I am still within a toxic environment and I have no chance of getting away with it. First, I'm an asian and asian parents are not that easy to cut off; Second, I'm afraid that the innocent people will blame themselves that I killed myself. To tell all of you, some people call it "strong" that I was able to at least survive 8 years of suffering, however, it is still on going. Even I am surrounded with my friends, I don't feel genuinely happy anymore neither with my family. Even if they all pay attention to me, there's still the fact that I am still empty. I am really a bad person. Everytime I read news that someone killed themself successfully, I will literally hope that " I wish I will succeed too".
I already know that I have hopes and dreams, however, since I told you I grew up in a toxic environment the reasons I'm not able to pursue my dreams are:
1. I was discouraged from the very start, my brothers ran away from home and all the expectations and pressure were passed to me so the family just brainwashed me what course I should pursue.
2. The result of being discouraged, created a heavy blow on my self - esteem.
And so, I have no more reasons to live. I cannot forgive my brothers for leaving me and made me felt so alone with this family yet. I cannot forgive the people who tried to r*pe me, and I will never have justice because I lack of evidence and I know I will never win against them. I cannot forgive my relatives yet, who made me feel so pressure in life and who made me feel so empty.
I have only one mission before killing myself, to forgive these people and just die without grudges. Crazy, right? But that is my belief, literally I will make myself rest in peace. I am still 18 years old, time only knows if I will fail or succeed. I still have plenty of time.
I already know that I have hopes and dreams, however, since I told you I grew up in a toxic environment the reasons I'm not able to pursue my dreams are:
1. I was discouraged from the very start, my brothers ran away from home and all the expectations and pressure were passed to me so the family just brainwashed me what course I should pursue.
2. The result of being discouraged, created a heavy blow on my self - esteem.
And so, I have no more reasons to live. I cannot forgive my brothers for leaving me and made me felt so alone with this family yet. I cannot forgive the people who tried to r*pe me, and I will never have justice because I lack of evidence and I know I will never win against them. I cannot forgive my relatives yet, who made me feel so pressure in life and who made me feel so empty.
I have only one mission before killing myself, to forgive these people and just die without grudges. Crazy, right? But that is my belief, literally I will make myself rest in peace. I am still 18 years old, time only knows if I will fail or succeed. I still have plenty of time.
