Effect on others...

[BodaFly]

I pretty much decided to ctb yesterday, did my grieving and all. But then I just bounced back after talking to some friends and my mom, thinking "maybe I can cope, maybe it's not so bad", but it is... not a day has gone by in a decade that I haven't thought of doing it. Are my survival instincts kicking in? Forcing me to cling to every scrap of hope available to stay on this mortal coil? Maybe not, I think I just really don't want other people to shoulder my despair once I'm gone. Many of them have never shown such concern for my feelings but I know this will hurt them regardless and I'm just... I don't know if I can accept it. I really wish my emotions weren't so ephemeral and hard to grasp. I just keep going through these cycles and I'm so tired of them.

Either way, it gets decided today. Do I do it or no...

I'll update in this thread, need to figure this out. Any tips on note writing to soften the blow are appreciated.

 

[アホペンギン]

Death will always hurt others, even if they neglected your feelings throughout your life and its impossible to know how they'll tolerate your death. Maybe some will get over it quickly while others will take a long time to do so or they will never do it, you can never know. It's just up to you to decide what would benefit you the most and how you figure out how to ensure how people will get over your death sooner.

I understand how this is a hard choice to make, do you leave them or do you stay to prevent them from grieving your death?

In my opinion, its best to let them take the blow but maybe not as strong as it would be if you left without a note. They never showed concern for your emotions so I don't understand the point of worrying about them but thats just me, it may sound cruel but its just how the world works.

 

[aiki__0]

As someone above me said, death will always give people the excuse to start talking and caring even if they didn't before. Even people that hate you will start talking about how much they miss you
I've learned you have to be selfish in order to go through with CTB otherwise you will continue to suffer in silence worrying for people who don't give you a single thought

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering here, if I was to write a note I'd explain my true feelings towards existence to try and get other people to understand. But anyway best wishes.

 

[BodaFly]

In my opinion, its best to let them take the blow but maybe not as strong as it would be if you left without a note. They never showed concern for your emotions so I don't understand the point of worrying about them but thats just me, it may sound cruel but its just how the world works.

That may be true. Was never fond of the way the world works personally though. Still, I gave them a chance to make things right and exposed my bare soul to them, and only got hurt. I suspect I inherited bipolar from one of them so we have these big ups and downs which is why I'm so conflicted. We enjoy each-others company a lot of the time but it's mostly because I put in the effort and put up a front to keep the peace after all that happened.

I've learned you have to be selfish in order to go through with CTB otherwise you will continue to suffer in silence worrying for people who don't give you a single thought

I have a hard time describing it as selfish... I'm not allowed to live the way that I want and am forced instead to bear the brunt of chronic pain and often severe mental illness for the sake of others. From my perspective it's others who are selfish, doesn't make me any more enthusiastic about hurting them but it's how I feel. I'll at least do them the courtesy of writing a good note before I take my leave.

 

[MatthieuFrederickW]

As someone above me said, death will always give people the excuse to start talking and caring even if they didn't before. Even people that hate you will start talking about how much they miss you
I've learned you have to be selfish in order to go through with CTB otherwise you will continue to suffer in silence worrying for people who don't give you a single thought

Yeah I've realised this world is very touchy on the topic of suicide, but mostly turns a blind eye when someone is still alive and suffering. Only concerned if someone's threatening to of have ctb. That's how you know it's only for their own selfish reasons only. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for you.

 

[aiki__0]

That may be true. Was never fond of the way the world works personally though. Still, I gave them a chance to make things right and exposed my bare soul to them, and only got hurt. I suspect I inherited bipolar from one of them so we have these big ups and downs which is why I'm so conflicted. We enjoy each-others company a lot of the time but it's mostly because I put in the effort and put up a front to keep the peace after all that happened.

I have a hard time describing it as selfish... I'm not allowed to live the way that I want and am forced instead to bear the brunt of chronic pain and often severe mental illness for the sake of others. From my perspective it's others who are selfish, doesn't make me any more enthusiastic about hurting them but it's how I feel. I'll at least do them the courtesy of writing a good note before I take my leave.

That is completely true... but no matter your reasons, other people will always see you as the selfish one
"How could they be so selfish to end their life?" "I thought I did everything I could for them"
No matter what you do, you'll be blamed, so I just accepted that, cause they will never understand they are the selfish ones for refusing to understand

 

[SVEN]

If you got hit by a 'bus tomorrow their grief and loss would be as great as should you decide to catch that 'bus yourself today.
Only you can truly decide, stay with them, experience years of uncertainty or misery yourself, do the deed and experience uncertainty and guilt for a few hours leading up to your going.
Best wishes whatever your decision.