. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. Since October 31st I've been crying every day staying up all night thinking about all this. Hopefully, I get some sleep tonight, I've got to pretend to go to college tomorrow :P
By far, I think my loneliness is the biggest reason for this. As of current, I have no irl friends and spend most my time in my room. I talk to a group of people online (I don't think I can call them friends), but apart from one it doesn't really feel like I'm talking to a person. Most of them just ask me for things, but I kind of have myself to blame for that because I never share anything about myself or ask anything about them. I find it hard to actually talk to people even across a screen. I'm always scared of what they might think about me or saying the wrong things. I had few friends throughout my teenage years and those relationships never lasted long or amounted to much. I barely spoke to them despite wanting to. I feel like I lived life as a ghost, people who notice me fading in and out, but none of them ever stay. I had one "girlfriend" in highschool. I don't know why she started talking to me, but she was really nice and cute and I still managed to start ignoring her within a week and the relationship fizzled out quickly. It was kinda awkward because she still had a class with me lol. My friend thinks I do shit like that because I'm afraid of having my feelings hurt, so I rather cut people off before they can cut me off. I think I really latched onto that idea in my younger teenage years around middle school. I never was really bullied myself, but I saw it happen to other people. So, I guess I wanted to make a premptive decision to protect myself by just being invisible. I tried to convince myself that I preferred to be alone and that I didn't need anyone. I think the first time the facade started to crack was my graduation. Everyone had friends there to congratulate them on the senior walk-out. I had no one. I've given up trying to talk to people and make friends. Finding the right people is just so hard.
I hate my past self more than anyone. I'm left with shit social skills and constant paranoia talking to people. I can't get a real job and I'm always too uncomfortable to talk to people to get help. I never got to explore my identity. I would always think that I had to act like a guy and I couldn't like anything 'too gay'. I guess that's partly because I don't want to disappoint my parents. Thinking back, I've always had a longing to be female and it's not really something recent. It's just that I've always suppressed those thoughts and dismissed them as perverted fantasies. Recently, though, I've really started to hate my body and I obsess over my features everytime I look in the mirror. I never cut myself and I don't think I'll be starting anytime soon, but last year I would get pretty angry with the way I looked and scratch myself. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore to preserve my body and I've only really drew blood once this year. I tried to masculinize myself for a year, working out, trying to look 'cool'. My body is pathetic, though. I barely gained any muscle and overall it made me feel even shittier about myself. Every time I think about myself as a girl, I feel like I'd be so much happier. I wouldn't have the expectations of a guy placed on me. I could be fun and expressive and free. I might go on HRT soon, but I'm scared about what it'll do to me, about what my parents think, and if it'll even make me happy. My friend told me I should wait, but I read that between 22-25 years is when many changes don't take place as effectively such as wider hips, etc. I'm getting close to that range so I feel like I have to make a decision now. I'm scared I'll regret it, but I might also regret not doing it. It's a stupid thought because the answer is obvious. I think I really should just start it. I think I could boymode for a while to hide it from my parents. I'm not exactly sure what they would do if they found out, but I think they would definitely be against it. Though, two of my sisters have already come out as lesbian. I feel like to them, being transgender would be worse than being gay. I wouldn't blame them, I'm their only son who wants to be a girl. I don't know if they'd disown me or what, but I know I don't want to keep living like this.
College has been a struggle. It feels like after high school I was just thrust into it with no guidance. I managed to complete both semesters in the first year, but second year I only did one semester, same for this year. My parents don't know. I really don't want to go through it anymore. It feels pointless because I'm not joining any clubs, getting any scholarships, and I don't have anyone there to help me through it. My parents are just sinking money into me and I feel so guilty and worthless. My little sister is still in highschool and she works harder and does better than I ever did. It feels like I'm going to rob her of her opportunities. My parents aren't open at all about our financial situation, I don't know how bad or good things are or if they can afford so send her through college too. My sisters told me that my parents treat me better than them because I'm a guy and I've started to notice that they might be right. It makes me feel like shit. I didn't ask to be treated better and I don't want them to suffer because of me. I wouldn't mind dying for their sakes. It would be one less mouth to feed. They would have more money to spend on the children that'll actually be something. For now, it's gotten a little better, I guess. I'm on what would have been my third year, currently not attending the semester, but I've been doing doordash to make some of my own money instead of sitting in my car doing nothing.
I'm not entirely sure if I want to CTB. I don't think I deserve to. I've spent a lot of time on the site before making my account reading other user's stories. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I used the idea that there will always be someone who is suffering more than me to stop myself from thinking about it. I've come to really hate that idea. I feel like I'm just trying to invalidate my thoughts, but it hasn't made them go away. Every year they come back stronger, but I really think I don't deserve to feel this way. Regardless, I've already started to plan how I want to die this year. I've been fantasizing about
dying somewhere pretty in December when its snowing. My first plan was to fall to my death. The tallest building in my city is around 350ft high so I'd think the fall would be painless. I'd like to think I wouldn't be afraid, but I don't think I'm going with this plan. I'm not even sure right now how I'd get access to the roof. More than that though, I don't think I'd want my family finding me mangled or unrecognizable. So, I was thinking of finding some place nice and quiet and taking N. People on here say it's hard to get without a prescription so I might just ultimately opt for a gun. I can definitely afford one and have no criminal record so getting registered shouldn't be too difficult I hope. Only downside is that I'm not entirely sure if a bullet to the head is guaranteed instant lights out. Not to mention there'd be a pretty significant wound on my head and I don't want my family finding my body like that, but they make it pretty hard to die peacefully I've come to find so I've gotta give up something xD.
I don't think I've gotten to the point many users on the site have in their posts where I feel utterly hopeless. I was going to commit this December, but thinking about how my family would react made me rethink. When my grandfather died, I remember seeing my dad grieving for a long time. I don't like to imagine what they'd feel after they learn I kms as young as I am. Especially since my siblings have had suicidal tendencies in the past and now the little one told me something that made me question her mental health. I really don't want to imagine what they'd do. I had the worst Halloween this year. I was considering telling my friend about everything, but was afraid of how he'd react. That day made me feel really shitty, though. My parents sent me to go with my little sister and her friend while they went trick or treating. For some reason there are a lot of guys who think its a good idea to catcall and make obscene comments to minors on Halloween. I guess because I was the man, I had to go and 'protect' them. Having me there didn't stop it from happening. I could tell they were uncomfortable and I didn't say anything. And it kind of just hit me how much of a fucking loser I am. I don't think I could even stand up for myself if it came down to it. I didn't even talk to them while we walked and I felt like this would be how I'll live the rest of my life. Just invisible and alone. I decided to tell my friend that night about my SI, wanting to transition, and everything. I was scared what he would say and how he'd think of me afterwards. He talked me through it and convinced me against committing at least this year. I told him he's the only one I really talk to and he told me I just need to find someone like him. He likes to undersell himself, I really don't think there is another person like him. He feels like the only person that really cares about me. I feel like I got extremely lucky that I found him and was desperate enough to open up to him. He's the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm just scared about what he'll think of me now. I can't stop thinking about dying and I don't want to burden him or scare him away. When my sister was struggling with alcoholism, I remember my oldest sister grew tired of consoling her. That really stuck with me. How even family can turn their back on you. It terrifies me that he might leave or something might happen to him. He told me he has a weak heart and would need a transplant eventually. Knowing that made me pretty paranoid. I really want to keep talking to him. I think I might be in love which is really gay but idc (hoping he doesn't see this even though I don't think he'd be on here lool). (I don't want to think about it, but wanted to add this next sentence after seeing that some people are hanging on because of specific people.) If he did end up dying, God forbid, I hope it'd be motivation against CTB. There's something I first learned from Girl's Last Tour about how people die twice. First physically and then in memory. I think I really love him so much I'd want to keep living so I can carry his memory. At the very least I want to meet him IRL once before I try to CTB, but at the same time I don't want him to see me.
I'm really conflicted. I don't know if I really want to die. I want to keep living if it means I can avoid hurting people I love. I really wish no one cared about me so I could die without guilt. I don't think I can change the way I am. I want express myself and be loud. I want to love and be loved. I want know how its like to be held in somebody else's arms. For now, I promised I wouldn't try anything this year. I'm going to stop my research into methods, but December is yet to come and the snow always makes me feel so melancholy, like nothing matters. I'm going to start going back to college next year and try to get an internship. I'm going to schedule an HRT appointment either this week or next week so I can look forward to starting HRT in December instead of dying. I've been getting into gardening so I think I'll try starting a garden. That way, I could at least leave my parents with something in case I end up trying next year. I made a similar resolution last year. I wanted to make 100 drawings before I died and well I'm on 11/100 and I've started planning my death so I guess resolutions don't mean much. Here's hoping the garden does more to keep my mind off things. Even if it doesn't, I could try something else. All we can do is keep trying.
Writing this has put my mind somewhat at peace tonight. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. Since October 31st I've been crying every day staying up all night thinking about all this. Hopefully, I get some sleep tonight, I've got to pretend to go to college tomorrow :P
