U
Unending
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2022
- 1,517
Isn't it odd how easy it is to come into life and how seemingly impossible it is to get out of it even when you want to? Despite the fact that I've wanted to die for years, I just can't even get myself to do it. It's the emotions for me that mess things up.
The guilt makes my Si insane to deal with, even when I feel so so confident that suicide is exactly what I'm due for. I know that my mom specifically had me to give her meaning, and without me, I feel pretty confident that the rest of her life would be miserable. So what, I should just put myself first since I'm not infringing on anyone else's rights, right? Well, it just seems that the guilt overrides any logic as my brain holds me captive to ensure other's well being, even if they are the ones who began the whole chain reaction of torture.
Good god, the fact that I've experienced life in grotesque and tormenting ways but still have clung onto it really disturbs me. I think that it would be a terrible thing if I let some other cause of death take me out rather than ctb because it feels like ctb could potentially be the way that I take control and be selflish in my steps towards relief like all the therapists and psychiatry articles say to do lol.
Anyways, yes, I imagine that this is just another generic rant and I'm sure that many of us here are feeling these types of things constantly. Oh, by the way, I literally can not get myself to eat and it has been this way for years now. Cooking feels like running a marathon. Fml, I abhor this life.
The guilt makes my Si insane to deal with, even when I feel so so confident that suicide is exactly what I'm due for. I know that my mom specifically had me to give her meaning, and without me, I feel pretty confident that the rest of her life would be miserable. So what, I should just put myself first since I'm not infringing on anyone else's rights, right? Well, it just seems that the guilt overrides any logic as my brain holds me captive to ensure other's well being, even if they are the ones who began the whole chain reaction of torture.
Good god, the fact that I've experienced life in grotesque and tormenting ways but still have clung onto it really disturbs me. I think that it would be a terrible thing if I let some other cause of death take me out rather than ctb because it feels like ctb could potentially be the way that I take control and be selflish in my steps towards relief like all the therapists and psychiatry articles say to do lol.
Anyways, yes, I imagine that this is just another generic rant and I'm sure that many of us here are feeling these types of things constantly. Oh, by the way, I literally can not get myself to eat and it has been this way for years now. Cooking feels like running a marathon. Fml, I abhor this life.