Venting Embarrassment after my failed attempt/ the aftermath and consequences of surviving

[absolute failure]

I feel so embarrassed of my failed attempt. Today I got a big lecture from my dad, he told me that I gave up on my studies and that I am lazy (both things are true). It just made me feel like a piece of shit and I seriously regret how my partial hanging attempt didn't succeed. 20 seconds hanging was so close to me passing out, i just needed 3-5 more and it would have been over for good, now I am being punished for my failure. I also completely deserve this and I have to try to ctb soon… i am sorry for being a failure dad. The consequences of surviving are showing themselves now and i dont know how to feel. I am in some real trouble right now, and i dont see myself having the strength to keep fighting. Death is making me a sweet promise of peace whilst also being fucking permanent and irreversible, I just dont see any other way out :(

 

[doomedbynarrative]

I'm so sorry you got lectured. Parents seem to not understand that lectures and yelling and accusations don't help. I logically know why they're like this (they were raised the same way) but emotionally I do not understand how someone sees a child that is clearly struggling and doesn't treat them with tenderness and kindness.

 

[absolute failure]

I'm so sorry you got lectured. Parents seem to not understand that lectures and yelling and accusations don't help. I logically know why they're like this (they were raised the same way) but emotionally I do not understand how someone sees a child that is clearly struggling and doesn't treat them with tenderness and kindness.

Thank you for your kind words. He doesn't really scream when he lectures, his tone just gets so mean, like a drill sergeant correcting a soldier's mistakes. He knows i used to be suicidal years ago but now he doesn't know wtf is going on in my head, just that something is not right.

 

[hurb]

I know that feeling where someone is trying to debate with u or try to make u care about life. and all u can think bout is dying....

 

[absolute failure]

I know that feeling where someone is trying to debate with u or try to make u care about life. and all u can think bout is dying....

Yeah. Especially when the other person has no clue what is actually going on inside of you. They think that they know what is best, when they dont even have the full picture

 

[fadedghost]

I feel so embarrassed of my failed attempt. Today I got a big lecture from my dad, he told me that I gave up on my studies and that I am lazy (both things are true). It just made me feel like a piece of shit and I seriously regret how my partial hanging attempt didn't succeed. 20 seconds hanging was so close to me passing out, i just needed 3-5 more and it would have been over for good, now I am being punished for my failure. I also completely deserve this and I have to try to ctb soon… i am sorry for being a failure dad. The consequences of surviving are showing themselves now and i dont know how to feel. I am in some real trouble right now, and i dont see myself having the strength to keep fighting. Death is making me a sweet promise of peace whilst also being fucking permanent and irreversible, I just dont see any other way out :(

it sucks because often times, people would be more sympathetic if they were aware about current suicide ideation or recent attempts or planning...

but...

if a person discloses that, there's a risk of involuntary hospitalization, forced medication, and loss of autonomy... so it's like this bizarre situation where both people don't have all the information and one person often can't really discuss everything without changing the situation in a way they don't want.

it may be that he feels like you seem unmotivated because you aren't disclosing anything, and he's trying to find a way to motivate you, not knowing it's not a helpful tactic given how you feel

you said you are in real trouble. what sort of trouble is it? is it actually super awful, like you killed a bunch of people and investigators are starting to put together the puzzle pieces, or is it like you weren't able to get through school because it was boring and awful?

i will tell you something about school that may be completely unhelpful. school is often boring. if you succeed at it, and find it boring, it will lead to even more boring. it's not like there is something fun at the end of it, it's just even more severe more intense boring. also, many graduates of school are finding it harder and harder to get a good job.

i have a lot of education and am in poverty, and there are people who were fiscally smart, spent less than they earned at young ages, and now are doing very well at my age. following the supposed wonderful career path leads to a whole lot of boring potentially, unless you are doing something you don't find boring... and it may or may not lead to financial success...


this probably didn't help at all. i'm sorry things have been so awful and hope somehow they get better for you.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Yeah. Especially when the other person has no clue what is actually going on inside of you. They think that they know what is best, when they dont even have the full picture

This. And then they get mad at us for not telling them what's going on and it's like... since when did they ever demonstrate that they would be a safe and understanding person to talk to about this?

 

[absolute failure]

it sucks because often times, people would be more sympathetic if they were aware about current suicide ideation or recent attempts or planning...

but...

if a person discloses that, there's a risk of involuntary hospitalization, forced medication, and loss of autonomy

it may be that he feels like you seem unmotivated because you aren't disclosing anything, and he's trying to find a way to motivate you, not knowing it's not a helpful tactic given how you feel

you said you are in real trouble. what sort of trouble is it? is it actually super awful, like you killed a bunch of people and investigators are starting to piece together the puzzle pieces, or is it like you weren't able to get through school because it was boring and awful?

i will tell you something about school that may be completely unhelpful. school is often boring. if you succeed at it, and find it boring, it will lead to even more boring. it's not like there is something fun at the end of it, it's just even more severe more intense boring. also, many graduates of school are finding it harder and harder to get a good job.

i have a lot of education and am in poverty, and there are people who were fiscally smart, spent less than they earned at young ages, and now are doing very well. it's just... following the supposed wonderful career path leads to a whole lot of boring potentially, unless you are doing something you don't find boring...

this probably didn't help at all. i'm sorry things have been so awful and hope somehow they get better for you.

Thank you so much for that reply. I am in trouble in the following sense; i already stopped 3 career paths and now, on my4th attempt, i lost Motivation for 1 semester and i will probably fail my exams… and i also feel a uncertainty about this being the right thing for me, so suicide is my next option.
Oh and yeah, i ended up in a ward 6 years ago because my parents found out i was suicidal.. cant do that again.

This. And then they get mad at us for not telling them what's going on and it's like... since when did they ever demonstrate that they would be a safe and understanding person to talk to about this?

Oh if i talk about this i will end up in a ward for sure, its very fucked up. I have no one to talk to in reallife about suicide due to my history of being suicidal 6 years ago :(

 

[Dejected 55]

Don't feel embarrassed. Of all the things, at least don't feel that. When I failed in my attempt... and I failed twice the same night... I wasn't embarrassed at failing or embarrassed about still being here. On the night, I was VERY frustrated... verging on angry... I was frustrated at having failed, angry over still being here. But I wasn't embarrassed. Even in the moment I thought I had tried the right thing... I just failed at it.

Since that time, the anger subsided... but I'm still frustrated and now apprehensive about trying because I fear failing now. Originally I was afraid I wouldn't go through with it, but I did... now I'm afraid I'll fail again.

 

[absolute failure]

Don't feel embarrassed. Of all the things, at least don't feel that. When I failed in my attempt... and I failed twice the same night... I wasn't embarrassed at failing or embarrassed about still being here. On the night, I was VERY frustrated... verging on angry... I was frustrated at having failed, angry over still being here. But I wasn't embarrassed. Even in the moment I thought I had tried the right thing... I just failed at it.

Since that time, the anger subsided... but I'm still frustrated and now apprehensive about trying because I fear failing now. Originally I was afraid I wouldn't go through with it, but I did... now I'm afraid I'll fail again.

I know that feeling of anger too well :( I was so goddamn angry and disappointed on that day, its insane… i often feel embarrassed about things i do, its in my nature. I hate myself and my shortcomings. I will need to try it again i guess, this time i need to succeed

 

[fadedghost]

Thank you so much for that reply. I am in trouble in the following sense; i already stopped 3 career paths and now, on my4th attempt, i lost Motivation for 1 semester and i will probably fail my exams… and i also feel a uncertainty about this being the right thing for me, so suicide is my next option.
Oh and yeah, i ended up in a ward 6 years ago because my parents found out i was suicidal.. cant do that again.

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a gate-keeper, but those aren't really good reasons for suicide because many people experience those things and ultimately rebound and have a nice life. Lots of people fail exams, or change careers many times, or are uncertain about what they are going to do in life. You could also withdraw for the semester for medical reasons and take anti-depressants or see a career counselor. Career counselors can be very helpful.

I think this seems worse in your mind than it actually is and you should seek help. Are you able to see a career counselor on your own (though school insurance) or would you need help from your family? Would you be willing to do that?

Luigi Mangione... that's an example of someone in a not so great situation. He may end up convicted and get life. He has chronic pain. That's someone in real trouble. There are people fighting in wars right now... those people are in real trouble.

I am not saying you aren't in emotional pain. The real trouble you are in is that you're suicidal in part because you're not really seeing that objectively all your problems may be trivial in 2 years and you could be happy and doing something you like... It sometimes takes a while to find a career you like. I'm sorry things hurt, but you actually should seek some sort of professional help for this. I'm not saying go back to a ward, or like be drugged with harsh meds (unless you want that?)...

You could say "dad, I am second guessing my career choice and i'm depressed and want to talk to a career counselor about my options" or you could avoid him, go to a school counselor, and say the same thing, or call your insurance if you have school insurance and tell them that.

 

[absolute failure]

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a gate-keeper, but those aren't really good reasons for suicide because many people experience those things and ultimately rebound and have a nice life. Lots of people fail exams, or change careers many times, or are uncertain about what they are going to do in life. You could also withdraw for the semester for medical reasons and take anti-depressants or see a career counselor. Career counselors can be very helpful.

I think this seems worse in your mind than it actually is and you should seek help. Are you able to see a career counselor on your own (though school insurance) or would you need help from your family? Would you be willing to do that?

Luigi Mangione... that's an example of someone in a not so great situation. He may end up convicted and get life. He has chronic pain. That's someone in real trouble. There are people fighting in wars right now... those people are in real trouble.

I am not saying you aren't in emotional pain. The real trouble you are in is that you're suicidal in part because you're not really seeing that objectively all your problems may be trivial in 2 years and you could be happy and doing something you like... It sometimes takes a while to find a career you like. I'm sorry things hurt, but you actually should seek some sort of professional help for this. I'm not saying go back to a ward, or like be drugged with harsh meds (unless you want that?)...

You could say "dad, I am second guessing my career choice and i'm depressed and want to talk to a career counselor about my options" or you could avoid him, go to a school counselor, and say the same thing, or call your insurance if you have school insurance and tell them that.

Wow. Thank you for your honesty. You're probably right, but i am also very lazy and i dont see a future for myself anymore. Youre right, i am not in as big of a trouble as Luigi Mangione or Pdiddy or some other criminal, oh and i technically do have a career coach/therapist, but thats because my dad wants meto visit him because i was suicidal 6 years ago lmao. I dont talk about my depression with him though, i dont wanna end up in a ward again… so i rather die because i am a lazy piece of shit who doesnt want to seek help, even though he is aware that he has the potential to live a good life and make it far. Im just fucked up like that :(

 

[batboy]

Wow. Thank you for your honesty. You're probably right, but i am also very lazy and i dont see a future for myself anymore. Youre right, i am not in as big of a trouble as Luigi Mangione or Pdiddy or some other criminal, oh and i technically do have a career coach/therapist, but thats because my dad wants meto visit him because i was suicidal 6 years ago lmao. I dont talk about my depression with him though, i dont wanna end up in a ward again… so i rather die because i am a lazy piece of shit who doesnt want to seek help, even though he is aware that he has the potential to live a good life and make it far. Im just fucked up like that :(

Is it laziness or is it that it's too much emotional work for you to do on your own and so it's easier to give up than to try? Those are different things. Laziness means things are happening and you don't care at all. (Which is fine by the way.) You wouldn't try even if you could. It's not lazy to be frozen, and it's not lazy to spend every ounce of your energy keeping yourself alive and unable to have energy to do other things like school.

 

[Karrikin]

i lost Motivation for 1 semester and i will probably fail my exams…

I can't speak much on the other things happening to you right now but at least for this (I'm assuming you mean university or college.) seems like not something you should just completely ignore or not care for, but as far as I understand these are places where you can still somewhat fail and come back up. I'm still in my studies myself and there's been several times where grades have lacked but there's enough to help you through those things to bounce back up, stressing over them to death won't help either. Even a failed semester can be recovered, but I don't know your entire situation with this but that's my 2 cents. I wish you the best though.

 

[absolute failure]

Is it laziness or is it that it's too much emotional work for you to do on your own and so it's easier to give up than to try? Those are different things. Laziness means things are happening and you don't care at all. (Which is fine by the way.) You wouldn't try even if you could. It's not lazy to be frozen, and it's not lazy to spend every ounce of your energy keeping yourself alive and unable to have energy to do other things like school.

Its a mix of depression and laziness if I an honest. I dont wanna do the emotional work because i dont have the energy and i see suicide as a much easier way to solve my issues :(

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a gate-keeper, but those aren't really good reasons for suicide because many people experience those things and ultimately rebound and have a nice life. Lots of people fail exams, or change careers many times, or are uncertain about what they are going to do in life. You could also withdraw for the semester for medical reasons and take anti-depressants or see a career counselor. Career counselors can be very helpful.

I think this seems worse in your mind than it actually is and you should seek help. Are you able to see a career counselor on your own (though school insurance) or would you need help from your family? Would you be willing to do that?

Luigi Mangione... that's an example of someone in a not so great situation. He may end up convicted and get life. He has chronic pain. That's someone in real trouble. There are people fighting in wars right now... those people are in real trouble.

I am not saying you aren't in emotional pain. The real trouble you are in is that you're suicidal in part because you're not really seeing that objectively all your problems may be trivial in 2 years and you could be happy and doing something you like... It sometimes takes a while to find a career you like. I'm sorry things hurt, but you actually should seek some sort of professional help for this. I'm not saying go back to a ward, or like be drugged with harsh meds (unless you want that?)...

You could say "dad, I am second guessing my career choice and i'm depressed and want to talk to a career counselor about my options" or you could avoid him, go to a school counselor, and say the same thing, or call your insurance if you have school insurance and tell them that.

I always make a point of trying to encourage younger people to give life more of a shot. I try not to be condescending, but when you are younger even with a lot of trauma, you aren't allowing yourself the chance to put some distance between you and your problems to see if you can have a chance at life. Not everyone can, but certainly the younger you are the better chance you have technically of something coming along and giving you a better chance at a good life.

But, having said that... I try really hard not to say "my pain is worse than yours so you have no reason to kill yourself" because comparison really isn't helpful. Maybe your broken leg isn't as bad as someone who had their leg amputated... but if we start comparing, then there's someone who will come along and has it worse than you and then you'll not like them dismissing your trauma.

I think its fine to encourage people, give them options, talk them off the ledge if you can... but maybe don't try minimizing their reason for being depressed as part of that process. Just a thought.

Also, Luigi Mangione isn't a great example... because he straight up murdered a guy. Maybe the guy he murdered isn't sympathetic as the CEO of a healthcare/insurance provider that has been dropping the ball in helping people who are sick getting affordable quality care... but I'm not sure that's a great defense for murder. Some people are cheering for Mangione like he is a hero or something... but meanwhile nobody's healthcare has improved and if you let Mangione get away with murder, maybe he learns it is okay to kill people who work for places that fail at customer service and who knows where he might kill next.

Better to figure out the healthcare shitshow a different way, and properly try and potentially convict Mangione on the merits of the murder he committed whether he has trauma in his life or not.

 

[absolute failure]

I can't speak much on the other things happening to you right now but at least for this (I'm assuming you mean university or college.) seems like not something you should just completely ignore or not care for, but as far as I understand these are places where you can still somewhat fail and come back up. I'm still in my studies myself and there's been several times where grades have lacked but there's enough to help you through those things to bounce back up, stressing over them to death won't help either. Even a failed semester can be recovered, but I don't know your entire situation with this but that's my 2 cents. I wish you the best though.

I think if you are not a lazy piece of shit like me then you can recover from almost anything. But i just have a history of failing stuff and i dont see myself disappointing my parents anymore, i rather just leave this earth

I always make a point of trying to encourage younger people to give life more of a shot. I try not to be condescending, but when you are younger even with a lot of trauma, you aren't allowing yourself the chance to put some distance between you and your problems to see if you can have a chance at life. Not everyone can, but certainly the younger you are the better chance you have technically of something coming along and giving you a better chance at a good life.

But, having said that... I try really hard not to say "my pain is worse than yours so you have no reason to kill yourself" because comparison really isn't helpful. Maybe your broken leg isn't as bad as someone who had their leg amputated... but if we start comparing, then there's someone who will come along and has it worse than you and then you'll not like them dismissing your trauma.

I think its fine to encourage people, give them options, talk them off the ledge if you can... but maybe don't try minimizing their reason for being depressed as part of that process. Just a thought.

Also, Luigi Mangione isn't a great example... because he straight up murdered a guy. Maybe the guy he murdered isn't sympathetic as the CEO of a healthcare/insurance provider that has been dropping the ball in helping people who are sick getting affordable quality care... but I'm not sure that's a great defense for murder. Some people are cheering for Mangione like he is a hero or something... but meanwhile nobody's healthcare has improved and if you let Mangione get away with murder, maybe he learns it is okay to kill people who work for places that fail at customer service and who knows where he might kill next.

Better to figure out the healthcare shitshow a different way, and properly try and potentially convict Mangione on the merits of the murder he committed whether he has trauma in his life or not.

Thanks <3 i agree, comparing you problems with others isn't that useful. And i also agree that an action causes a reaction, killing people especially is not something i support. My problems are valid, even though others have it much worse than me. I am very lazy and i have failed so many times that i feel like death is what i deserve now for my failure, even though it's kind of extreme and unfair, only you yourself can judge yourself that honestly.