Discussion Dysfunctional Family

[Hunterer]

I was born into a family that, besides being poor, is extremely dysfunctional, for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons I want to ctb is because of my family. There isn't a single day in my house that there isn't confusion, problems and shit after shit. Can anyone else relate ? Does anyone else hate their own family for some reason ?

 

[lawlietsph]

Of course, I can relate very much. Family is the root of all my problems and they are the reason I am constantly unhappy in life. I'm pretty sure my mother had postpartum depression, because all she did was beating the shit out of my sister and me. She was so incredibly unhappy in her marriage, and all she could do was to took out her anger on us.
That's because on the other hand my father is a very narcissistic man. They hated each other from the start, so basically it was fucked up ever since then.
When I think about my childhood, all I feel is fear. Constant fear of them, like "ohgod who's going to yell at me today? Am I going to be slapped? What kind of mood are they in today?"

My parents had maaaany many many opportunities when it comes to money. They've had their own restaurants and all. Growing up, I think we were in the mid-upper class actually, but STILL never had enough money, god knows what my parents did with all of it, but there were constant fights about money every single day still.
Now they are divorced, both of them have a fucked up job with a salary that's barely enough to survive. They are both unhappy and poor (me too).
My sister developed BPD due to all the shit that has happened, and it plays a big part in my fucked up life too.
Because ever since my sister got sick, she had suicide attempts almost every week, which made my parents to only focus on her, her, her, her and her.
I am pretty traumatized from her attempts still, eventho the last one was 11 years ago.
Now I am 28 yrs old. I only managed to find a part time job which I HATE and it barely pays me anything. I have like $30 for the whole month. My clothes are worn out, old, awful. I have no talent, basically no social skills or anything.

I truly feel like my parents have failed to teach me the basic things in life, I am 99% sure I have undiagnosed autism, and overall my mind is just an awful place.

Every single day I wish I was dead. There's not an hour that goes by without me thinking about hanging myself or trying to get the courage to order SN.

I have no idea how to talk to people, because I truly, deeply hate people from the bottom of my heart. Making eye contact is like climbing a huge mountain. Never in my 28 years have I had a close friend, I am alone, always always always alone. Nobody cares about me, and I have no idea what it feels like to be hugged, touched, cared for.
So yeah, I am a female actually and (I think because of my age) my body and brain is in relationship-marriage-baby-home-safety mode. But never in my 28 years have I ever talked to a man in person except my father and my grandfathers. I am terrified.

And yeah, I am ugly af. Of course, because I don't have money to make myself pretty.

Anyway I'm sorry it's too long, but overall all of this, all of my beliefs and my fucked up brain is my parents fault.

 

[Hunterer]

@lawlietsph It's okay if the text is long, it's good to vent when something is bothering you.

Unlike you, I wouldn't say that my family is the root of all my problems, but it is certainly one of my problems. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't grateful for the things they have done for me over the years, but as I've grown older and the years have gone by, I've realized more and more that the environment I live in is toxic. Fights and arguments happen almost every day, first thing in the morning, but there are times when the arguments and fights happen late at night, and I can't even sleep because of it. And the worst part is that most fights and arguments are practically for the same reason: money and debts. And there are also some other things you said that I can relate to in part, like undiagnosed autism. I must have some form of autism, among many other things, that have never been and probably never will be diagnosed, because no one cares enough. I have a little hope for better days, but then things just get worse and I want to die more and more, so I'm thinking about buying SN at the end of the month, but the doubt and uncertainty make me anxious, because even though I want to die, I don't know if I'm ready to make that decision, so maybe I'll put things off for a while longer and save some money until the right time. I'm also not the most sociable person. I can only talk when people come to me. I can't hold a steady conversation for very long because I feel like I'm an uninteresting person, and precisely because I'm so uninteresting and ugly, I've never been in a real relationship, and I'll probably die without being in one.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what you've been through, and are still going through. We've been unlucky in our lives. If you ever feel the need to talk, feel free to PM me at any time. And the same goes for anyone else reading this.

 

[Hanaga]

I can relate. I was a scapegoat of my family and the only neurodivergent one in it. Without going into details the fact that my family is dysfunctional is an understatement. At this point, I don't think it's possible that anyone could ever hurt me to the degree my own family did. Also stigma on hating own family must die.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

Can relate. It was hell when I was living with them. Luckily later I saw I wasn't the problem or my life would be so much worse. I don't hate them, but I don't like them either. Hate only makes you bitter. That doesn't mean I forgive them.

 

[Davey40210]

I hate the circumstances we were in. My family was crazy dysfunctional with my dad beating us up one day and praising us the next. And my mom gaslighting us into saying nothing bad happened and it was our fault. Only when I got older I realized what a horrible situation we were in.

We were also very poor like your family. That was part of the cause of the non stop stress.

I think I would have had a better life if I had grown up in a normal family, although I am probably autistic myself and so I would still have challenges.