Dying Is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well.

[figurehead]

But I don't. I've been trying every few years - I thought I wouldn't be 18, 23, 30 etc etc. I'm bipolar, but I've got a parallel life that is unstoppable. They thought I wouldn't finish high school, but I've done it. I've got everything inc PhD and post-doc. But I'm not happy, as you might guess. I feel like a failure. I'm married with a girl and 2 beagles. I should be happy and proud. But BD is always haunting me, life is like a marathon you run like crazy when things go well so that you have time, you drag yourself at each step when it comes gnawing you. But still, I cannot die. It wouldn't be fair to my family, including my 2 dogs. Suicide is like a bad seed that is planted inside your brain. It might not seem to be there but it always is.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Unlike Plath I'm no artist either. You have a lot to be proud of accomplishing these things while dealing with a severe mental health challenge. Frankly a lifetime of bipolar will wear anyone out, regardless of what their life looks loke.

 

[figurehead]

Unlike Plath I'm no artist either. You have a lot to be proud of accomplishing these things while dealing with a severe mental health challenge. Frankly a lifetime of bipolar will wear anyone out, regardless of what their life looks loke.

Unlike Plath too I don't want to end up with my head in the oven... I read somewhere; "I have bipolar, I'm going to live it to the end, but I refuse to die from it." Better said than done no?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Unlike Plath too I don't want to end up with my head in the oven... I read somewhere; "I have bipolar, I'm going to live it to the end, but I refuse to die from it." Better said than done no?

Well yeah. That kind of spite is only a sustainable fuel for life if you have a certain quality of life. Do you have good stretches of time that compensate for the lows? Does knowing the lows yield to the highs eventually help you bear them at all? Does psychiatric treatment help at all?

 

[figurehead]

Yes and no. I do feel that I'm running when I'm well to try to hold on and do things before everything collapses. And of course it does. The lows just ruin everything and I don't have good highs like some people do. Everything changes the whole world crumbles apart. As for psych help, I consider myself lucky, I've had the same doctor for nearly 30 years (I'm 50) and he's kept me alive all this time.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes and no. I do feel that I'm running when I'm well to try to hold on and do things before everything collapses. And of course it does. The lows just ruin everything and I don't have good highs like some people do. Everything changes the whole world crumbles apart. As for psych help, I consider myself lucky, I've had the same doctor for nearly 30 years (I'm 50) and he's kept me alive all this time.

Well like I said bipolar will wear anyone out. Making it to 50 is no mean feat. It sounds you've exhausted what psychiatry can do to alleviate your suffering. Do your wife and dogs help sustain you?

 

[figurehead]

Well like I said bipolar will wear anyone out. Making it to 50 is no mean feat. It sounds you've exhausted what psychiatry can do to alleviate your suffering. Do your wife and dogs help sustain you?

(sorry I did specify, husband) Yes I do think making to 50 in my circumstances is a feat. I thought I wouldn't go past 18. My family has developed ways to keep me alive and protect themselves (from me). Like my husband is responsible for all my meds, lest I might take loads.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

(sorry I did specify, husband) Yes I do think making to 50 in my circumstances is a feat. I thought I wouldn't go past 18. My family has developed ways to keep me alive and protect themselves (from me). Like my husband is responsible for all my meds, lest I might take loads.

Protect themselves from you? It sounds more of a matter of protecting you from yourself. You're not a failure. You have achieved a lot. It's not your fault that your brain prevents you from feeling happiness.

 

[wasted__life__23]

But I don't. I've been trying every few years - I thought I wouldn't be 18, 23, 30 etc etc. I'm bipolar, but I've got a parallel life that is unstoppable. They thought I wouldn't finish high school, but I've done it. I've got everything inc PhD and post-doc. But I'm not happy, as you might guess. I feel like a failure. I'm married with a girl and 2 beagles. I should be happy and proud. But BD is always haunting me, life is like a marathon you run like crazy when things go well so that you have time, you drag yourself at each step when it comes gnawing you. But still, I cannot die. It wouldn't be fair to my family, including my 2 dogs. Suicide is like a bad seed that is planted inside your brain. It might not seem to be there but it always is.

Thanks for quoting one of my favourite poets! I know exactly how you feel - only worrying about how my wife would cope stops me from CTB,even though how being with her screwed my life is my main reason for wanting to CTB. I've been awake all night planning on buying a ratchet strap and bean bags. Planning my demise is my happy place.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Lady Lazarus is my favorite Plath poem. It's too obvious of an answer, but it's also just too good not to pick.

It's interesting. People who seem to have it all often don't. There's no reason to feel like you shouldn't be struggling. Anyone can, no matter their lot in life. Mental illness can plague anyone (tho certain people are more prone I think,) and its a nightmare to live with.

I love what you say about suicidal ideation being a seed in your brain that is always there, tho not always readily apparent. This rings true for me. It's always on the back burner, but I only notice it when it starts to creep until it's a daily idea.

Im sorry I don't have any advice but I relate to much of what you say.

 

[figurehead]

Lady Lazarus is my favorite Plath poem. It's too obvious of an answer, but it's also just too good not to pick.

It's interesting. People who seem to have it all often don't. There's no reason to feel like you shouldn't be struggling. Anyone can, no matter their lot in life. Mental illness can plague anyone (tho certain people are more prone I think,) and its a nightmare to live with.

I love what you say about suicidal ideation being a seed in your brain that is always there, tho not always readily apparent. This rings true for me. It's always on the back burner, but I only notice it when it starts to creep until it's a daily idea.

Im sorry I don't have any advice but I relate to much of what you say.

I love Plath, my thesis is greatly about her. The Bell Jar and her poems do resonate as part of us. I absolutely hate all this bipolar thing. It's another crap seed (yea, nothing poetic about that lol) that taints everything. Don't worry I don't expect any advice, just reading your message is great.

Thanks for quoting one of my favourite poets! I know exactly how you feel - only worrying about how my wife would cope stops me from CTB,even though how being with her screwed my life is my main reason for wanting to CTB. I've been awake all night planning on buying a ratchet strap and bean bags. Planning my demise is my happy place.

I like the way you use the words "my happy place". It's odd but there's some comfort we can get whilst being suicidal. Besides we can't think about anything else and that's soothing in a way. When I'm totally out of sorts I see my family like a burden (me being a burden for them), then nothing can stops me. What do you mean by "being with her screwed my life"?

 

[Cloud Busting]

I love Plath, my thesis is greatly about her.

What was your thesis?

The Bell Jar and her poems do resonate as part of us.

Sylvia described what living with depression is like so well. Like everyone, I love the fig tree metaphor. Or the metaphor about being the eye in a tornado, calm admist all the hullabaloo. Just everything about how you're supposed to be having the time of your life, yet everything is so shallow and empty that you can't, and it makes you feel like a broken outsider.

Or how she was at first terrified to learn to ski, then realized that she may kill herself eventually. Thoughts that come cooly like a tree or a flower. Why not ski then? Reminds me of when I was the passenger of a drunk driver speeding down a dirt road. Normally wouldn't entertain such a thing, but at that point, I was hoping it would kill me.

It's such a shame she's brushed off as a poet for angsty emo teen girls, or that she's defined by her depression and suicide. She was so much more than that. I love that so many people still love her. She and Ian Curtis are the two writers who really encapsulated what depression is like for me. No one else compares imo. RIP to both, such a shame they died so young. Brilliant and sensitive minds.

I absolutely hate all this bipolar thing. It's another crap seed (yea, nothing poetic about that lol) that taints everything.

Well Sylvia managed to make it poetic.

Jokes aside, I hate my unipolar depression, bpd, and anxiety. They're pure nightmares.

I relate to what you said earlier about wanting to live in spite of your illness, and not wanting it to kill you.

My worry is I'll never be able to enjoy life, but I'm giving it an honest try before I decide to throw in the towel. I'm considering taking a writing workshop as a form of therapy. I feel "too old" to get into writing cuz I'm 29, but then I remember Anne Sexton was 28 when she began writing poetry.

You surely have accomplished quite a bit, quite impressive.

Don't worry I don't expect any advice, just reading your message is great.

Sorry it took me so long to reply

I love Plath, my thesis is greatly about her. The Bell Jar and her poems do resonate as part of us. I absolutely hate all this bipolar thing. It's another crap seed (yea, nothing poetic about that lol) that taints everything. Don't worry I don't expect any advice, just reading your message is great.

I like the way you use the words "my happy place". It's odd but there's some comfort we can get whilst being suicidal. Besides we can't think about anything else and that's soothing in a way. When I'm totally out of sorts I see my family like a burden (me being a burden for them), then nothing can stops me.

It's not odd at all. If anything, I find those who don't entertain suicide as an escapist fantasy strange. When it's all you can think about, you may as well turn the thoughts into a refuge rather than a mental hell. To know I have an out if there is no other option will never not be comforting.

 

[figurehead]

What was your thesis?



Sylvia described what living with depression is like so well. Like everyone, I love the fig tree metaphor. Or the metaphor about being the eye in a tornado, calm admist all the hullabaloo. Just everything about how you're supposed to be having the time of your life, yet everything is so shallow and empty that you can't, and it makes you feel like a broken outsider.

Or how she was at first terrified to learn to ski, then realized that she may kill herself eventually. Thoughts that come cooly like a tree or a flower. Why not ski then? Reminds me of when I was the passenger of a drunk driver speeding down a dirt road. Normally wouldn't entertain such a thing, but at that point, I was hoping it would kill me.

It's such a shame she's brushed off as a poet for angsty emo teen girls, or that she's defined by her depression and suicide. She was so much more than that. I love that so many people still love her. She and Ian Curtis are the two writers who really encapsulated what depression is like for me. No one else compares imo. RIP to both, such a shame they died so young. Brilliant and sensitive minds.



Well Sylvia managed to make it poetic.

Jokes aside, I hate my unipolar depression, bpd, and anxiety. They're pure nightmares.

I relate to what you said earlier about wanting to live in spite of your illness, and not wanting it to kill you.

My worry is I'll never be able to enjoy life, but I'm giving it an honest try before I decide to throw in the towel. I'm considering taking a writing workshop as a form of therapy. I feel "too old" to get into writing cuz I'm 29, but then I remember Anne Sexton was 28 when she began writing poetry.

You surely have accomplished quite a bit, quite impressive.




Sorry it took me so long to reply


It's not odd at all. If anything, I find those who don't entertain suicide as an escapist fantasy strange. When it's all you can think about, you may as well turn the thoughts into a refuge rather than a mental hell. To know I have an out if there is no other option will never not be comforting.

Hey. My thesis is called "Suicide-Authors: a deconstructive study". It was great to do it, I had to research loads about suicide and authors who'd committed suicide and I enjoyed that. But BP was cruel during those times away from home, I had relapse after relapse and really only made it because my then boyfriend somehow managed to go through those times. We got married in 2005, but I really dunno how he still puts up with that.
The metaphor of the fig tree is indeed beautiful. I had my first breakdown when I was at my last year of school and used to read that again and again. It really speaks to us in many ways.

You also seem to have quite a combination of mood disorders . I initially came to this site looking for methods, but I must say that, in a very weird way, I find it comforting.