meowme0w
Quadeca fan
- Jan 6, 2026
- 14
I'm so tired of everything, I keep going and I keep trying but I really don't want to anymore. I have nothing else though, I can't even ctb, i'm too much of a coward. All the methods I maybe would be brave enough to try aren't accessible for me, I mean i was even starting to broaden my horizons when it comes to methods because I'm getting so desperate. In the past i was sure I'd never hang myself ever, i hate choking and i don't want pain, hanging sounds like a terrible way to go, but atp I'd even be willing to do that!! EXCEPT I CANT!! There's literally no places where I could do that. My house doesn't have any anchor points, but even if it did I don't want to die at home due to my family. Honestly, I wish i didn't gaf about anybody else, I could've just jumped in front of a train ages ago if that were the case, but of course I have to be oh so nice that I don't wanna traumatize innocent bystanders with my death. Honestly not wanting to traumatize others makes dying so much harder, because you're almost guaranteed to do that if you kill yourself.
I wanna jump, but there aren't even any places for me to jump from!! It's so unfair, I wish I lived in a country with those huge cliffs or something, I mean we barely even have any tall buildings. There are a few tall buildings technically yeah, but how tf would I get access to them?? Idk how people jump from these random buildings, how are they getting access to the rooftops or something?? But even if I had access to a tall building, I still couldn't do that anyway since it would probably also traumatize a bunch of people....unless I did it in the dead of night or something, but even then there's always somebody out there. I feel so hopeless, i don't know how to cope with existing, but i literally have no other choice. I just wanna get locked up in some institution where I don't have to think about school or anything, nobody could nag me about unfinished work because i'd actually be seen as sick and not just lazy.
I told my parents that I want to die, I've never straight up said i want to die to them before, at most i've said some bs like "I'm a little tired of living". It didn't really change anything though. I don't know what I was expecting, a part of me was hoping they'd send me to a hospital or something ig, I just wanna get away from everything. That didn't happen though, i'm going to school again tomorrow as usual, my teacher's nagging me about skipping so much lately and bringing up all my missed assignments. She's just doing her job I can't really blame her, but man I wish I could just be seen as a sick person, I wish I wasn't treated like everyone else. Maybe that's ridiculous, but just once i wish people would be concerned for me. If i broke an arm I bet they'd be a lot more understanding, I bet people would give me grace if i was physically injured or ill or something. Or a kid, I'm too old now for anybody to care. Back when i was younger, all the teachers and the school cared so much, but it's like the second i turned 18 I don't matter anymore. I'm an adult now so if I'm depressed I just have to figure it out myself. If I miss school because I wanna die, well too bad, you're gonna get kicked out soon! Like you should just tell me to give up and die atp lmao
If I was brave enough I'd hurt myself enough to end up at a hospital, not even as a means to die, i just want proof of being sick. I won't do that though, I don't accidentally want to cause permanent damage to myself. I've thought about slitting my wrist, that way people would think I actually tried to kill myself, I'd have physical proof of my depression without dying, because I know it's hard to die from just slitting your wrists, and I'd only slit one. It can damage your hand permanently though and I don't want that, but man i'm considering it.
This post has no purpose, I just want to scream into the void. I've been feeling so shitty, i wonder if I'll ever get better. Probably not. I can't even imagine dying from anything other than suicide, I'm so convinced i'll take my life one day. Could be in a week, could be in 10 years, but unless I get into some freak accident i'll probably go out by my own hand. I hope I can make up my mind soon, to really commit. I'm still on the fence about it, I still want to live for some unknown reason, but I do also want to die. I hope soon i won't want to live at all, because right now i think i could only commit on impulse. I can look up places, I could even buy items and test methods, but I can't set a date to die, I'll just have to hope I crash out hard enough to go through with it on impulse.(well if I had a viable method..) I want to plan out my death properly, maybe I'll travel to a different country with those cliffs and jump there. I won't do that right now though, because if i end up changing my mind and coming back, It'll have been a big waste of money. It sounds nice though, a final trip all by my lonesome to my early grave, very poetic!! lol
I wanna jump, but there aren't even any places for me to jump from!! It's so unfair, I wish I lived in a country with those huge cliffs or something, I mean we barely even have any tall buildings. There are a few tall buildings technically yeah, but how tf would I get access to them?? Idk how people jump from these random buildings, how are they getting access to the rooftops or something?? But even if I had access to a tall building, I still couldn't do that anyway since it would probably also traumatize a bunch of people....unless I did it in the dead of night or something, but even then there's always somebody out there. I feel so hopeless, i don't know how to cope with existing, but i literally have no other choice. I just wanna get locked up in some institution where I don't have to think about school or anything, nobody could nag me about unfinished work because i'd actually be seen as sick and not just lazy.
I told my parents that I want to die, I've never straight up said i want to die to them before, at most i've said some bs like "I'm a little tired of living". It didn't really change anything though. I don't know what I was expecting, a part of me was hoping they'd send me to a hospital or something ig, I just wanna get away from everything. That didn't happen though, i'm going to school again tomorrow as usual, my teacher's nagging me about skipping so much lately and bringing up all my missed assignments. She's just doing her job I can't really blame her, but man I wish I could just be seen as a sick person, I wish I wasn't treated like everyone else. Maybe that's ridiculous, but just once i wish people would be concerned for me. If i broke an arm I bet they'd be a lot more understanding, I bet people would give me grace if i was physically injured or ill or something. Or a kid, I'm too old now for anybody to care. Back when i was younger, all the teachers and the school cared so much, but it's like the second i turned 18 I don't matter anymore. I'm an adult now so if I'm depressed I just have to figure it out myself. If I miss school because I wanna die, well too bad, you're gonna get kicked out soon! Like you should just tell me to give up and die atp lmao
If I was brave enough I'd hurt myself enough to end up at a hospital, not even as a means to die, i just want proof of being sick. I won't do that though, I don't accidentally want to cause permanent damage to myself. I've thought about slitting my wrist, that way people would think I actually tried to kill myself, I'd have physical proof of my depression without dying, because I know it's hard to die from just slitting your wrists, and I'd only slit one. It can damage your hand permanently though and I don't want that, but man i'm considering it.
This post has no purpose, I just want to scream into the void. I've been feeling so shitty, i wonder if I'll ever get better. Probably not. I can't even imagine dying from anything other than suicide, I'm so convinced i'll take my life one day. Could be in a week, could be in 10 years, but unless I get into some freak accident i'll probably go out by my own hand. I hope I can make up my mind soon, to really commit. I'm still on the fence about it, I still want to live for some unknown reason, but I do also want to die. I hope soon i won't want to live at all, because right now i think i could only commit on impulse. I can look up places, I could even buy items and test methods, but I can't set a date to die, I'll just have to hope I crash out hard enough to go through with it on impulse.(well if I had a viable method..) I want to plan out my death properly, maybe I'll travel to a different country with those cliffs and jump there. I won't do that right now though, because if i end up changing my mind and coming back, It'll have been a big waste of money. It sounds nice though, a final trip all by my lonesome to my early grave, very poetic!! lol
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