140 bpm
Glitching in reality
- Jan 26, 2020
- 134
All this talk is getting me down
Nothing's making sense in my brain
I'm moving words in coarse of today
Trying hard to fix through the pain
I'm waiting to the thought that we came
Only to discover I'm aged
And blow a quart of love in your fame
And watch things drop down
And watch things drop down
(c)
Whole my life December was one of my favorite months in the year. Right after October...that guy I like more and Autumn in general. It's charming. It's sensual. You can see how nature dying and another phase of life is over. You can feel it. Feel the whole thing, which happening right in front of you. You can even touch it, before winter comes and you'll be able walk around stepping on corpses. I really miss color palette on trees and that feeling. But not about it right now.
During end of December I used to love spend time with family, friends, sum up achievements from this leaving year, make plans for a next coming one, buy presents, get presents all that near Christmas crap, you know. I mean, NYE crap mostly. Christmas was never a date on calendar for me. I'm from E.Europe side originally, and we have Christmas on January 7, so who really cares about "god's birth", when all presents and alcohol done, like a week ago. And anyway, there was no god for me ever. My mother tried to instill faith and love of religion, even brought me to the church, when I was a kid, and put a cross on my neck after I've swallowed a piece of bred dipped in red wine from priest's hand. What even sounds ridiculous in a first place. But not about it right now.
I used to have a life. I guess, we can call it "normal life", even if criteria and norms in this world acting as inconstantly and contingently as lot lizards, when you calling up for price. You'll most likely need a bag anyway. Exit one. Whatever. The past is passed and you won't change. You yearn for times, which never call back. It takes a lot...even too much it takes. It sounds so simple - "Let it go"... but I was never strong enough to actually do it.
2020 I've met alone, eating mushrooms in some random Airbnb, which I was changing like a gloves in a past two years. Loneliness was hurting really bad those times. I've wrote a promise that night, that I'm done with coke for sure, but it was lie of course. I couldn't imagine how hard it'll stab me later. But not about it tight now.
The year behind, and I can say that things just got worse. I never had such a pain, ever in my life, like in past 12 months. I've never been so close with loneliness as now. There's people around me, but they are just my coworkers. We kinda of got along, but I'm keeping distance. Nobody knows what's going on with me or how my shady past looks like. I just don't share anything particular. Memories from past life looking more as dreams. Flashbacks so mean. I don't bring it up in conversations. It was hard to avoid questions at the beginning, but I've learned how deal with that. It's better to be a freak in others eyes, than remind yourself about shit and candies, which you have on the back. Both stressful. Every time if I start share a bit of me, old feelings triggering bad. I'm feeling that I'm running of air in my longs. I'm suffocating. I've even quit smoking but... not about it right now.
It's kind of stop bothering me. I don't really know if it's anything that I'm caring about. Or anybody. Maybe only schedule of my bus, which is postponed for sure, but not because I've got any reasons. I've just accepted pathetic existence for now and things which I went through on my own really gave buzzed feeling of fake small victories. Who cares, anyway. It is what it is. I'm just staring in horizon sometimes and can't get my thoughts in order. That brain fog mixes pieces of reality and illusions, so I can't concentrate at all. But not about it right now. Actually...what I was talking about?
Fuck. My routine mess.
Oh yeah. What a results of this year I can bring up? Hard to say. There're very doubtable. On some days it was a really big deal just to get out from bed. On other days it was a victory to actually find a bed to sleep. On some days it was a good thing to eat while on others it was a good thing to empty one bottle of cabernet sauvignon instead of two. All that doesn't matter.
But what I can say for sure - I'm really glad to find this forum. This community. These people. I was just googling best way i can take off, but found a unique place, which accepts everyone. All we have a different reason to come here, different purpose to stay, different time frame. Everyone dealing with their own shit in this crack house, which we call life, everyone making own choices and I respect those no matter what. I've never seen such an intelligent and helpful community, where no one knows each other, but this attitude feels warmer than family (at least for me). Of course there's always a spoon of tar in a barrel of honey. But it's ok. If some people had a good and happy life, they would never go on forum for trolling suicidal people. So...yeah. It is what it is.
I really appreciate persons, who created this small niche of freedom and persons who taking a part in it. I've learned a lot from all of you. As an individual, who never been diagnosed with mental illness, simply because never seen a specialist about my mental health, I was shocked to find out a lot of staff. Your personal experiences, stories, links and sources provide here... THAT REALLY HELPS. I've learned a lot about myself. Thanks to you.
At the end of this shitty day, which had 364 same shitty ones before, I'm done, but it's fine. At least for now. I really wish every person here to find that what they looking for and make a choice, which will be best for them. I love this forum and love you people. Even if it's unrequited love. Even if I forgot what it's like, to feel. Thank you.
Thank you for your attention and time. I apologize for amount of typed symbols in this thread and my English (that's not my first language).
And, I guess,Happy Bearable New Year. I hope my words could give at least a microscopic seed of warm to somebody. My empathy with you, but not about it right now.
Nothing's making sense in my brain
I'm moving words in coarse of today
Trying hard to fix through the pain
I'm waiting to the thought that we came
Only to discover I'm aged
And blow a quart of love in your fame
And watch things drop down
And watch things drop down
(c)
Whole my life December was one of my favorite months in the year. Right after October...that guy I like more and Autumn in general. It's charming. It's sensual. You can see how nature dying and another phase of life is over. You can feel it. Feel the whole thing, which happening right in front of you. You can even touch it, before winter comes and you'll be able walk around stepping on corpses. I really miss color palette on trees and that feeling. But not about it right now.
During end of December I used to love spend time with family, friends, sum up achievements from this leaving year, make plans for a next coming one, buy presents, get presents all that near Christmas crap, you know. I mean, NYE crap mostly. Christmas was never a date on calendar for me. I'm from E.Europe side originally, and we have Christmas on January 7, so who really cares about "god's birth", when all presents and alcohol done, like a week ago. And anyway, there was no god for me ever. My mother tried to instill faith and love of religion, even brought me to the church, when I was a kid, and put a cross on my neck after I've swallowed a piece of bred dipped in red wine from priest's hand. What even sounds ridiculous in a first place. But not about it right now.
I used to have a life. I guess, we can call it "normal life", even if criteria and norms in this world acting as inconstantly and contingently as lot lizards, when you calling up for price. You'll most likely need a bag anyway. Exit one. Whatever. The past is passed and you won't change. You yearn for times, which never call back. It takes a lot...even too much it takes. It sounds so simple - "Let it go"... but I was never strong enough to actually do it.
2020 I've met alone, eating mushrooms in some random Airbnb, which I was changing like a gloves in a past two years. Loneliness was hurting really bad those times. I've wrote a promise that night, that I'm done with coke for sure, but it was lie of course. I couldn't imagine how hard it'll stab me later. But not about it tight now.
The year behind, and I can say that things just got worse. I never had such a pain, ever in my life, like in past 12 months. I've never been so close with loneliness as now. There's people around me, but they are just my coworkers. We kinda of got along, but I'm keeping distance. Nobody knows what's going on with me or how my shady past looks like. I just don't share anything particular. Memories from past life looking more as dreams. Flashbacks so mean. I don't bring it up in conversations. It was hard to avoid questions at the beginning, but I've learned how deal with that. It's better to be a freak in others eyes, than remind yourself about shit and candies, which you have on the back. Both stressful. Every time if I start share a bit of me, old feelings triggering bad. I'm feeling that I'm running of air in my longs. I'm suffocating. I've even quit smoking but... not about it right now.
It's kind of stop bothering me. I don't really know if it's anything that I'm caring about. Or anybody. Maybe only schedule of my bus, which is postponed for sure, but not because I've got any reasons. I've just accepted pathetic existence for now and things which I went through on my own really gave buzzed feeling of fake small victories. Who cares, anyway. It is what it is. I'm just staring in horizon sometimes and can't get my thoughts in order. That brain fog mixes pieces of reality and illusions, so I can't concentrate at all. But not about it right now. Actually...what I was talking about?
Fuck. My routine mess.
Oh yeah. What a results of this year I can bring up? Hard to say. There're very doubtable. On some days it was a really big deal just to get out from bed. On other days it was a victory to actually find a bed to sleep. On some days it was a good thing to eat while on others it was a good thing to empty one bottle of cabernet sauvignon instead of two. All that doesn't matter.
But what I can say for sure - I'm really glad to find this forum. This community. These people. I was just googling best way i can take off, but found a unique place, which accepts everyone. All we have a different reason to come here, different purpose to stay, different time frame. Everyone dealing with their own shit in this crack house, which we call life, everyone making own choices and I respect those no matter what. I've never seen such an intelligent and helpful community, where no one knows each other, but this attitude feels warmer than family (at least for me). Of course there's always a spoon of tar in a barrel of honey. But it's ok. If some people had a good and happy life, they would never go on forum for trolling suicidal people. So...yeah. It is what it is.
I really appreciate persons, who created this small niche of freedom and persons who taking a part in it. I've learned a lot from all of you. As an individual, who never been diagnosed with mental illness, simply because never seen a specialist about my mental health, I was shocked to find out a lot of staff. Your personal experiences, stories, links and sources provide here... THAT REALLY HELPS. I've learned a lot about myself. Thanks to you.
At the end of this shitty day, which had 364 same shitty ones before, I'm done, but it's fine. At least for now. I really wish every person here to find that what they looking for and make a choice, which will be best for them. I love this forum and love you people. Even if it's unrequited love. Even if I forgot what it's like, to feel. Thank you.
Thank you for your attention and time. I apologize for amount of typed symbols in this thread and my English (that's not my first language).
And, I guess,
