Venting Eating disorder... I can never recover

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I heard yesterday that my malnutrition was really bad before the ward. And I just wondered as I listened to those words why miraculously I allowed myself to recover from it. Why was I so weak that I started eating and took it for help? Well really, I didn't even have any options, my opinion didn't matter except formally.

When I see myself in the mirror I only see mistakes. Cheeks too big on face, nose too big. The eyes and mouth are small. A lot of things that should change and I'm not more merciful to the body. Shocking how much oneself can hate and be ashamed.

I should increase the portion sizes again, I should eat more often. I reportedly should eat at least 5 times more now. Sometimes I am so hungry that I vomit. The body tries to tell hunger messages that I don't listen to until I have to. And even then, I eat the minimum.

Body is currently storing everything I can get and I'm actively thinking about carbs as well as anything else to avoid so I can eat. Not actually motivating to eat anything when nothing gets weight down anymore and I should just accept that weight always goes up before my metabolism starts to work.

I see food as useless grams of something; breads, pastas and others are useless flour bags in my mind. I hate them, I hate them extremely much. I can't see food as the wrong option. In practice, the only thing allowed would be vegetables, and of them only greens. Although I know they wouldn't be enough.

If I have to walk at least x km or have to spend at least x km ... I still have a sports ban, my head scans all the trainings for which I still have instructions ... I would like to pedal for a while on an exercise bike, but I really wouldn't allow myself an hour less. At the same time, I discard the scale and try to convince myself that I need food. Although I really think I don't have to.

Sometimes it feels like I can never recover.

 

[lotus11]

eating disorders are honestly the biggest possible hell...i have not managed to recover either so cant help, only sympathise

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I understand it must be a hopeless feeling to feel as though you can never recover. I wish you the best.

 

[Manaaja]

I heard yesterday that my malnutrition was really bad before the ward. And I just wondered as I listened to those words why miraculously I allowed myself to recover from it. Why was I so weak that I started eating and took it for help? Well really, I didn't even have any options, my opinion didn't matter except formally.

When I see myself in the mirror I only see mistakes. Cheeks too big on face, nose too big. The eyes and mouth are small. A lot of things that should change and I'm not more merciful to the body. Shocking how much oneself can hate and be ashamed.

I should increase the portion sizes again, I should eat more often. I reportedly should eat at least 5 times more now. Sometimes I am so hungry that I vomit. The body tries to tell hunger messages that I don't listen to until I have to. And even then, I eat the minimum.

Body is currently storing everything I can get and I'm actively thinking about carbs as well as anything else to avoid so I can eat. Not actually motivating to eat anything when nothing gets weight down anymore and I should just accept that weight always goes up before my metabolism starts to work.

I see food as useless grams of something; breads, pastas and others are useless flour bags in my mind. I hate them, I hate them extremely much. I can't see food as the wrong option. In practice, the only thing allowed would be vegetables, and of them only greens. Although I know they wouldn't be enough.

If I have to walk at least x km or have to spend at least x km ... I still have a sports ban, my head scans all the trainings for which I still have instructions ... I would like to pedal for a while on an exercise bike, but I really wouldn't allow myself an hour less. At the same time, I discard the scale and try to convince myself that I need food. Although I really think I don't have to.

Sometimes it feels like I can never recover.

Hey Finland!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I must admit that I could never understand anorexia or bulimia, but I can understand wishing to not having to eat. The less requirements the better. I wish your opinion mattered. I've felt the same way myself in Finnish "health" places. I'll tell people I'm sad, and they'll write "client was happy". I'll tell people I'm happy and they'll write "client was sad". True story. It's like they couldn't hear what I said. It was like playing broken telephone.

The body is like an armor. It doesn't present your real self. It's just a tool to interact with this world. At least I don't identify as skin or muscles or bones. I'm a person, not arms or legs or face.

Does everything taste bad to you? If there's a taste you really like, couldn't you add it on top of everything? Like chocolate sauce? Or blueberries? I've read that if you are severely malnourished, it's dangerous to eat much at once. It can literally kill you. You should only eat a little bit. Imagine your stomach as a muscle. If you hadn't biked for years and then tried to bike 50 kilometres, it would be hell. The same with food, if you haven't eaten much anything for a long time, it's too much for your stomach and you get even more ill. You should only eat a little bit. Give tummy time to rest. Increase portion sides slowly and start with tiny portions.

Weight isn't always a bad thing. You weight now more than you did when you were a single cell. Is that a bad thing? Let me ask you. If you lived in a society which valued fatness and "ugliness", where skinny and beautiful people were hated and were literally thrown into jail, would you rather be fat and "ugly" or skinny and beautiful?

I've always wondered how horses can be big and strong and only eat like grass, apples, carrots, oat. Maybe if a human ate many many kilograms of grass they could live on only grass. I think you can be vegan. I'm a vegetarian myself. There's a lot of vegan options in shops these days.

It's good that you exercise even if you don't eat. Maybe we could change lifestyles for a week. I eat less and exercise more. You eat more and exercise a little less. I think it would be best if you forgot about numbers. If you couldn't read numbers, you couldn't worry about calories and weight because you would have no idea what 55kg or 123 calories mean. You would have no idea if 40 is bigger or smaller than 60.

I've read that many anorexia people have a hard time recovering. I feel it isn't completely mental. More like a lack of something that makes you want to eat. I've tried to starve myself, but I can't do it for more than 12 hours no matter how much I try. But in any case, I hope you can feel better soon.

And another thing. Try to find things that are worthwhile in yourself. Don't depend your whole worth on your looks and weight. Maybe you have a beautiful singing voice, or are good at art, or learn languages fast, or are good at math, or maybe you're kind or honest or a hardworker. Something you can be proud of. Right now it seems that the only thing about yourself that makes you proud is your lack of eating and excessive exercise. And you fear that if you started eating or stopped exercising, there'd be nothing to be proud of. Your whole identity is your anorexia. Build another identity. It will be slow, it will take time, but it can eventually replace your old identity.

I also suggest you stare at other people's bodies. Don't look at your body. Forget there's body around your consciousness. Look at the staff. Knowing Finnish hospital staff, they are probably on the heavier side. Stare at their bodies. Look at all those round bellies, thick arms. What do you think when you look at their bodies? How do their bodies make you feel? Do you feel it's a bad thing their bodies are round? Do you think they will be judged because of their weight? Do you think something bad happened to them if they didn't stop eating? If it's okay for them to weight 100 kilograms, why wouldn't it be right for you to weight 50kg or 60kg?

Some animals, when they are stressed, can't eat at all. So I think trying to reduce your stress would be best. Listen to nice music. Read something good. There are free books on the net. You can listen to audiobooks. Maybe if you ate while doing something it would be easier. I'm the kind of person who eats a whole bag of candies without noticing when I'm focused on something.

It can be really hard. But try to forget numbers, don't even remember numbers exist. Don't think of food as calories, calories don't exist now. Lie to yourself something like "This pizza is made out of air, it won't affect my weight in any way". Any lie that can make you eat is a good lie currently. A white lie, if you will.

And if you only want to eat vegetables, you can become a vegan. You can eat food without wheat and such even.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Hey Finland!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I must admit that I could never understand anorexia or bulimia, but I can understand wishing to not having to eat. The less requirements the better. I wish your opinion mattered. I've felt the same way myself in Finnish "health" places. I'll tell people I'm sad, and they'll write "client was happy". I'll tell people I'm happy and they'll write "client was sad". True story. It's like they couldn't hear what I said. It was like playing broken telephone.

The body is like an armor. It doesn't present your real self. It's just a tool to interact with this world. At least I don't identify as skin or muscles or bones. I'm a person, not arms or legs or face.

Does everything taste bad to you? If there's a taste you really like, couldn't you add it on top of everything? Like chocolate sauce? Or blueberries? I've read that if you are severely malnourished, it's dangerous to eat much at once. It can literally kill you. You should only eat a little bit. Imagine your stomach as a muscle. If you hadn't biked for years and then tried to bike 50 kilometres, it would be hell. The same with food, if you haven't eaten much anything for a long time, it's too much for your stomach and you get even more ill. You should only eat a little bit. Give tummy time to rest. Increase portion sides slowly and start with tiny portions.

Weight isn't always a bad thing. You weight now more than you did when you were a single cell. Is that a bad thing? Let me ask you. If you lived in a society which valued fatness and "ugliness", where skinny and beautiful people were hated and were literally thrown into jail, would you rather be fat and "ugly" or skinny and beautiful?

I've always wondered how horses can be big and strong and only eat like grass, apples, carrots, oat. Maybe if a human ate many many kilograms of grass they could live on only grass. I think you can be vegan. I'm a vegetarian myself. There's a lot of vegan options in shops these days.

It's good that you exercise even if you don't eat. Maybe we could change lifestyles for a week. I eat less and exercise more. You eat more and exercise a little less. I think it would be best if you forgot about numbers. If you couldn't read numbers, you couldn't worry about calories and weight because you would have no idea what 55kg or 123 calories mean. You would have no idea if 40 is bigger or smaller than 60.

I've read that many anorexia people have a hard time recovering. I feel it isn't completely mental. More like a lack of something that makes you want to eat. I've tried to starve myself, but I can't do it for more than 12 hours no matter how much I try. But in any case, I hope you can feel better soon.

And another thing. Try to find things that are worthwhile in yourself. Don't depend your whole worth on your looks and weight. Maybe you have a beautiful singing voice, or are good at art, or learn languages fast, or are good at math, or maybe you're kind or honest or a hardworker. Something you can be proud of. Right now it seems that the only thing about yourself that makes you proud is your lack of eating and excessive exercise. And you fear that if you started eating or stopped exercising, there'd be nothing to be proud of. Your whole identity is your anorexia. Build another identity. It will be slow, it will take time, but it can eventually replace your old identity.

I also suggest you stare at other people's bodies. Don't look at your body. Forget there's body around your consciousness. Look at the staff. Knowing Finnish hospital staff, they are probably on the heavier side. Stare at their bodies. Look at all those round bellies, thick arms. What do you think when you look at their bodies? How do their bodies make you feel? Do you feel it's a bad thing their bodies are round? Do you think they will be judged because of their weight? Do you think something bad happened to them if they didn't stop eating? If it's okay for them to weight 100 kilograms, why wouldn't it be right for you to weight 50kg or 60kg?

Some animals, when they are stressed, can't eat at all. So I think trying to reduce your stress would be best. Listen to nice music. Read something good. There are free books on the net. You can listen to audiobooks. Maybe if you ate while doing something it would be easier. I'm the kind of person who eats a whole bag of candies without noticing when I'm focused on something.

It can be really hard. But try to forget numbers, don't even remember numbers exist. Don't think of food as calories, calories don't exist now. Lie to yourself something like "This pizza is made out of air, it won't affect my weight in any way". Any lie that can make you eat is a good lie currently. A white lie, if you will.

And if you only want to eat vegetables, you can become a vegan. You can eat food without wheat and such even.

Hey and thanks for your lovely and wise words <3
I'm not actually even underweight even though I'm malnourished. I'm actually a plus size because my body hasn't wanted to lose weight anymore after a certain amount of kg. For this reason, it took a long time for anyone in health care to realize my problem and then the situation had already gone too far so I ended up in the ward to learn how to eat.

I really hate all food, but now I've tolerated myself with little vegetarian food because I like them. I try to make dishes that I enjoy somehow no matter what they contain and I even eat ready meals if that feels like it. Still, I don't get the food intake raised enough yet. However, I try to force myself into it because my metabolism is so stuck and I'm so tired that this doesn't help. I hear my bodies wake me up at night because of this alert state, if I slept too deeply I wouldn't wake up (haha no matter how I wished it was).
Self-esteem is so great even though I am told that there is nothing wrong with my appearance and that I am beautiful etc. Personally, I don't see it as in a few days.

Interestingly, when I see other people who weigh a little, "normal amount" or a lot, I find something good in everyone. I don't consider anyone ugly and I can't value other people by their looks. I still do it for myself x)

You are very right if I do not have this disease to fill my life; I have nothing. Nor can I control anything in my life if I let go of this. The biggest reasons why healing is difficult. Of course, it also seems a lot that I value myself based on my appearance so I don't see any value in my other qualities even though I should ...

 

[xLosthopex]

I've had Anorexia for over 10 years, and at this point I don't even want to recover, it's my biggest coping mechanism in life

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I've had Anorexia for over 10 years, and at this point I don't even want to recover, it's my biggest coping mechanism in life

I understand very well what you mean, I have the same reason. In a way, I still expected to be able to heal, but it never happens ... There is nothing to replace it.

I just calculated that an eating disorder in its various forms has been with me for 20 years. As long as things have been bad and I have had to cope ...

 

[littlelungs]

I can relate. Eating disorders are total hell.

I've struggled with disordered eating since I was a teenager; it's been a huge coping mechanism for me over the years, and the idea of me ever being completely free of it is unfathomable to me because it's so deeply ingrained in my psyche. No matter what I do or don't do, the thoughts always remain in full force.

I really feel for you, OP... for all of you in here.